What Is Happening?

Today is Sunday, September 8, 2019. There are storm clouds overhead. Thunder, lightning and cool air is surely welcome. It is now raining, the air smells fresh and clean. I’m enjoying the scent of my maturing crabapples blowing through the front window! It’s turning out to be an amazing day! Thank You Lord!

I returned home one week ago following eighteen days in So Cal. My Mom needed help following two ER visits, hospitalization and transfer to rehab hospital for continued care. She was recovering from a blood infection in her lower leg and ankle. I traveled there to secure a safe home environment for Mom to return to following discharge home. I was assisted by two of my brothers. I also received the valuable assistance of our daughter, Sarah, as she removed a lot of trash, organized items for sale and for donation. Mom agreed to remove 80% of what was in the house. The task was overwhelming.

In my travel to So Cal., God blessed me with the assistance of a lovely lady who sat next to me in the first plane. I got through the tough ordeal with her calm demeanor and sweet kindness. My brain is not healed sufficiently to deal with every stimulus I had to face. Lynn observed my decline in balance, cognitive processing, moments of aphasia and my wavering countenance. She was quick to calm me and help me deal with each trial I faced before we were separated for our next flight. I was able to pre-board and requested the assistance of the steward to locate my seat. Lynn was seated in first class and my seat was in the back of the plane. We were aboard a 737. I was on my own and fear overtook me. I requested the assistance of the stewardess on how to use the tiny toilet space. The amount of overstimulation at the end of that flight left me powerless to figure out what to do once I exited the plane. I walked the full length of the terminal before I found how to exit to the lower lever to recover my luggage. I then had to walk to the other end of the terminal to arrive at our plane’s baggage claim area. By the time I walked that distance, only a few pieces of luggage remained for me to choose from. I didn’t understand which were mine because all of the bags were upside down. Lynn saw me and again assisted me in locating my two bags. We hugged and Lynn left me to wait for my brother to pick me up at curbside. I called Terry and told him which sign I was standing under.

What a glorious sight! Terry drove up to where I was standing. His smile was infectious. I needed the grounding he provided me. Our drive to Mom’s rehab hospital was another hurdle for me to conquer. I’m not too sure that I did well. There was traffic everywhere. I kept looking at Terry’s smile to get me through another crisis. We arrived at the hospital safely and we were able to spend time with Mom. She was so happy to see both of us. I was exhausted and it was getting late. Terry had to wrap his arm around me as we walked to his vehicle. I was crashing. My mind was shutting down. I was hungry but not able to eat. I just wanted to fall asleep to recover from the day’s seriously overwhelming events. And then….

Terry and I took a nostalgic drive to Mom’s house.  It was a nice distraction. Upon entering the house we instantly realized that things were not right at all.  The smell of mold led us to a nasty laundry room. We dealt with it as best we could. We walked around the house evaluating the enormous task that we had to face beginning that very moment. What had I agreed to do? Was I going to be able to face each crisis and difficulty with sanity? Why had I thought that I could manage everything that I saw, smelled, felt, and realized? I surrendered myself to the task before me in order to deal with what I was facing. I trusted that God would tenderly care for me.

Mom has owned her house for 60 years. She has been doing her best to meet the challenges of living her later years without the sound mind of my father who passed away six years ago following multiple years of mental, emotional and physical decline. Mom also shares her home with our developmentally disabled brother. Chris is quite a handful. I had to face his deficits and demons every moment of every day. I relied on the prayers my loving husband and of many others who held me up when I wanted to run away or rip into Chris because of those unspeakable things that he does, the terrible words that he says, and the despicable way in which he lives. His daily rants and accusations nearly crushed me. In order to survive, I would retreat to my Mom’s master bedroom in the early evening to avoid further emotional, physical and spiritual calamity.

Each day melted into another. Each moment left me worse than the last. I made it through those days with God’s help. There were constant battles I faced. Decisions had to be made that kept Mom’s safety paramount. Whenever either Terry or Greg showed up to assist me, my spirit felt refreshed. I enjoyed the discussions we had together. It was great to reconnect with both of them. I left So Cal with good memories of our times together. Mom, Chris, Greg and Terry significantly impacted my time spent there. Tom was able to speak with me by phone and I was grateful for each call. I was wounded by the short visit of my brother Mike and the seeming annoyance I brought to Joe too. Family dynamics!

We were successful in making Mom’s home safer for her to live comfortably. The house needs much more assistance but for the most part, it looks and smells really good. Greg and Terry will be assisting Mom with the remaining areas that need to be purged. Mike is going to do some repairs in the house to make it much more safe for Mom. Tom is bringing Mom to his house for a couple of months so Mom can be away from the demo Mike will be doing to the master bathroom and hallways. Mom will return home with all of that accomplished. I am grateful!

On my return home, I utilized the traveling assistance that is available. I couldn’t have traveled as well as I did without the help. The assistant at SNA was excellent. I tipped her. The assistant at DEN was horrible. He ran over a number of people in getting me to my gate. I did not tip him. I asked for the assistance of those who sat next to me and I was grateful for both of the ladies I sat next to on my flights. I walked from the plane to our home terminal without assistance. I just wanted to be in the arms of my D. It was so good to see him. It was even better to feel his arms around me. I was back home! I was safe! I was in his arms! I was in our vehicle! I was inside of our home! I was back in our bed! I slept for hours.

What Is Happening?

I just do not understand what I have been going through this past week. I wake at night not knowing where I am. I struggle with finding my bearings. I am so confused and frightened.  I wake not knowing who I am. I lay there trying to figure out where I am and why nothing is familiar. I hear D’s breathing and remember who it is that is laying next to me. But then I do not know where home is and lose all sense of our nearly 50 years together. I sit on the side of the bed and wonder where the bathroom is. I reach for my cell phone to light up where I am. Then I remember where the bathroom is. I return to bed secure in knowing that I am home. BUT…the same scenario repeats itself every time I wake in the middle of the night, in the morning, or even if I take a nap in my recliner. These repeat over and over again each day. This morning I was convinced that I was in Mom’s house when I woke up. I had a pillow over my head. I thought that I heard Chris’ rants and Mom’s corresponding  anxiety. I knew that it was Sunday but I was sure that I was there and not here; wherever “here” is.

Convincing myself that I live here in this home is difficult initially. I live with my husband and dogs here. I wait until I am able to comprehend those things that I am telling myself. Then after a few minutes I begin to believe myself and I resume living life as I should.

What Is Happening?

How do I arrive here?

Where I am back home?

And when will it be safe for me to wake here at home?

When will I understand where I am and what my life is about?

What in the world is going on?

Why is it happening?

What am I to do to regain the truth, the reality of this life I am living?

What Is Happening?

I share this with you because I trust you. I am functioning throughout the day in a much slower mode but I am successful. I have minimally enjoyed my garden. I have loved hand washing our dishes. I have done laundry. I have even vacuumed and shampooed carpets this week. I am enjoying my normal dietary regime. I have enjoyed unpacking and rearranging my daily routine to fit my new schedule of supplements. I have unpacked the items I brought home with me for Garrett and his family. They have enjoyed each item too.

Consciously I am returning to who I am. Unconsciously, I struggle to find myself.

Come Lord, heal my wounds. Bring recovery to my spirit, soul and body. Heal the wounds of the distant past and those most recent wounds that I suffered. Return to me the joy and hope and peace I need so much.

Hugs to all,

Suzanne