Happy Thursday, August 23, 2018 to you. Its 2100 hours here in NW Colorado.
Yesterday’s dive left me in a lot of body pain, headaches and dizziness. I fitfully slept and finally left the bedroom at just before 5am. I brought the dogs with me hoping that they would leave D alone so he could sleep a bit longer. At about 5:20am the electricity went out and remained out for hours. It only flickered once but didn’t last. I had the windows open and heard most of the neighbors opening their garages manually. A few commented to one another but it really didn’t seem much of anything so I started my day. I was able to heat up day-old coffee and cook eggs, refried beans and leftover steak for D and prepare a mixture of fresh sliced bananas and strawberries for both of us to enjoy together before he left for work. I was back asleep by 8:30 and woke at 11. The electricity turned on some time in the 10 o’clock hour. Another morning in the day of…
This dive finds me experimenting with ways to make it more pleasantly cool in the chamber. I wrapped my cool towel around my head and put a bag of ice on my chest. I have it secured by the personal fan that is blowing at my chin. My ears are hurting today. The repeated pressure is new for my ears. I wonder how flight crews get used to it. I had little motivation today so most of my day was spent cleaning up my email box and enjoying a nice conversation on the phone. I also watched a movie on Netflix. I did some trimming of Little One’s hair on her legs too. O, and I washed some dishes and cooked dinner.
The continued flu-like symptoms and the cognitive fog along with headaches and dizziness are draining. I accept this and look forward to times when I can put my head back and snooze while inside the mHBOT. I have also realized that drinking enough fluids is necessary to feel better while recovering.
I spoke on five symptoms that I live with that follow the TBI. I want to talk today about the symptoms that I live with related to the second diagnosis I have been given.
PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a real part of who I am especially since my fall at work.
1) Re-experiencing sensations/flashbacks are a major thing that I deal with daily. I wake suddenly to fighting my way out of a falling sensation. I do not have much stress related to the moment when I began to fall. I was just trying to brace myself from hitting the floor. But then my forehead hit with terrible force. The resounding of my forehead hitting the stack of arm baskets never goes away. Do you know who Gallagher was back in the 1980-1990’s? He was a comedian who would hit watermelons and other items with his sledge-o-matic and get the audience wet and full of all sorts of things. Well, my head rehearses that resounded and crushing sound over and over again every day. Can you imagine a compressed brick of potato chips being hit by a huge sledge-hammer? That’s what I live with every day. It is especially bad when I am alone and the headache is so bad. The flashbacks are of a co-worker who said something very hurtful to me as my boss was assisting me and they are of the physical pain I felt that day and live with today as well. It’s not just a simple bump on the forehead. Its not just a trip and fall. It’s hauntingly real.
2) An elevated startle response has altered every moment of my days. I need quiet and dark. I need little to no activity or movement. So when a child screams in our neighbor’s yard or my precious Little One barks or D is watching anything on tv where there are multiple noises or movements I freak out. Last summer our son and his family lived with us. I spent most of my time in our bedroom because I wanted them to enjoy their lives but I needed quiet. Garrett calls our bedroom The Bat Cave and he is right. When I enter our bedroom today I want the peace and quiet it provides me. Last Halloween our neighbor across the street had a recording that was triggered by movement. It was a mad dog barking. I locked myself in the house with all of the windows drawn. I put earplugs in and noise reducing headphones on to stop the terrible barking outside. I sit at the very back of church with my earplugs in and I sometimes go outside because there are certain sounds that send me. I can not handle a bright light or a window blind open. I jump and twist and turn to avoid what it does to me. D has to keep his cell phone off for the most part. I can hear the pings in the middle of the night from far away and I jump, startle, freak out, lose sleep, and then the fear becomes a giant monster of confusion.
3) Avoidance was defined by The Bat Cave but I have become isolated and withdrawn. I do not want to have to fight for myself so I avoid phone calls, knocks on the door and speaking with neighbors. I also avoid paying bills (but I found a way out of that place. I pay them or set up a payment as soon as I receive the bill), avoid making decisions, avoid intimacy with D, and avoid caring for myself like I should, as I deserve. I’m being honest here and it’s not feeling too good.
4) Hypervigilance has invaded every aspect of my life. If I do not understand everything I lose it. If you say something that I can’t figure out I act out and the stubborn rebellious me begins to rage. I do not like this part of me at all.
5) Nightmares have been troublesome for too many years. Ever since my years of being molested I have had very graphic dreams and nightmares. I wake from most of them not knowing if what I just dreamed was real or not. I still fret over some of them that have been recurrent for decades. I have learned to talk with D about them. He helps me through many of them but there are those that I am too ashamed to talk about. I violently throw off the blankets on our bed when I am inside of the nightmares. I am not observing them…I’m in them. And then when I do not sleep well for days, the nightmares take on more reality probably because I am sleep deprived. These hauntings have increased over the past few months too.
My, how the time in here has gone by so quickly. D is deflating the chamber already. The towel around my head helped keep me cooler. The bag of ice with the personal fan holding it against my chest was a great idea. I will think of more things to do to make my journey more accommodating. My ears are popping more tonight. I haven’t tried chewing gum. I have to remember to get some at the store. Wearing little clothing helps a lot too while I am in here. I find that the tank tops keep me cooler. I am happy with the additional oxygen that my Dr has me on. I take deep breaths in and blow out. I am glad that I chose to use a cannulae instead of a mask. It gives me more freedom.
God bless each of you. I will be back tomorrow.
Hugs always,
Suz
Suzanne's LiveWell Blog 