Good Tuesday morning, January 5, 2021 to you. I have been awake for a few hours enjoying our snow falling here in NW Colorado. We have about 4 inches of new snow accumulation. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
Two weeks from tomorrow, I will be in a Denver hospital undergoing the surgical repair of my CSF leak. It is quite an extensive procedure as there are multiple repairs that will be done. Your prayers and kind thoughts will be appreciated.
What a journey! What an often difficult and painful life it has been. How much more can I handle? How long has the facial fracture and subsequent tear in the dura been happening?
An internet definition of a CSF leak: A CSF leak is a serious health issue. It involves this type of fluid escaping through a tear in the dura mater. The symptoms of a CSF leak include fluid drainage from the ears or nose and a headache that worsens when the head is upright.
For decades, I have thought that my dripping nose was indicative of sinus allergies. For decades, I have taken up to 10 antihistamine/nasal decongestive medications daily to manage sinus headaches and a constant nasal drip. Could it possibly be that the first serious head injury (over 50 years ago) began this serious condition? Yes. It certainly could be so. Any or all of the numerous injuries could have been the culprit.
A few months ago, my doctor took a look at the CT disc that I brought to the initial consult. He pointed out two unhealed facial fractures; one in my left sinus and the other, just over my left eye. The CT confirmed that a hospitalization was necessary to identify the location of a CSF leak and also look at the condition of my CSF. Multiple treatments were scheduled. I first had a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) to draw CSF for laboratory evaluation. Then I was injected with a radioactive substance for three consecutive days of nuclear CT studies. I also had pledgets (three gauze pads secured inside of each nostril) shoved up as high as possible into my nose and a large pad taped to my face to keep them from falling out. It was painful but necessary to endure for over 48 hours.
The pledgets confirmed the location of my CSF leak. My doctor ordered a sinus CT to assist him in preparing for his surgical procedures. The CT clearly outlined the fracture site. It also identified the extent of septum deviation and a buildup of mucosa in both nostrils. All will be addressed in the upcoming surgery. We also discussed the findings of the CSF lab work. I have a high amount of protein in my CSF. The internet states: Increased protein level may be a sign of a tumor, bleeding, nerve inflammation, or injury. (I have to…DUH!)
This is where I am today. Waiting for the surgery. Hoping for the successful healing of the leak and the elimination of excess protein in my CSF. AND…the promise of a new chapter lit by God’s Love.
LEAD ME BACK!
I am amazed at these last two verses of Psalm 139. God is speaking directly to me. Thank you LORD.
Psalm 139: 23 God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart.
Examine me through and through;
find out everything that may be hidden within me.
Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares.
24 See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on,
and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways—
the path that brings me back to you.
I often personalize scripture in prayer. I am happy to type my prayer. I invite you to look as through a window, into my heart as you read my prayer with me.
“Dear Adonai, this morning and every moment of my life, I invite you to look inside of me. My heart is Yours. My very breath is Yours. I desire Your every examination and Your every scan. Every time that You scrutinize and inspect my heart, I pray that You locate all that is deeply hidden and disguised inside of me. Yes, dear LORD, put me to the test. Show me my strengths and weaknesses. Reveal the truths and the lies that I believe. Prove me in the fire of Your Love. Reveal to me ‘Christ in me the Hope of Glory.’ Root out the falsehoods that have taken residence inside of me. Free me from the self-imposed misgivings and hopelessness framed by all of the evil things that framed me. Help me realize Your compassion and sovereignty. Your Goodness follows me all of the days of my life. Thank You for being so conscientious, so faithful in examining me so carefully and bringing revelation to me by Your Holy Spirit. Thank You for Your wonderful care for every one of my anxious thoughts, words, and actions.
Dear Heavenly Father, You have brought me to Psalm 23. You are my Good Shepherd. You have shown me the way I am to go in future blogs in Psalm 116. And most of all, Your goodness led me to the Psalm we have been reading over the past few weeks. This very special Psalm 139. And so I conclude my prayer with the last verse.
I pray that You attend to the real matters at hand; the pain that still remains so evident inside of me. I look inside right now and I see a gigantic snowball filled with debris. The past is completely influencing my present. I confess that I can not remain in this place of uncertainly. I am lost, confused, hurt, and abandoned. My heart in one moment is full of thanksgiving and in the next moment it is full of fearful dread. Seriously, I pray, I want off of this un-merrygoround. Dear Lord, help me pull the plug on this cycle of pain. Help me recover Your true intent for my life. Help me to see the salvation that is available to me. Help me to forgive myself primarily. You know how many times I have forgiven those who harmed me. I continue to do so because I truly want them to repent and come to know the depth of Your Love. Romans 8:35 says ‘Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?’ I choose to hold Your hand right now. You guide me and I ask Your counsel often. But do I truly listen and obey? Forgive me LORD. Forgive my lack of faith.
Yes, I see exactly where You are leading me today. I am listening to my Savior, Jesus our Christ as He spoke to the doubters who eventually put Him to death. This is my prayer, Dear and Loving Father, I choose the one and only path that leads to all truth. I “Love my LORD and my God with every passion of my heart, with all the energy of my being, and with every thought that is within me.’ And I ‘must love those You created in the same way that I love myself.’ I pray this in Yeshua’s most holy name. Amen.”
Thank you for sharing today with me.
Hugs always,
Suzanne
Suzanne's LiveWell Blog 
I see a master craftsman turning His creation this way and that in His hands; eying every ripple every seam…a slight pleased smile on His face. Satisfied He holds His treasure up to His burning heart of fire. Sealing His treasure.
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