Measure Up!

Its Monday, August 27, 2018 21:31:45 exactly. How are you today? Hoping that you are well. I woke very early this morning. It was just before 5am. My headache was bothering me laying down. I know from experience that sitting up in my recliner helps me tolerate things better so off I journeyed to the living room. I did try to rest but it was not going to happen. I dressed early and had a light breakfast of cereal and coffee. By 9am I was ready for a nap. I took Little with me and we slept until nearly noon. Not too long later I received a call from our daughter Sarah. She is a full-time college student and loving it. Today was her first day observing four-year olds for her child development coursework. She loved it and gladly told me about the great time she had with the children. I am so proud of her!

All is going well inside the chamber. I put the cool vest in the garage refrigerator today to cool and it is actually really pleasant. My cool towel that I like to wrap around my head is frozen so I am leaning against it at my neck and I like that too. My cannulae is in place and I am deliberately breathing in and out like I should. My left ear is still pretty tender but I did not take any cold medicine before I went in. Adjustments are a part of life!

My title for today is “Measure Up” because I have been battling with an all too familiar performance demon that has chased me around most of my life. When I fell at work I immediately recognized the opinions of some co-workers about my recovery. I was told by my primary doctor that I could return to part-time work six weeks after my injury. I couldn’t hardly stand straight. I was put on a 20 hour work schedule and I was not doing well. Within two weeks I was taken off work completely. The job that I so enjoyed was no longer a possibility. Grocery demands employees to be on their feet at all times. I had difficulty standing without leaning on a counter. I couldn’t walk a straight line. It took me a long time to complete one task. I had forgotten all of the codes I needed to know. I had difficulty counting money. I was not ‘measuring up’ to anyone’s expectations. It’s very hard to be a customer today in my store because people just do not understand how a simple fall could cause such damage. I do not ‘measure up’ to their interpretation of what happened and how my body and mind was affected. Some of them even turn abruptly when they see me as if I am going to attack them. Laughs and sneers have been sad to see but I am not them and they are not me.

When I was a child I did not want to get in trouble for anything. I did not want to be spanked (that’s how discipline was back then) and I definitely did not want to have to report to the priest on Friday night that I had done something bad. Our family would go to church every Friday night and pray a special rosary and go to confession so we would be clean to receive communion on Sunday morning. I would fret about what I was going to say to the priest and it always went something like this, “Bless me father, for I have sinned…..I kicked Mike, I didn’t brush my teeth last night, I pretended to be asleep last Saturday, I forgot to feed my bunny…” That was the extent of my sins. I was determined to not ever disappoint my parents or teachers and definitely I never wanted God to frown down on me.  I went to parochial school from 1st grade through 12th grade. I liked my uniforms and the oxford saddle shoes I wore. I enjoyed walking to school and playing tether ball or kickball or dodgeball. Most of the girls at school liked dolls. Not me, Give me a bat or a nice basketball and I will take you on. Well, in eighth grade my teacher, a nun, told my parents that I would be a prostitute when I grew up because I liked playing with the boys. When my parents came home that afternoon, I got a spanking as my Daddy cried. I wrote in a prior piece that I was molested by my swim coach and so I had to ‘measure up’ to the label that was placed on me. I silently lived through terrible times at the pool and didn’t tell my parents because that’s who and what I was and now my Daddy and Mommy knew what a bad girl I was.

I didn’t do well in high school. My parents paid for my education but I was so messed up from the stuff I was secretly living through. Here’s another part of that whole mess…Years ago I saw a guy that I swam with and he was now a student at either UCLA or USC. He asked me out on a date for Saturday. It would be a late night as he had plans for a swell time. He picked me up in his convertible white Corvette. Before we had left my neighborhood he told me that he remembered my reputation with the swim coach and he was taking me to a sex party. I was so outraged. I demanded that he pull over and let me out. I walked back home in tears. My reputation? I didn’t understand because I had blocked much of the details of those years from my mind and now they were flooding back in to torment me again. I was not going to ‘measure up’ to what this guy expected of me. I was a child forced to do terrible things. I never heard from that guy again. Just recently I looked him up online and it seems as if he has chosen to live the dream. House on the beach, cars, boats, beer, girls, parties…..how shallow and terribly sad. I chose to fight my way out of the past and into the wonder and beautiful future God had planned for me.

I am doing very well today in the chamber. I have a slight headache in the right temple right now. My eyesight is not really clear…but then it is 10:30pm. I will be out of here in about 40 minutes. My left ear popped while I have been in here. It sounds kinda funny on my left side. My body still aches as if I have a lingering flu. I am enjoying less-intense headaches throughout the day for the most part but the tinnitus is still raging. My balance is not good. I look forward to that improvement. I got really emotional today. I wonder if its part of my recovery. A flat-effect is not good for mental health so I am happy with how I am doing. The oxygen is not causing any nasal issues. I am hoping that the ascent will go smoothly. I do like this cool vest it helps me stay cooler. I actually like the cool towel that is still frozen against my neck. Good stuff. Tonight has been very pleasant.

I also remember a boss, who expected me to harm my family by purchasing a product every month to meet a certain quota. It didn’t matter whether I needed that product or not. I had to ‘measure up’ to that bosses expectations of me. The day came when I finally listened to God. He told me that I had given that product more value in my life than Him. O my goodness…NO. I called my boss and said that I was done. I would never again hurt myself, my family and my relationship with God. Of course, I lost that position and today I am so glad that I made it through a dark valley again to find God graciously giving me a way out and back into the safe place I have found in Him.

I want to be a perfectly imperfect individual who has nothing to measure myself by except the Love of Jesus/Yeshua, my Lord. He receives me daily, no mater how imperfectly I did things. I surrender all of my hopes and desires to Him. He is the One Who defines me. I choose LIFE!

Always,

Suz