Letting Go!

It is 5am, Thursday morning, September 19, 2019. I have been awake since 1am. I woke to enjoy the night with our Lord. I prayed. I talked with Him. I  listened to youtube worship videos. The one that meant the most to me tonight is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1wvgLkyVfQ&list=PLkvLb_BEbTVT1jNeav3jf-AWNcXQKjv9u&index=52&t=0s

Letting Go!

Since returning from So Cal two and a half weeks ago, I am still not 100% recovered. Why has it been so hard to return to myself? What has been holding me back from appreciating the peace and comfort of our home and our simple lifestyle? When will I feel strength return to my weakened spirit, emotions and physical body? How? By………Letting Go!

I have realized a lot about myself since returning home. I am the first born of seven. I am the only daughter. My six brothers have always been their own tribe. I remain an outsider, a foreigner, a misfit in my family of origin and yet, I am not alone. The genuine love expressed by my three youngest brothers continues to bless me today! Thank you Greg, Terry and Tom!

I have written in past blogs of the multiple illnesses, accidents and terrible experiences I lived through in my first 17 years of life.  I began this blog to document my recovery from moderate TBI and PTSD due to a fall at work 3.5 years ago. We purchased a mild hyperbaric chamber to use here at home. It has been a wonderful experience and I am happy to say that each dive has benefited me greatly. But now I realize that http://www.suzlivewell.com is what God is using to bring me to wholeness.

Letting Go!

Remembering so many events in my lifetime has brought me to tonight’s “Letting Go!” I can do this. I will do it. Now; right now,  is a great time to begin…. I remember the day that my Dad let go of my bicycle and I road it without incident! I remember the day that I dived into the pool and swam my first race, winning a blue ribbon. I remember the events prior to falling from the moving vehicle that left me alone in the street seizing. I remember the morning that my cousin came into my bedroom saying “Vice is nice but incest is best” as he raped me. I cried for help from my brother who was in the bedroom beside mine, but he never came. I remember the day my Dad called me telling me that the person who severely harmed me  for years and stalked me for over 20 years had finally died. I remember a nasty co-worker laughing at the huge lump on my forehead, saying “I told you to retire.” And I remember the humiliation I felt as I was being mocked and laughed at by a brother while I was working so hard to assist with the safe living space for my Mom following her bad blood infection. I remember so many more events that have shaped me. I remember…  By Letting Go!

Yesterday I chose to breathe again… By Letting Go! I resigned from my distributorship in a business that I worked for nearly 20 years. What a relief! I wrote a very short resignation email to the company. I then sent texts to my small team to let them know what I had done. There are multiple reasons for resigning. The primary reason was to be free from hurtful family entanglements.

Soon I am going to revisit items that I brought home with me from Mom’s house…             By Letting Go! I found my report cards from multiple school years. These clearly show when the “Terribles” began and continued through my senior year of high school. Terribles that have to be visited so multiple gaping holes can be filled in with God’s healing salve. “Terribles” are the years of being raped and exploited by my swim coach and other men and boys as he trafficked me. “Terribles” also include the person that raped me on my 16th birthday saying, “I’m going to give you something you will never forget.” That person abused me multiple times daily for nearly two years and forced me to do “Terrible” things as he threatened me with large knives to my neck and private parts and with a loaded gun to my head that continued throughout the years that he stalked me.

Letting Go!

D and I will rely on God to help us through this layer of healing. I have been so blessed to be married to a man who knew just how deep my wounds were even before we dated. He still chose to marry me! WOW! It has not been easy for D to be married to a deeply damaged woman. He has demonstrated his love countless times. He has helped me live through the years of bad nightmares, self-hatred, and the ever-present very deep, deep places of fear, painful body memories and depression.

D and I will review the letters that Daddy kept that I wrote of my love for God and my family. They are painful to read but sure do show just how badly I felt during the “Terrible” years and the years that followed. Before I left Mom’s house, I read one of the letters to her.  She held me and told me how much she loved me. We cried. What a tender memory! Thank you Mom. I love you so much.

Letting Go!

Thank you for sharing in my recovery. We are not alone. We are community. We Let Go and grow together. This is why I have been as transparent as I have been today. I am Letting Go!

May you find the peace, the hope and the faith to Let Go of your very real wounds dear family and friends. I am confident that God’s Word is true:

Deuteronomy 31:6

(NIV) “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them (“Terribles”), for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”

(The Message Bible) “Be strong. Take courage, Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; He won’t leave you.”

Hugs,

Suz