Today is Saturday, March 21, 2020. My day began with sleeping in. I really enjoyed the extra rest I received.

After taking a shower I realized that it was time to re-enter my mildHBOT. I took a break for about six weeks. I am currently inside my chamber loving the time I get to spend with God, in solitude, and with you.

I do not know where to begin. I am truly lost. I feel like I am wondering through every day that has passed since 2:42am, Sunday, February 9, 2020 when I received the text from my youngest brother, Tom, that Mom had passed away.

I still can not wrap my mind around what happened that night. D and I had arrived at our daughter’s house after midnight and at the advice of Tom, we went to bed to sleep a bit before our intended visit at about 8am. D has to drive since I am comfortable with driving long distances. I did not do well on that drive. I burped over 80X and every time we got out of the truck on our drive, I would fall into walls or the side of the truck as I got in and out of it. My appetite was poor since all I could think about was seeing Mom before she left us.

Dysautonomia is a condition that I developed following TBI. I have a very real issue that I have to deal with every day. It is called neurocardiogenic syncope. My brain and heart have developed a disconnect so my heart does not send enough oxygen to my brain when I am standing. I have to take a rx every morning to assist me in dealing with this condition throughout my day.

I was troubled while on the 1000 mile trip about the intensity of my burps, the inablility to focus clearly and the continued dizziness. I realized while I was picking myself up in in the stall of a gas station women’s restroom that there was more to my condition than we already knew. I literally felt as if the floor beneath my feet was in motion. Even though we had stopped to fill up the truck’s tank, walk and stretch a bit, and use the facilities, my body did not realize that I was not in the truck traveling over 80 miles per hours. I was walking on still ground but my body did not line up with that reality.

Fast forward to a week ago, a FB friend reported a condition that she has that really triggered my curiosity. It’s called vestibulopathy. This lady was suffering many of the bizarre symptoms that I have continued to have for the past four years. I decided to read all that I could find online about the disorder she described. It occurs when the balance portions of both inner ears are damaged. The symptoms typically include imbalance and visual disturbance. The imbalance is worse in the dark, or in situations where footing is uncertain. The visual symptoms, called “oscillopsia.” It only occur when the head is moving. This is a good indicator that I really can not safely drive a vehicle out on the highway or in heavy traffic.

Oscillopsia

I am convinced that I have bilateral traumatic vestibulopathy. I am going to ask my doctors about it soon. It is a dysautonomic condition. Of course it is! It is caused by a trauma. I do not know if knowing that I have this condition will do any good but it gives me some sort of understanding about how, why, and what I face every day since the moderate TBI I experienced on Sunday, March 13, 2016. Yes, four years ago and I am still messed up.

GOOD GRIEF!

The morning that I received that message from Tom was when I shut down emotionally. I am unable to grieve. What do I grieve when I have no idea what happened? Have I have been told a lie. You see, I asked to see Mom and I was not given the opportunity to say good bye to her lifeless body. Who chose to tell me what I needed or what was in my best interest?

Life has not been easy for me. Losses. Troubles. Hurts. Pain. Lies. Abuses. These have been what I am not able to deal with today. I have so many gaps. I have so many gaping holes in my fractured life. There are many wounds that are decayed. Why? Why am I left to deal with all of this myself? Why do have I these deficits caused by the TBI? Why do I have nightmares? Why do I live every day expecting no resolve? Why do I hurt so badly but can’t see the light that I know is right before me? Why do I struggles with simply letting go? Why do I lay awake at night not wanting tomorrow to come? Why?

Mom was told two weeks before she died that she had a small cell cancer growing rapidly inside of her body. My last conversation with Mom was on February 5, 2020. Four days later, she was dead. Dead. Death is terminal. Mom is dead.

D and Mom are the only family members who have been supportive of my efforts to recover from the moderate TBI. And now…. I love you Mom.

GOOD GRIEF!

Faith in Yeshua my Good Shepherd is the anchor I cling to.

I’m ending now with a well-known psalm. I am pasting the Passion Translation for our reading today. God’s very best to each of you.

Suz

Psalm 23 The Passion Translation

The Good Shepherd

23 David’s poetic praise to God
¹ The Lord is my best friend and my shepherd.
I always have more than enough.
² He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love.
His tracks take me to an oasis of peace, the quiet brook of bliss.
³ That’s where he restores and revives my life.
He opens before me pathways to God’s pleasure
and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness
so that I can bring honor to his name.
⁴ Lord, even when your path takes me through
the valley of deepest darkness,
fear will never conquer me, for you already have!
You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way.
Your authority is my strength and my peace.
The comfort of your love takes away my fear.
I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.
⁵ You become my delicious feast
even when my enemies dare to fight.
You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;
you give me all I can drink of you until my heart overflows.
⁶ So why would I fear the future?
For your goodness and love pursue me all the days of my life.
Then afterward, when my life is through,
I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!