Early this morning, before the sun rose, our truck was packed, ready for us to travel to Denver. I am required to have a negative COVID test result 72 hours prior to being admitted to the hospital. My two day hospitalization begins with check-in early Monday morning. Dennis will drop me off at the admitting door. No visitors are permitted in the hospital. I’m really not dealing with the emotions I am feeling regarding that!

Our week two days later in follow-up with my physician to get the results of the procedures I received. I am hoping that my physician will help us make sense of this terrible journey I have been on for most of my life.

We woke this morning at 6am to a very light powder snow on the ground. By the time we left our house, the snow was gently falling. Had it been that gentle the entire drive to Denver, both of us would have enjoyed our dream dialogues we usually have on long drives.

Within a few miles we were faced with heavy snow, white outs, crazy stupid drivers, slippery icy roads, a very wet interstate and a 1 hour wait in traffic because of a multiple car pileup a half mile east of the Eisenhower tunnel. We experienced three major slides with one of them ending on the other side of the highway and multiple slip adjustments. A normal trip to Denver takes us 3 hours at most. Today’s drive took over 6 hours to complete.

The hospital has a tent set up outside the front door for COVID testing for scheduled patients only. I had to be onsite between 10am and 3pm. We located the line of cars at 1:53pm. We were that close to missing the mark!

Following the very simple swab of both nostrils, I melted down. I was confused and filled with fear. All of the tension I felt had finally dribbled out of me. I needed to find our temporary home away from home….quickly.

Somehow we found this hotel. It is in the middle of downtown Denver. One way roads, bus lanes, tall buildings everywhere (including the Denver Mint and the State Capital building), no decent parking except for those in inconvenient locations, constant screeching ambulances and many homeless people hiding from the falling snow, j-walking and getting into anyone’s business. We have removed everything visible inside of our vehicle so it is not a temptation to break into.

Yes! This is most difficult for me. Noise triggers every symptom I struggle with. Our room is located at the end of the building and seems to overhang the sidewalks below making it difficult for me to understand how the frantic traffic will not scale the face of this place and end up in our room.

I have put everything we brought with us in it’s proper place. I have my pj’s on. I finally succeeded in getting the room heated. I placed my weighted blanket over the bed. Finally I am in the safety of my familiar.

Dennis just returned from Whole Foods grocery with fresh foods for us to enjoy.

HOW DID WE GET HERE?

Obviously, I have described our day fairly well but I really have not answered the question properly. Dennis and I got here by God’s grace. There’s absolutely no other way to explain our individual and our married journeys. Both Dennis’ and my childhood wounds brought us together (stray dogs somehow find one another). Every one of our years together have been lived with us attempting to grow out of our past and into our future.

Two years ago, Dennis and I realized that he put my engagement ring on my finger 48 yrs ago. This is a good opener…and a perfect closer. Stay tuned…….

We are going to explore Psalm 139 this week. I have attached it below. Please take a moment to read it. Yes, it sounds like God inspired King David to write it just for me…..and you too.

Hugs Always,

Suzanne

Psalm 139 For the Pure and Shining One

(The Passion Translation)
King David’s poetic song
¹ Lord, you know everything there is to know about me.
² You perceive every movement of my heart and soul,
and you understand my every thought before it even enters my mind.
^3–4 You are so intimately aware of me, Lord.
You read my heart like an open book
and you know all the words I’m about to speak
before I even start a sentence!
You know every step I will take before my journey even begins.
⁵ You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way,
and in kindness you follow behind me
to spare me from the harm of my past.
With your hand of love upon my life,
you impart a blessing to me.
⁶ This is just too wonderful, deep, and incomprehensible!
Your understanding of me brings me wonder and strength.
⁷ Where could I go from your Spirit?
Where could I run and hide from your face?
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you’re there!
If I go down to the realm of the dead, you’re there too!
⁹ If I fly with wings into the shining dawn, you’re there!
If I fly into the radiant sunset, you’re there waiting!
¹⁰ Wherever I go, your hand will guide me;
your strength will empower me.
¹¹ It’s impossible to disappear from you
or to ask the darkness to hide me,
for your presence is everywhere, bringing light into my night.
¹² There is no such thing as darkness with you.
The night, to you, is as bright as the day;
there’s no difference between the two.
¹³ You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside
and my intricate outside,
and wove them all together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex!
Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking.
It simply amazes me to think about it!
How thoroughly you know me, Lord!
¹⁵ You even formed every bone in my body
when you created me in the secret place,
carefully, skillfully shaping me from nothing to something.
¹⁶ You saw who you created me to be before I became me!
Before I’d ever seen the light of day,
the number of days you planned for me
were already recorded in your book.
^17–18 Every single moment you are thinking of me!
How precious and wonderful to consider
that you cherish me constantly in your every thought!
O God, your desires toward me are more
than the grains of sand on every shore!
When I awake each morning, you’re still with me.
¹⁹ O God, come and slay these bloodthirsty, murderous men!
For I cry out, “Depart from me, you wicked ones!”
²⁰ See how they blaspheme your sacred name
and lift up themselves against you, but all in vain!
²¹ Lord, can’t you see how I despise those who despise you?
For I grieve when I see them rise up against you.
²² I have nothing but complete hatred and disgust for them.
Your enemies shall be my enemies!
²³ God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart.
Examine me through and through;
find out everything that may be hidden within me.
Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares.
²⁴ See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on,
and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways—
the path that brings me back to you.

Today is Saturday, March 21, 2020. My day began with sleeping in. I really enjoyed the extra rest I received.

After taking a shower I realized that it was time to re-enter my mildHBOT. I took a break for about six weeks. I am currently inside my chamber loving the time I get to spend with God, in solitude, and with you.

I do not know where to begin. I am truly lost. I feel like I am wondering through every day that has passed since 2:42am, Sunday, February 9, 2020 when I received the text from my youngest brother, Tom, that Mom had passed away.

I still can not wrap my mind around what happened that night. D and I had arrived at our daughter’s house after midnight and at the advice of Tom, we went to bed to sleep a bit before our intended visit at about 8am. D has to drive since I am comfortable with driving long distances. I did not do well on that drive. I burped over 80X and every time we got out of the truck on our drive, I would fall into walls or the side of the truck as I got in and out of it. My appetite was poor since all I could think about was seeing Mom before she left us.

Dysautonomia is a condition that I developed following TBI. I have a very real issue that I have to deal with every day. It is called neurocardiogenic syncope. My brain and heart have developed a disconnect so my heart does not send enough oxygen to my brain when I am standing. I have to take a rx every morning to assist me in dealing with this condition throughout my day.

I was troubled while on the 1000 mile trip about the intensity of my burps, the inablility to focus clearly and the continued dizziness. I realized while I was picking myself up in in the stall of a gas station women’s restroom that there was more to my condition than we already knew. I literally felt as if the floor beneath my feet was in motion. Even though we had stopped to fill up the truck’s tank, walk and stretch a bit, and use the facilities, my body did not realize that I was not in the truck traveling over 80 miles per hours. I was walking on still ground but my body did not line up with that reality.

Fast forward to a week ago, a FB friend reported a condition that she has that really triggered my curiosity. It’s called vestibulopathy. This lady was suffering many of the bizarre symptoms that I have continued to have for the past four years. I decided to read all that I could find online about the disorder she described. It occurs when the balance portions of both inner ears are damaged. The symptoms typically include imbalance and visual disturbance. The imbalance is worse in the dark, or in situations where footing is uncertain. The visual symptoms, called “oscillopsia.” It only occur when the head is moving. This is a good indicator that I really can not safely drive a vehicle out on the highway or in heavy traffic.

Oscillopsia

I am convinced that I have bilateral traumatic vestibulopathy. I am going to ask my doctors about it soon. It is a dysautonomic condition. Of course it is! It is caused by a trauma. I do not know if knowing that I have this condition will do any good but it gives me some sort of understanding about how, why, and what I face every day since the moderate TBI I experienced on Sunday, March 13, 2016. Yes, four years ago and I am still messed up.

GOOD GRIEF!

The morning that I received that message from Tom was when I shut down emotionally. I am unable to grieve. What do I grieve when I have no idea what happened? Have I have been told a lie. You see, I asked to see Mom and I was not given the opportunity to say good bye to her lifeless body. Who chose to tell me what I needed or what was in my best interest?

Life has not been easy for me. Losses. Troubles. Hurts. Pain. Lies. Abuses. These have been what I am not able to deal with today. I have so many gaps. I have so many gaping holes in my fractured life. There are many wounds that are decayed. Why? Why am I left to deal with all of this myself? Why do have I these deficits caused by the TBI? Why do I have nightmares? Why do I live every day expecting no resolve? Why do I hurt so badly but can’t see the light that I know is right before me? Why do I struggles with simply letting go? Why do I lay awake at night not wanting tomorrow to come? Why?

Mom was told two weeks before she died that she had a small cell cancer growing rapidly inside of her body. My last conversation with Mom was on February 5, 2020. Four days later, she was dead. Dead. Death is terminal. Mom is dead.

D and Mom are the only family members who have been supportive of my efforts to recover from the moderate TBI. And now…. I love you Mom.

GOOD GRIEF!

Faith in Yeshua my Good Shepherd is the anchor I cling to.

I’m ending now with a well-known psalm. I am pasting the Passion Translation for our reading today. God’s very best to each of you.

Suz

Psalm 23 The Passion Translation

The Good Shepherd

23 David’s poetic praise to God
¹ The Lord is my best friend and my shepherd.
I always have more than enough.
² He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love.
His tracks take me to an oasis of peace, the quiet brook of bliss.
³ That’s where he restores and revives my life.
He opens before me pathways to God’s pleasure
and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness
so that I can bring honor to his name.
⁴ Lord, even when your path takes me through
the valley of deepest darkness,
fear will never conquer me, for you already have!
You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way.
Your authority is my strength and my peace.
The comfort of your love takes away my fear.
I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.
⁵ You become my delicious feast
even when my enemies dare to fight.
You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;
you give me all I can drink of you until my heart overflows.
⁶ So why would I fear the future?
For your goodness and love pursue me all the days of my life.
Then afterward, when my life is through,
I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!

Today is October 31, 2019. My entire life, I have celebrated my Daddy’s birthday today. Halloween was never primary. Daddy’s birthday was!

I think on the years past and wonder why they so quickly have past but realize also that GOD is the author of my life, so I celebrate the memory of my Daddy and I am gratefully humbled. Happy Birthday to you, Albert N Hilgen, Jr. I love you and miss you very much.

It is a bittersweet day for sure. The sweet being my remembrance of Daddy. The bitter seems to pervasively mess with me every day. I am scarcely holding it together these days. I enjoy moments but not days.

Since my fall at work in March, 2016, I lost the vitality I once had. Every day has it’s own struggles. Every nighttime is very unpleasant as I am unable to relax enough to get the proper rest I need. I am sleep deprived until after 3am most nights. Then day comes and I want to hide under my covers because I am so exhausted and yet another day must be faced whether I like it or not. So here I am today. Looking at the clock and realizing that the daylight is nearly gone…aware that I will be facing another sleepless/restless night again.

Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are very real. Both are debilitating and degenerative. I feel the decline. I painfully remove myself from relationship and find myself remotely associating with those I love the most. I text them or occasionally put heart emojis on their FB posts.

And today, I am overwhelmed with just how bleak it looks for our future. D has not been able to locate employment for over one year where he can work from home and still provide me with the physical and emotional support I need as my caregiver. He tries every day to find something/anything to bring in the income we desperately need. D has been writing a book series for months in his spare time. It seems to be a really good project. He wants me to edit it but I have no energy to appropriately assist him. I want to be the best I can be for him but it is so hard to engage in real life. So I pretend. He sees right through it and still loves me.

I prayed last night for my husband. I thanked GOD for him. I blessed D. I truly want him to thrive. He deserves so much more. He’s been awesome in supporting me and helping me through my pain and fear. And still the pain and fear surround me, consume me, mocks me.

I asked GOD this afternoon for a scripture that I can wrap myself in. I need that much assurance today. Here is where HE led me: Psalm 107. Yes, every verse tells me that HE loves me. He will rescue us. But how? And when? O GOD forgive me for my overwhelming fear. Protect my precious husband and guide him in the way in which we should go. I will follow. We need YOU to guide us. LORD, help us, rescue us! I pray…

Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts.

Hugs,

Suz

Psalm 107 The Passion Translation (TPT)

God’s Constant Love

1 Let everyone give all their praise and thanks to the Lord!

Here’s why—he’s better than anyone could ever imagine.

Yes, he’s always loving and kind, and his faithful love never ends.

2–3 So, go ahead—let everyone know it!

Tell the world how he broke through

and delivered you from the power of darkness and

has gathered us together from all over the world.

He has set us free to be his very own!

4 Some of us once wandered in the wilderness like desert nomads,

with no true direction or dwelling place.

5 Starving, thirsting, staggering,

we became desperate and filled with despair.

6 Then we cried out, “Lord, help us! Rescue us!” And he did!

7 He led us right into a place of safety and abundance,

a suitable city to dwell in.

8 So lift your hands and thank God for his marvelous kindness

and for all his miracles of mercy for those he loves.

9 How he satisfies the souls of thirsty ones

and fills the hungry with all that is good!

10 Some of us once sat in darkness,

living in the dark shadows of death.

We were prisoners to our pain, chained to our regrets.

11 For we rebelled against God’s word

and rejected the wise counsel of God Most High.

12 So he humbled us through our circumstances,

watching us as we stumbled, with no one there to pick us back up.

Our own pain became our punishment.

13 Then we cried out, “Lord, help us! Rescue us!” And he did!

14 His light broke through the darkness and

he led us out in freedom from death’s dark shadow

and snapped every one of our chains.

15 So lift your hands and give thanks to God for his marvelous kindness

and for his miracles of mercy for those he loves!

16 For he smashed through heavy prison doors and

shattered the steel bars that held us back, just to set us free!

17 Some of us were such fools, bringing on ourselves

sorrow and suffering all because of our sins.

18 Sick and feeble, unable to stand the sight of food,

we drew near to the gates of death.

19 Then we cried out, “Lord, help us! Rescue us!” And he did!

20 God spoke the words “Be healed,” and we were healed,

delivered from death’s door!

21 So lift your hands and give thanks to God for his marvelous kindness

and for his miracles of mercy for those he loves!

22 Bring your praise as an offering and your thanks as a sacrifice

as you sing your story of miracles with a joyful song.

23 Some of us set sail upon the sea to faraway ports,

transporting our goods from ship to shore.

24 We were witnesses of God’s power out in the ocean deep;

we saw breathtaking wonders upon the high seas.

25 When God spoke he stirred up a storm,

lifting high the waves with hurricane winds.

26–27 Ships were tossed by swelling sea, rising to the sky,

then dropping down to the depths,

reeling like drunkards, spinning like tops,

everyone at their wits’ end until even sailors despaired of life,

cringing in terror.

28 Then we cried out, “Lord, help us! Rescue us!” And he did!

29 God stilled the storm, calmed the waves,

and he hushed the hurricane winds to only a whisper.

30 We were so relieved, so glad as he guided us

safely to harbor in a quiet haven.

31 So lift your hands and give thanks to God for his marvelous kindness

and for his miracles of mercy for those he loves!

32 Let’s exalt him on high and lift up our praises in public;

let all the people and the leaders of the nation know

how great and wonderful is Yahweh, our God!

33 Whenever he chooses he can dry up a river

and turn the land into a desert.

34 Or he can take a fruitful land and make it into a saltwater swamp,

all because of the wickedness of those who dwell there.

35 But he also can turn a barren wilderness into an oasis with water!

He can make springs flow into desert lands

36 and turn them into fertile valleys so that cities spring up,

and he gives it all to those who are hungry.

37 They can plant their fields and vineyards there

and reap a bumper crop and gather a fruitful harvest.

38 God will bless them and cause them to multiply and prosper.

39 But others will become poor,

humbled because of their oppression, tyranny, and sorrows.

40 For God pours contempt upon their arrogant abuse of power,

heaping scorn upon their princes,

and makes them wander among ruins.

41 But he raises up the poor and lowly with his favor,

giving them a safe place to live where no one can touch them.

God will grant them a large family and bless them!

42 The lovers of God will rejoice when they see this.

Good men are glad when the evil ones are silenced.

43 If you are truly wise, you’ll learn from what I’ve told you.

It’s time for you to consider these profound lessons

of God’s great love and mercy!

It is 5am, Thursday morning, September 19, 2019. I have been awake since 1am. I woke to enjoy the night with our Lord. I prayed. I talked with Him. I  listened to youtube worship videos. The one that meant the most to me tonight is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1wvgLkyVfQ&list=PLkvLb_BEbTVT1jNeav3jf-AWNcXQKjv9u&index=52&t=0s

Letting Go!

Since returning from So Cal two and a half weeks ago, I am still not 100% recovered. Why has it been so hard to return to myself? What has been holding me back from appreciating the peace and comfort of our home and our simple lifestyle? When will I feel strength return to my weakened spirit, emotions and physical body? How? By………Letting Go!

I have realized a lot about myself since returning home. I am the first born of seven. I am the only daughter. My six brothers have always been their own tribe. I remain an outsider, a foreigner, a misfit in my family of origin and yet, I am not alone. The genuine love expressed by my three youngest brothers continues to bless me today! Thank you Greg, Terry and Tom!

I have written in past blogs of the multiple illnesses, accidents and terrible experiences I lived through in my first 17 years of life.  I began this blog to document my recovery from moderate TBI and PTSD due to a fall at work 3.5 years ago. We purchased a mild hyperbaric chamber to use here at home. It has been a wonderful experience and I am happy to say that each dive has benefited me greatly. But now I realize that http://www.suzlivewell.com is what God is using to bring me to wholeness.

Letting Go!

Remembering so many events in my lifetime has brought me to tonight’s “Letting Go!” I can do this. I will do it. Now; right now,  is a great time to begin…. I remember the day that my Dad let go of my bicycle and I road it without incident! I remember the day that I dived into the pool and swam my first race, winning a blue ribbon. I remember the events prior to falling from the moving vehicle that left me alone in the street seizing. I remember the morning that my cousin came into my bedroom saying “Vice is nice but incest is best” as he raped me. I cried for help from my brother who was in the bedroom beside mine, but he never came. I remember the day my Dad called me telling me that the person who severely harmed me  for years and stalked me for over 20 years had finally died. I remember a nasty co-worker laughing at the huge lump on my forehead, saying “I told you to retire.” And I remember the humiliation I felt as I was being mocked and laughed at by a brother while I was working so hard to assist with the safe living space for my Mom following her bad blood infection. I remember so many more events that have shaped me. I remember…  By Letting Go!

Yesterday I chose to breathe again… By Letting Go! I resigned from my distributorship in a business that I worked for nearly 20 years. What a relief! I wrote a very short resignation email to the company. I then sent texts to my small team to let them know what I had done. There are multiple reasons for resigning. The primary reason was to be free from hurtful family entanglements.

Soon I am going to revisit items that I brought home with me from Mom’s house…             By Letting Go! I found my report cards from multiple school years. These clearly show when the “Terribles” began and continued through my senior year of high school. Terribles that have to be visited so multiple gaping holes can be filled in with God’s healing salve. “Terribles” are the years of being raped and exploited by my swim coach and other men and boys as he trafficked me. “Terribles” also include the person that raped me on my 16th birthday saying, “I’m going to give you something you will never forget.” That person abused me multiple times daily for nearly two years and forced me to do “Terrible” things as he threatened me with large knives to my neck and private parts and with a loaded gun to my head that continued throughout the years that he stalked me.

Letting Go!

D and I will rely on God to help us through this layer of healing. I have been so blessed to be married to a man who knew just how deep my wounds were even before we dated. He still chose to marry me! WOW! It has not been easy for D to be married to a deeply damaged woman. He has demonstrated his love countless times. He has helped me live through the years of bad nightmares, self-hatred, and the ever-present very deep, deep places of fear, painful body memories and depression.

D and I will review the letters that Daddy kept that I wrote of my love for God and my family. They are painful to read but sure do show just how badly I felt during the “Terrible” years and the years that followed. Before I left Mom’s house, I read one of the letters to her.  She held me and told me how much she loved me. We cried. What a tender memory! Thank you Mom. I love you so much.

Letting Go!

Thank you for sharing in my recovery. We are not alone. We are community. We Let Go and grow together. This is why I have been as transparent as I have been today. I am Letting Go!

May you find the peace, the hope and the faith to Let Go of your very real wounds dear family and friends. I am confident that God’s Word is true:

Deuteronomy 31:6

(NIV) “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them (“Terribles”), for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”

(The Message Bible) “Be strong. Take courage, Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; He won’t leave you.”

Hugs,

Suz

 

 

 

 

 

Today is Sunday, September 8, 2019. There are storm clouds overhead. Thunder, lightning and cool air is surely welcome. It is now raining, the air smells fresh and clean. I’m enjoying the scent of my maturing crabapples blowing through the front window! It’s turning out to be an amazing day! Thank You Lord!

I returned home one week ago following eighteen days in So Cal. My Mom needed help following two ER visits, hospitalization and transfer to rehab hospital for continued care. She was recovering from a blood infection in her lower leg and ankle. I traveled there to secure a safe home environment for Mom to return to following discharge home. I was assisted by two of my brothers. I also received the valuable assistance of our daughter, Sarah, as she removed a lot of trash, organized items for sale and for donation. Mom agreed to remove 80% of what was in the house. The task was overwhelming.

In my travel to So Cal., God blessed me with the assistance of a lovely lady who sat next to me in the first plane. I got through the tough ordeal with her calm demeanor and sweet kindness. My brain is not healed sufficiently to deal with every stimulus I had to face. Lynn observed my decline in balance, cognitive processing, moments of aphasia and my wavering countenance. She was quick to calm me and help me deal with each trial I faced before we were separated for our next flight. I was able to pre-board and requested the assistance of the steward to locate my seat. Lynn was seated in first class and my seat was in the back of the plane. We were aboard a 737. I was on my own and fear overtook me. I requested the assistance of the stewardess on how to use the tiny toilet space. The amount of overstimulation at the end of that flight left me powerless to figure out what to do once I exited the plane. I walked the full length of the terminal before I found how to exit to the lower lever to recover my luggage. I then had to walk to the other end of the terminal to arrive at our plane’s baggage claim area. By the time I walked that distance, only a few pieces of luggage remained for me to choose from. I didn’t understand which were mine because all of the bags were upside down. Lynn saw me and again assisted me in locating my two bags. We hugged and Lynn left me to wait for my brother to pick me up at curbside. I called Terry and told him which sign I was standing under.

What a glorious sight! Terry drove up to where I was standing. His smile was infectious. I needed the grounding he provided me. Our drive to Mom’s rehab hospital was another hurdle for me to conquer. I’m not too sure that I did well. There was traffic everywhere. I kept looking at Terry’s smile to get me through another crisis. We arrived at the hospital safely and we were able to spend time with Mom. She was so happy to see both of us. I was exhausted and it was getting late. Terry had to wrap his arm around me as we walked to his vehicle. I was crashing. My mind was shutting down. I was hungry but not able to eat. I just wanted to fall asleep to recover from the day’s seriously overwhelming events. And then….

Terry and I took a nostalgic drive to Mom’s house.  It was a nice distraction. Upon entering the house we instantly realized that things were not right at all.  The smell of mold led us to a nasty laundry room. We dealt with it as best we could. We walked around the house evaluating the enormous task that we had to face beginning that very moment. What had I agreed to do? Was I going to be able to face each crisis and difficulty with sanity? Why had I thought that I could manage everything that I saw, smelled, felt, and realized? I surrendered myself to the task before me in order to deal with what I was facing. I trusted that God would tenderly care for me.

Mom has owned her house for 60 years. She has been doing her best to meet the challenges of living her later years without the sound mind of my father who passed away six years ago following multiple years of mental, emotional and physical decline. Mom also shares her home with our developmentally disabled brother. Chris is quite a handful. I had to face his deficits and demons every moment of every day. I relied on the prayers my loving husband and of many others who held me up when I wanted to run away or rip into Chris because of those unspeakable things that he does, the terrible words that he says, and the despicable way in which he lives. His daily rants and accusations nearly crushed me. In order to survive, I would retreat to my Mom’s master bedroom in the early evening to avoid further emotional, physical and spiritual calamity.

Each day melted into another. Each moment left me worse than the last. I made it through those days with God’s help. There were constant battles I faced. Decisions had to be made that kept Mom’s safety paramount. Whenever either Terry or Greg showed up to assist me, my spirit felt refreshed. I enjoyed the discussions we had together. It was great to reconnect with both of them. I left So Cal with good memories of our times together. Mom, Chris, Greg and Terry significantly impacted my time spent there. Tom was able to speak with me by phone and I was grateful for each call. I was wounded by the short visit of my brother Mike and the seeming annoyance I brought to Joe too. Family dynamics!

We were successful in making Mom’s home safer for her to live comfortably. The house needs much more assistance but for the most part, it looks and smells really good. Greg and Terry will be assisting Mom with the remaining areas that need to be purged. Mike is going to do some repairs in the house to make it much more safe for Mom. Tom is bringing Mom to his house for a couple of months so Mom can be away from the demo Mike will be doing to the master bathroom and hallways. Mom will return home with all of that accomplished. I am grateful!

On my return home, I utilized the traveling assistance that is available. I couldn’t have traveled as well as I did without the help. The assistant at SNA was excellent. I tipped her. The assistant at DEN was horrible. He ran over a number of people in getting me to my gate. I did not tip him. I asked for the assistance of those who sat next to me and I was grateful for both of the ladies I sat next to on my flights. I walked from the plane to our home terminal without assistance. I just wanted to be in the arms of my D. It was so good to see him. It was even better to feel his arms around me. I was back home! I was safe! I was in his arms! I was in our vehicle! I was inside of our home! I was back in our bed! I slept for hours.

What Is Happening?

I just do not understand what I have been going through this past week. I wake at night not knowing where I am. I struggle with finding my bearings. I am so confused and frightened.  I wake not knowing who I am. I lay there trying to figure out where I am and why nothing is familiar. I hear D’s breathing and remember who it is that is laying next to me. But then I do not know where home is and lose all sense of our nearly 50 years together. I sit on the side of the bed and wonder where the bathroom is. I reach for my cell phone to light up where I am. Then I remember where the bathroom is. I return to bed secure in knowing that I am home. BUT…the same scenario repeats itself every time I wake in the middle of the night, in the morning, or even if I take a nap in my recliner. These repeat over and over again each day. This morning I was convinced that I was in Mom’s house when I woke up. I had a pillow over my head. I thought that I heard Chris’ rants and Mom’s corresponding  anxiety. I knew that it was Sunday but I was sure that I was there and not here; wherever “here” is.

Convincing myself that I live here in this home is difficult initially. I live with my husband and dogs here. I wait until I am able to comprehend those things that I am telling myself. Then after a few minutes I begin to believe myself and I resume living life as I should.

What Is Happening?

How do I arrive here?

Where I am back home?

And when will it be safe for me to wake here at home?

When will I understand where I am and what my life is about?

What in the world is going on?

Why is it happening?

What am I to do to regain the truth, the reality of this life I am living?

What Is Happening?

I share this with you because I trust you. I am functioning throughout the day in a much slower mode but I am successful. I have minimally enjoyed my garden. I have loved hand washing our dishes. I have done laundry. I have even vacuumed and shampooed carpets this week. I am enjoying my normal dietary regime. I have enjoyed unpacking and rearranging my daily routine to fit my new schedule of supplements. I have unpacked the items I brought home with me for Garrett and his family. They have enjoyed each item too.

Consciously I am returning to who I am. Unconsciously, I struggle to find myself.

Come Lord, heal my wounds. Bring recovery to my spirit, soul and body. Heal the wounds of the distant past and those most recent wounds that I suffered. Return to me the joy and hope and peace I need so much.

Hugs to all,

Suzanne

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good Afternoon Dear Friends.

August 2, 2019 already! WOW!

I am sitting inside my chamber enjoying the cool air around me. An hour ago, we turned the window air conditioner on to cool the room. I put eight lunch box ice packs and a large therapeutic ice bag inside a cooler where the coiled tubes from the compressors are sending cool air inside my safe place. I have wrapped my body in a knee ice pack. Yes, it is perfect to pull over my shoulders. I turned on my personal essential oil fan with four drops of frankinsence in it. I am drinking iced coffee and I am nibbling on some nuts and candied ginger.  My cell phone is with me so I can talk with Mom. My laptop is here with me too, of course.  It is already 12:24pm. Where has half of the day already gone? My ears particularly feel tender today but I am doing well. We are at full pressure. Let’s do this together!

The past ten days have been very tough. I have relied on the strength of my precious husband and my brothers Greg and Terry to handle the family crisis personally. Their support has helped me relax enough to fight this battle. Mike and Chris have also helped me emotionally.

My nearly 91 year old Mom spent a few weeks with us last month. We had a great time together. We played card and dice games. We had great conversations. We ate delicious meals together. We enjoyed a family dinner with Garrett’s family too. Mom gave me great hugs and kisses every day. We enjoyed watching our granddaughter/ her great granddaughter in a University of Oregon softball camp and a national softball tournament. We also enjoyed a delicious dinner date with my brother Tom and together we met my grand-niece, Mom’s newest great-granddaughter (**) along with her precious new parents, Brennan and Michala. I love having Mom here and truly missed her the moment we said good-bye at the gate for her return home.                                                                                                       ** Mom is a great grandmother again…yesterday another baby girl was born. Yeah! Mom is the mother of one girl and six boys. She is a grandmother of sixteen and the great-grandmother of nine.

My Fighting Spirit has had an exhausting and overwhelming ten days. Last night was the first good sleep I have received in over a week. Mom was bit in the ankle by one of my brothers small dog and the cascade of serious medical issues lit up in her frail body.

Mom is a thousand miles away. I couldn’t be there to manage every moment of her recovery. I fought every day for her. I probably frustrated my brothers with my deep concern for Mom. I wanted to take over and instead, I had to surrender.

In the past 10 days, Mom was a patient in the ER twice and then she was hospitalized for multiple days. Mom is now continuing to recover in a rehab hospital. Her diagnosis is systemic cellulitis. It is a serious infection. She has been on constant antibiotics since last Friday. Mom is receiving hour-long physical therapy six times a week and occupational therapy five times a week. The rehab hospital will not release her until her complete treatment team are in agreement that Mom can return home infection free and capable of living safely.

I will continue to FIGHT for Mom. My Fighting Spirit has been through so much over my lifetime. I will not give up or give in to the ploys of the enemy of my soul. Those same devious and distructive enemies have brought harm to those that I love. They have also severely harmed those who I have served as a nurse, addiction counselor and also my customers who meant so much to me. I FIGHT even for you.

I am not superwoman or have extraordinary skills. I am passionate and eager to assist others. I live a life of faith. My faith defines me. My faith is my defense.

In my mother’s womb, I fought the environmental issues that tried to take my life. I was my Mom’s first child. Mom and I were incompatible, so I fought to survive, even in her womb. Mom needed a surgical procedure also while I was in her womb. That too was a battle to overcome. And I did! — My Fighting Spirit.

The day of my birth was tragic. The nurses infected seven of us born that day with fecal nasties. I am the only baby that survived it because my Mom noticed an infected scratch on my hand a few days after she brought me home.  The doctor gave me antibiotics a few days before the acute bladder, kidney and liver infection was detected. —My Fighting Spirit.

As a first grader, I was diagnosed with Rheumatic Fever following a routine tonsillectomy.  It was a terrible year as I remember. I triumphed. — My Fighting Spirit.

I have written previously of the years of sexual abuse I tragically experienced at the hands of my swim coach. I have recently realized that I was trafficked by him and the outcome could have been even worse. He used me in his multiple schemes to harm me and other swimmers.                                                                                                                                                  I have written previously of the other trusted adult who not only harmed me on a daily basis sexually, emotionally, and physically,  but he also stalked me until his death after I had married and become a mother. This person took advantage of a girl who wanted most to be an obedient daughter. He threatened me with death with guns to my head and knives to my private parts. He mind-raped me and left me in the middle of the street, bloodied and unconscious.                                                                                                           These terrible men intended to strip me of my identity.  They used and abused me in their devious plans to take advantage time and again of my personhood. Through the years my husband has been stellar in protecting me and loving me unconditionally even when I did not want to be touched or even told that I was loved. I am not destroyed and I continue to fight those demons that were perpetrated on me. With the help of Jesus and everyone who truly love me, I will triumph. — My Fighting Spirit.

I have had far too many medical procedures, surgeries, injuries, accidents and complications throughout my life. I have fought for my medical best, even when the motives of those medical professionals were not pure. I have struggled with the adverse consequences of medical mistakes and the residual limitations following each diagnosis and treatment. I have won each battle and will continue throughout my life. — My Fighting Spirit.

Multiple brain injuries have harmed me over most of my life.  50 years plus.                                                           1) As a teenager I fell from a moving vehicle. I was dragged by that vehicle. I flew from the vehicle landing on my head. I was unconscious and seizured. I was left abandoned in a heap. Once in the hospital I was put into a medically induced coma and woke with partial blindness, a depressed skull fracture and terrible brain injury.                                      2) I was a passenger in a vehicle hit by a drunk driver. His vehicle hit us right where I was sitting. Whiplash, c-spine, t-spine, l-spine injuries have resulted in stenosis and spasms for years.                                                                                                                                     3) A face-plant on a concrete driveway that resulted in severe headaches and nose pain. I ended up with a slight deviation of my nasal septum.                                                                          4) A fall at work nearly 3.5 years ago was first diagnosed as a concussion. A MRI seven months post-injury, I diagnosed TBI with softening and scarring of my frontal and temporal lobes. Last year two further diagnostics confirmed that I suffered a Moderate TBI. Every location of my brain was injured by the fall.                                                                 Before I began these hyperbaric dives and multiple progressive adjunct therapies, I was regressing in speech, memory and cognition, movement, sleep, personal care related to emotional, physical and spiritual vitality and relationships. I was becoming isolated and my total brain function was failing. Emotionally, I was depressed and listless. I was unable to live daily life without the constant attention of my husband. I was frustrated by those who told me time and again that I looked fine or questioned how a few seconds could do such damage. Those hurtful words did not benefit my recovery. I chose to fight despite all of the opposition. — My Fighting Spirit                                                                                                                                                          I am so grateful for this chamber and every therapy I do to improve my health. I am grateful for the support of my excellent medical team. The loving care and attention of my husband and family are excellent motivators for wellness.  My Mom is a vital part of my recovery.  That’s why these past 10 days have been so difficult. — My Fighting Spirit.

How am I able to endure so many tough blows and still choose to thrive through every violation and threat?

What is a Fighting Spirit?

The Cambridge Dictionary’s definition: noun; the willingness to compete or to do things that are difficult: synonyms: bravery, backbone, boldness, daring, fearlessness, fortitude, heart, nerve, valor…  Another definition that I found online is: (n.) somebody whose heart and soul refuse to give up when going through a difficult time

 

Romans 8:35-39 (The Passion Translation)Who could ever separate us from the endless love of God’s Anointed One? Absolutely no one! For nothing in the universe has the power to diminish his love toward us. Troubles, pressures, and problems are unable to come between us and heaven’s love. What about persecutions, deprivations, dangers, and death threats? No, for they are all impotent to hinder omnipotent love, even though it is written:All day long we face death threats for your sake, God. We are considered to be nothing more than sheep to be slaughtered! Yet even in the midst of all these things, we triumph over them all, for God has made us to be more than conquerors, and his demonstrated love is our glorious victory over everything! So now I live with the confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God’s love. I’m convinced that his love will triumph over death, life’s troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens. There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken his love. There is no power above us or beneath us—no power that could ever be found in the universe that can distance us from God’s passionate love, which is lavished upon us through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One!

Hugs always,

Suz

Good Saturday, May 18, 2019 @ 4:21pm MT.  I am secure in my chamber. The guage is working well. All systems are go! My small battery operated essential oil diffuser is blowing sweet frankincense at my neck. I am enjoying a watered-down cool bulletproof coffee and some raw seeds and nuts. My cannula is providing me with oxygen. And most of all, I am relaxed and comfortable sitting in my safe place. It is very good!

Sleeplessness!

The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to.   F. Scott Fitzgerald

I want to sleep but my brain won’t stop talking to itself.   unknown

Those are quotes I found online. They say exactly what I am feeling today.

Sleep disturbance is common following traumatic brain injury (TBI).  My brain injury occurred on Sunday, March 13, 2016. It has been three years and two months…thirty eight months… Where is my circadian rhythm? Come back…do not leave me…I want to sleep well…tonight? Hopefully!

I have recently enjoyed sleeping more regularly, but there are those nights that remain where I am wide awake and unable to fall asleep until dawn. This was certainly my experience last night!

Sleeplessness!

How about you? Are you frustrated with your sleep patterns? Are you sleeping too much or not enough? Do you take naps to compensate? Or do you tough it out the following day realizing exhaustion by noon?

I am convinced that there is a sleep demon that steals our rest. It must be fat with pleasure. It must laugh at us when we try our hardest to fall asleep. Dang it! This has to stop! I need rest! I need the healing that occurs in sleep.

Sleeplessness!

Trust me, I am not grumbling. I value the importance of a regular sleep cycle. I also feel that joy is easily robbed from us when we struggle with sleep issues.

So……

Last night I chose to pray. I prayed for every person I thought of. I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to TURN AGAINST that sleep demon. I saw that I could benefit each person I prayed for. I found myself inside of God’s mighty fortress of protection while I prayed for everyone by name.  In the early hours, I woke D up from my sincere prayers for others. I felt the prayers flowing from me like a river. I was eager for Holy Spirit to help me pray. It was as if He and I were having a holy prayer time together.

I finally fell asleep when I realized that D had put his hand on my hip. It brought me such comfort and I whispered “It Was A Good Night, My Lord. Thank You, Father. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You, Holy Spirit. Amen.”

I slept four hours this morning. I woke tired and a bit exhausted but I was also invigorated with delight at slaying that sleep demon. The sword of the Spirit is The Word Of God!

Yes, I am tired now. I have a slight frontal headache. And I am doing what I know to do to take care of me. I am chambered. I am experiencing the pressure and receiving the oxygen I need to recover!

D reminded me of the peacefulness I experience while I am in my chamber! What an excellent idea! Another excellent dive has now ended.

Blessings to all!

Thank you for sharing my dive with me today.

Hugs,

Suz

 

 

 

 

Today is Thursday, May 2, 2019. it is 2:28pm. I am not in my chamber right now. I am reclined in my chair unable to do much. Welcome to my world!

It’s one of those days!

I developed a condition that probably is a result of my first serious head injury in February, 1969. We will discuss this condition later.

I fell from a vehicle going between 20-25 mph, was dragged by the vehicle and thrust from it while the driver was turning a corner. I flew off landed in the gutter. I was found by a neighbor who was returning home from work. I was unconscious and having seizures. My body was torn up and I had an apple size hole in the right side of the back of my head. Radiological findings were a depressed skull fracture medially at the back of my head and a brain bleed. Clear consciousness did not occur for many days. I was put in a medically induced coma to control the brain bleed at my optical nerve. The damage to my optical nerve resulted in months of partial blindness (I could only see different degrees of black). My recovery was slowed by a number of real physical limitations and lingering cognitive issues I needed psychiatric care from hallucinations and attempted suicides in my sleep.

It’s one of those days!

Over the years since then, I would often experience what I thought was hypoglycemia. Out of nowhere, I would feel faint, a headache always followed and the rest of the day or for days, I was mentally disoriented and found myself easily exhausted. I had been a lifeguard, swim instructor and outdoor enthusiast but could not handle heat or sunlight. These incidents were very debilitating.

In early 2008 I was standing at the stove frying taco shells. I felt faint. I called for my husband to catch me. He was able to lower me to the floor safely. I laid there unable to talk or think or see well. My husband called the paramedics. When they arrived, my blood pressure and heart beat were very low. They asked me questions that I had difficulty answering. I remember the paramedic holding up a coin. He asked me what it was. I told him that it was a quarter. He then asked me, “A quarter of what?” I looked at him as if he had twenty heads. I had no ideo what he was talking about. The hospital ER did not do much for me but observe my vital signs improving over the hours they kept me there. They referred me to my primary doctor and sent me home. The next day, I was still feeling light headed and had a nasty headache. My primary sent me to a cardiologist who told me that he was 99% sure that I had a certain condition. He told me that a tilt table test would properly diagnose it for him.

It’s one of those days!

I successfully passed the test! Two nurses assisted me to a table. They strapped me in at my head, chest and my legs. They put monitors on me. They told me not to move. They raised the table to a standing position. It was difficult to not move because the symptoms would come and I would react by tensing muscles or moving slightly. The nurses told me that I was getting close. I would think “Getting close to fainting? I don’t want that.” and I would frown. The head nurse finally called my cardiologist and told him that I was getting close often but not succeeding in whatever they were looking to find. My cardiologist told them to give me one nitroglycerin tab. It was barely in my mouth and I was out. I fainted that quickly. The nurses lowered the table and waited for me to regain myself. It took too long. I was unconscious, not breathing and my heart had stopped. The nurses were getting ready to use the defibrillator but my heart finally started faintly. I slowly came back to myself. It took over a half hour for my heart rate and blood pressure to return to normal.

My cardiologist met with me and told me that I was 100% positive for a condition called neurocardiogenic syncope. He prescribed Toprol XL which is a beta-blocker. I take one daily at breakfast. Most of all, my cardiologist told me that my body’s response is so severe that I need to immediately lay flat until the symptoms pass or I could suffer a bad outcome. Even if I am shopping or at church or at a park watching my grandson playing football (which actually happened), I have to lay flat immediately if I experience those symptoms that I am very familiar with.

My symptoms are 1) vision getting very blurry 2) my neck feeling that it won’t be able to hold my head 3) every muscle in my body feeling mushy. Lights out. It’s an awful feeling.

I have two prescriptive medications that I will continue to take daily for the rest of my life. NatureThryoid (I no longer have a thyroid/parathyroid gland) and Toprol.

It’s one of those days!

Now for today! What a morning! I woke and checked on D who had been awake for a few hours prior to me getting out of bed. I took a shower and then tackled removing the curtains in our bedroom and replacing them with another set of curtains we have. The bedroom looks better with these curtains and hopefully, our nights will be darker. Yahoo!

I walked into the kitchen to turn on the tea pot. Immediately my neurocardiogenic symptoms came quickly. I was barely able to stumble into my recliner. I took my pulse and counted less than 35 that minute. It took a few minutes to have the strength to request the blood pressure cuff from D. He brought it to me a few minutes later. By that time, it had been probably 10 minutes since near fainting. I took my blood pressure. It was 106/50 with a heart beat rate of 42. I was recovering. I had not taken my Toprol yet. Since then I have eaten and taken my medication. Now, for the recovery, no matter how long it takes to get back to “me.” Little by little I am making progress.

I will be sitting low the rest of the day. It is too much of an effort to do anything. I have the post syncope headache and I am unpleasantly lethargic. My entire body feels weak. I hit the wall, but I didn’t run a marathon or swim a mile. I neared the danger zone!

It’s one of those days!

Now for what I had promised at the beginning of this blog…

I recently realized that the neurocardiogenic syncope is an autonomic nervous system issue. A few months ago D and I were listening to a Dr describe dysautonomia and its relationship to TBI. He never mentioned my condition but I knew in my heart that the brain injury of February, 1969 caused it. I felt a sense of relief because I was able to place my neurocardiogenic syncope in it’s proper place…an outcome from my first serious brain injury.

A few minutes ago, I did a google search. I asked google (not alexis-don’t want her in my house), “Is neurocardiogenic syncope a symptom of dysautonomia?” Here is what I found:

Dysautonomias come in many forms, but they all involve the autonomic nervous system (ANS).

The ANS is responsible for maintaining a constant internal temperature, regulating breathing patterns, keeping blood pressure steady, and moderating the heart rate. 

Dysautonomia is a series of conditions affecting the neural network that controls automatic processes such as breathing, pupil dilation, and the heartbeat.

Neurocardiogenic syncope (NCS) is the most common dysautonomia. It affects tens of millions of people worldwide. The main symptom is fainting, also called syncope. This can occur on occasion only, or it may be frequent enough to disrupt a person’s daily life.

Gravity naturally pulls the blood downward, but a healthy ANS adjusts the heartbeat and muscle tightness to prevent blood pooling in the legs and feet, and to ensure blood flow to the brain.

NCS involves a failure in the mechanisms that control this. Temporary loss of blood circulation in the brain causes fainting.

I hadn’t expected today to end up this way but I am glad that I was educated. I am grateful for the years of knowing how to manage this condition. I am also grateful for a simple medication to stay the symptoms. I am most grateful for my husband. He has remained close today because he knows just how debilitating these incidents are to me.

Finally, I thank my God for being with me every day of my life. My life is precious. He made me in His image and likeness. I am made to look like and act like my Savior, Jesus Christ, my Messiah. Good news folks! It’s one of those days!

Hugs,

Suz

• http://www.medicalnewstoday.com  What’s to know about dysautonomia?

Good Tuesday, April 30, 2019. It is nearly 5pm MT. I was comfortable in the dive. I only needed to yawn once to clear my ears. All is good here in my safe place!

Recently I have been told that people that live at elevations above 5000 ft above sea level do not get the benefit of hyperbarics because something occurs at elevations above that. So I downloaded a barometer to my phone. It is reading the following right now: Station pressure 1102.40 hPa; Station altitude (GPS) 6411.93; and pressure at sea level 1396.76 hPa. I am not a barometer genius but I am pretty sure that I can interpret this well.  I am a-ok folks. I will check with Dr Hughes though about these numbers.

• I am nearing the end of my dive and I have been checking the pressure at sea level throughout the dive. It is hanging out at 1395.90. All is good!

I have been away from my blog for too long. I can give all sorts of excuses but truly it’s because I’m On A Journey! And, life happens!

For the past 3.5 months I have been more interested in my husband’s recovery from spinal surgery. He is doing very well today. He walks between 2-3 miles a day now with his shoulders back and with less of a limp. He is again much taller than me. I like that a whole bunch.

I have re-taught myself to pace myself here at home. I have accomplished a lot, as far as I am thinking. I am able to prepare and serve breakfast, lunch and dinner and clean the kitchen most days. I am able to attend to one household chore every day too. I am maintaining all of my personal needs as well. I feel as if I am becoming a better functioning woman.

I’m On A Journey! 

My Dr has been amazingly helpful in addressing the number of issues that were blocking my recovery. She took full control of my hormonal health and WOW am I noticing how much better I feel every day. She switched my synthetic thyroid to a natural compounded medication. And my Dr also prescribed another hormone that she said is the major one that has a cascading effect on my adrenals, my sex hormones and my brain. The most amazing result is that I am beginning to develop a regular sleep pattern. I am enjoying my sleep each night, even if I need to get up a few times for bathroom duties. I fall back asleep with little effort. Yahoo! I have been exhausted and brain fogged too loong since my most recent brian injury 3 + years ago.

The other issues that my Dr is addressing are heavy metal toxicity (lead and mercury primarily) and candida overgrowth. I am on a very strict diet and I take quite a few medications/supplements daily to reduce this stuff to normalcy. What? I might be a normal lady one day? Without all of the full body itching and this burning tongue? And it has the potential of ending the decades of bladder and kidney infections? I might just burp now and then, and not the hundreds a day? I said “Yes! Let’s take these offensive critters by the neck and slay them!”

I’m On A Journey!

I chose well last year to call Dr Hughes and tell him that I was all-in. We purchased this wonderful chamber. It is a Summit To Sea 60 ” Grand Dive Vertical. I am sitting in my comfortable high backed zero gravity chair. I can recline slightly if I want to. So when I am in here for hours at a time, I can take a comfortable nap!  We chose the vertical because it takes up less space. It is tall enough that I can stand up and walk around in it. I  know that I would not have stuck with the dive schedules if I had to lie down because of physical limitations. And most of all, I have emotional issues related to closed-in spaces. PTSD. So, here I am writing this blog and fully capable of breathing in the auxiliary oxygen, drinking my warm tea, answering the cell phone if it rings and totally enjoying this experience.

Dr Hughes recommended that I complete 60 dives before we drove to Basalt, CO for a three day treatment protocol in mid October, 2018. Our drive was lovely. We stayed at a really nice hotel, the light snow showers, the drive to Aspen, the delicious meals we ate and the snacks we had in our room made the trip really pleasant. Upon meeting Dr Hughes and his excellent office manager I completely gave myself to the multiple treatments I received. I cried when we left because I realized that Dr Hughes truly cared about me and the outcomes that would follow those treatments. If you are interested in reading more about Dr Hughes please go to: http://www.tbitherapy.com

I Am On A Journey!

Upon returning home from Basalt, CO, my days began changing and progressing to where I am today. I am happy to be advancing in this world of uncertainty. I am thrilled every time I hear my husband say that he sees changes in me. For example, my endurance has increased and my recovery time is shorter following a trying day’s activities. My balance is so much better. My cognition is improving. Our relationship is strengthening. My hope and my countenance is so much better…..

My daily recovery routine is important to follow. It is vital that I keep the strict diet of no coffee or black tea, no grains, no gluten, no dairy and no sugar.We are eating as close to organic as possible. I am never without hydration. I have lost 30 pounds and have not been starved to receive such benefit!

I know that the Vielight Duo has helped me a lot too. Dr Hughes recommended it following my treatments with him. We purchased it a few months ago. What a perfect addition to my recovery plan.

I’m On A Journey! to recovery.

As I close, I must thank my God for this journey! He cares for me! He loves me! He also loves you.

Psalm 139 The Passion Translation (TPT)

You Know All About Me

 

 

 

 

Good Saturday Evening, January 5, 2019 @ 17:17:17. That’s wild! I didn’t plan that! 17:17:17 … So I looked it up in the Bible. The number 17 symbolizes “overcoming the enemy” and “complete victory.” YES! I will embrace the three! One is for me. Two is for Dennis. Three is for our future.

I chose It’s A Brand New Day before I started writing this blog. With the three 17’s I am convinced that my theme and the revelation are correct. I had no idea where I was heading but I certainly do now.

Scripture means so much to me. I enjoy studying the Hebraic, Greek and Latin roots of the rich words of the bible. Our English language does not do proper justice to those meanings. I rely on many translations as I delve deeply into my studies.

1 Corinthians 13 is the famous chapter about LOVE. Look what I just discovered…LOVE IS 1) Patient 2) Kind 3) Does Not Envy 4) Does Not Boast 5) Is Not Proud 6) Does Not Dishonor Others 7) Is Not Self-Seeking 8) Is Not Easily Angered 9) Keeps No Record Of Wrongs 10) Does Not Delight In Evil 11) Rejoices With The Truth 12) Always Protects 13) Always Trusts 14) Always Hopes 15) Always Perseveres 16) Never Fails AND 17) And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But The Greatest Of These Is love. WOW WOW WOW! 17 characteristics of LOVE! I will take that!

I am on a mission to overcome the enemy who tried to take me out in the womb, at eighteen days old, at six years old, during the years of 12-21, and now with the TBI I suffered nearly three years ago.

Dennis has a debilitating issue that requires spinal surgery this month. He has been so healthy all of our years for which we are very grateful. But now he is in pain, discomfort, and he is irritable.

Our future relies on employability as social security benefits do not entirely pay the bills. We have nothing saved, no 401K, no retirement. We need a financial miracle. And how is that possible in our own strength? It isn’t. I am not able to find a part-time job. Dennis has been on medical leave from his employer since September. How much longer are they going to keep his position open?

My recovery requires that I participate in caring for myself well. There are multiple tasks  I must do and there are more to add soon. I must do these dives daily or at least five days a week. They take between 1.5 – 2.5 hours to complete them. I have to eat properly. That means no dairy, no gluten, no extra sugar, and reducing my intake of starchy foods like pasta, rice and potatoes. I need to drink non-chlorinated water preferably with electrolytes. I take a whole lot of supplements daily too. I need to walk daily. So I do my share of walking up and down our stairs here at home now that it is winter and has been very cold outside. I listen to music that is supposed to calm something in my brain. I will be finally purchasing the two pieces of therapeutic appliances that will benefit my brain waves and help heal the mitochondria in my brain too. I take a supplement for headaches or resume a ten-day course of intranasal diluted insulin to help with lessening the headaches. I try to stimulate my thinking and problem solving by doing Sudoku, crocheting, puzzle making, and trying to remember to do the tasks that lumosity has for me on a daily basis. I work on calming my anxiety and taking restful naps when I can. I still have nights where sleep does not come easily. These are tasks tha have to be attended to daily. I have to be aware of what I need to do throughout the day so I am not stressed too much before bedtime at not completing one task or another.

Dennis has been taking prescription medications to reduce the nerve pain in his back. They have played with his blood sugars and really messed with Dennis’ mind. His blood sugars must be low for the surgery to take place. He sleeps on and off throughout the day because his sleep at night is either interrupted by me or by his discomfort. He is having difficulties walking upstairs and I worry for him. The waiting is not easy for him at all.

It’s A Brand New Day! I have to keep that mindset. Jesus told us that we are not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of its own. I surely understand that! Scripture tells me that joy always comes each morning. I have not found a lasso large enough to capture every day’s joy yet, but I will keep on trying. Our bills and our needs are overwhelming me. I do not want to talk with Dennis about it because he feels responsible for any failures, shortcomings, or errors we experience financially. And then I remember…..

God is our Father. He chose us to be His. We are seated with Him in heaven. He prepares a banqueting table for us in the presence of our enemies. He cares for the birds of the air and the flowers in the fields…what more will He do for us? He strengthens the feeble body. He makes our crooked ways straight. He care for my worries and frets and needs. He gives us our daily bread. He is our Salvation, our God, our Father, our friend, our Strength, our Hope, our Helper, our Peace, our King….and so much more. Every word that I read in the bible is His word to me and Dennis and our future. God tells me not to be afraid. He reminds me of His Power and Majesty and Promises every day. We are never alone. I am reminded right now of the Footprints In The Sand poem that was popular in the 80’s and 90’s. Let me pull that up for you…

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”

It’s A Brand New Day! I am promised that by my God. WOW! As I have said in previous posts…I believe, help my unbelief LORD.

I am nearly done with my dive. It has been an honor to share what is on my heart today. Thank you for listening to me and for thinking of my precious husband. Thank you for standing in the gap for both of us through prayer and all of your kind words. Together we will overcome the enemy! Together we will have complete victory!

Hugs,

Suz

P.S. These are a part of the lyrics of a song I found online. By Joshua Radin

“It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be OK”