Yes it is nighttime and I should be asleep, I am wide awake. It has been my story for over a year. The light snores from D and Fezzi (and Aspen and Bishop too) are attractive. I am tending to this nasty headache and tinnitus that I woke with at 6am yesterday. I could lie down and try to tune it all out but I know that I would disturb D’s sleep if I laid down with this discomfort, tossing and turning and moaning like all those days before.
My story: On Sunday, March 13, 2016 I took a fall at work and recovery has been slow, very slow. I want to recover the “me” that I once was. Not that I am scarred or physically disabled. I look like me but I do not act or talk or walk or think like the “me” that I once was. I am receiving excellent care from my primary care physician, psychologist, my eye doctor and dentist and my physical therapists but the going is rough for me. You know the saying, “One step forward and two steps back?” I’m living proof that it is more than a saying!
Most of all, my relationships have changed. D has been outstanding in all of his care for me but I have little to offer him. I have lost the “me” who engaged in conversation and experiences. Now, the most that we do together is initiated by the hesitant him or the chariot driving I need assistance with to get me to and from appointments. I want “me” back for “us.” Our 44th Anniversary is next week. I want to celebrate again with my beloved.
Driving any distance over a few miles sends me entirely into weirdness for days. These sleepless nights cause me to lose a day of relationship with D and anyone else.
Movies or theaters are difficult because of the noise and movement. I hardly go to church any more either. I rely on texting family and friends because conversations are exhausting. My house is dark because bright light saps my energy.
I have tried to paint a picture for you to better understand what happened to Suzanne and why she is still in disrepair. TBI and all of the associated wounds suffered a year ago still define where I am at BUT not who I want to be. I will be happy and whole and able. I will. You’ll see!
Now is not tomorrow.
Today is not next week.
I am advancing. I am prospering. I am alive. I love. I feel goodness. I am filled with grace. I am filled with kindness. I am filled with peace. I hope that all the dreams I have will be be fulfilled.
I thank our LORD every day for each advance even if it is small.
This is why my blog is all about LIVING WELL. Choose the same along with me. Let’s journey together.
I thank you too for hanging out with me today,
Suzanne
Suzanne's LiveWell Blog 