TBI Tightrope

Good Tuesday Evening, October 2, 2018 @ 18:43:01 MT. How have you been today? We have been eagerly anticipating the rain to fall here but it seems to be splitting to the east and west about a mile south of us. Beautiful skies all day so I am not complaining. Let it rain LORD. Let it rain.

I am enjoying this evening’s dive. I am nearly at the correct ATA to begin my auxiliary oxygen. I’m taking a moment to sip some water before I put my mask on. All is very good. I have the light outside my chamber illuminating the inside better now that the sun is going down earlier. Fall is here. We are expecting our first snow to fall in a few days. It will not stick but it will be welcomed for sure.

TBI Tightrope is today’s topic. Though my primary care physician still refers to my head injury as a concussion I am more focused on the advanced diagnostics that I paid cash for where both radiologists diagnosed TBI and PTSD. I am speaking today about the emotional issues I live with on a daily basis since my fall at work. There is an underlying emotion that I have learned to live with for the past 2.5 years. Its Depression…wait a minute…depression as in a feeling that I am confined inside of a barrel and the lid is being pressed down on me so that I remain in that tight place. It is restrictive. It wants me to accept my new surroundings while I observe those people around me enjoying the vastness of life experiences. I have felt as if my life has been closed off from the freedoms I once enjoyed, especially with those I love so dearly. In the first year following my head injury I had mood swings that were at times overwhelming but as time passed I have learned to accept today and not project into tomorrow what will overtake me. Look at the scripture verse that is written on the inside of my soul….In Matthew 6 Jesus (I often call Him by His Hebrew Name Yeshua) is speaking here. Its location is at the Sermon on the Mount. He has just told those listening how to pray. You know it as The Lord’s Prayer. At the end of the chapter He says this in verse 34: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (I used the Message Bible Translation)

TBI Tightrope is truly an emotional component in my recovery. I will speak on the Anxiety I feel. There are so many degrees of Anxiety and I know them all since my head injury. Mild Anxiety is very common in all of us. There is an open-mindedness combined with stress that you feel. I liken it to what we experience here during the winter. The roads are icy so most locals adjust their speeds on the open road accordingly but there is always that one driver that is either in a hurry, drunk/loaded, or just plain stupid and they spin out in front of you, crashing into a snow bank and it doesn’t look good. Vehicles in both directions slow and then stop and the most immediately present drivers check on the wounded driver. Of course, you will be late to work. You call your place of employment and you get a “Not again Joe. This has to stop. I need you here in 10 minutes.” You are concerned for that driver but you are also watching the paycheck docked because it might be an hour before you get to work. Then there is the Moderate Anxiety that you feel as the minutes tick by while you remain in stopped traffic. You are more focused on the income you are losing and not the immediate need for that driver to get medical treatment. That anxiety is mounting and you get a dry mouth to nausea as your cell phone is ringing and its your employer calling. You have to answer your phone but Severe Anxiety has taken over. Bodily symptoms escalate and a sense of dread overtakes you. You choose to not answer your phone and of course it rings again. Its your boss and you know you have to answer it. You try to say “Hello” and your ability to ease the situation by simply saying “Yes Sir, the ambulance has just arrived.” just can’t be spoken. You are in a crisis yourself. Get the picture? I gave you a scenario of the normal progression of Anxiety people go through that is very reasonable to understand. There is also another level of Anxiety that you might be familiar with. It’s the panic-level type. You are shopping at the local grocery store. You check out and walk out the door with a few bags in your arms. The car is nowhere to be found. You left your keys in the ignition and it was stolen. You understand, don’t you? Your inability to think properly is gone. You left your cell phone in the car and only brought your debit card into the store with you. You can’t call the police. You can’t call your spouse. You stand in the middle of the parking lot unable to figure out what to do next until a friend recognizes you standing there hopelessly. The groceries are scattered at your feet and you are crying.

OK…that’s where I have lived for the most part since my head injury. In the TBI Tightrope Panic-Level Anxiety! The simplest of tasks seem too overwhelming to tackle. Your daily routine has been so interrupted that you are clueless about how to make it through another day. The toast burned and the coffee overflowed in the coffeemaker. You thought that you took out the bacon and you did but the dogs are pleasingly fighting over it right now in the living room. The phone is ringing and you just do not want to talk with anyone. Then you look down at your feet and see that you put two right foot shoes from two different pairs on your feet. It’s a miserable way to start out your day. This is my life. The simplist things that I experience are giant manure hills that I have to move from one corner of my life to the other and I only have a teaspoon to do the job! Life becomes so much more complicated and anxiety is through the roof. Yes, over time the once unfamiliar becomes more routine (because of the limitation of cognition, balance, poor eyesight, muscle and joint pain, tmj, nausea, sleeplessness and on and on and on that completely mess me up. Anxiety is relieved by finding a cold ice pack and wrapping it around my head or back or foot. Anxiety is relieved by talking it out with D. Anxiety has been reduced a whole lot by having a little dog on my lap. Our daughter gave me one of her small dogs this past April. Her name is Bozzie. I changed her name to Little One. She has calmed me down so much and awakened a sense of responsibility that I find that I needed to help me through the emotional rollercoaster of Panic-Level Anxiety. She loves to be warm and she loves to touch me. Touch therapy does a world of good! She seems to know when to put her paws on my shoulder and give me a Little One hug! Its a gift from our amazing daughter. Thank you so much Sarah Janelle Hamby. I love you bunches.

I am nearly done with this dive so I am stopping here. I did really well as I always do. It is really peaceful while I dive. I recommend it to each of you. Ask your physician to write you a prescription for one.

I will continue the TBI Tightrope tomorrow. Thank you so much for sitting with me today. It has been an honor to let you into my world little by little.

Hugs,

Suz