Author: livewell5777

Good Labor Day Monday, September 3, 2018 21:24:30 MT to you.

I have been reading about atmospheres absolute (ATA) while my chamber has been inflating.  My left ear did not like the pressurization today. I don’t even want to yawn because it hurts. I put peppermint essential oil on my ear lobes and neck before I came in here but o my, did my left ear tell me that it was not happy. I learned that the gauge can be raised or lowered to accommodate the ear. If a slower inflation will benefit my left ear, we will do just that.

I have been stating 1.3 psi in these blogs, when in actuality the 1.3 is in atmospheres or (ATA). What does that mean? I had to do the research so this is what I have found…my soft chamber fills up with air and finally reaches its designed pressure inside. It is 1.3 ATA or about 4.4 psi on the pressure gauge. Valves open to maintain those numbers. Fresh air is pumped in and stale air exhausts until the dive is done.

Interesting what a person can learn just by having an investigatory mind! I have always been curious about things in life. I remember taking a transistor radio apart and labeling each piece so I could put it back together properly. I succeeded. I took out all of its parts that were removable and put them back and it played for me for years. I boiled a frog and a toad that were already dead so I could remove their bones. Yes I did, Then I labeled each bone and recreated their skeletons in shadow boxes for a science project in fourth grade. I found out why tv tubes were dangerous to touch while the tv was plugged in. I even discovered why matches were best lit one at a time! So today was no different. I had examined the pressure gauge outside of the chamber yesterday and was puzzled by the numbers on the outside and inside of the color code. Now I know. Science is fascinating, isn’t it!

I had a great day with my Mom. We talked for hours. I read her Ezekiel 47 and told her how very much God loves her. We also played cards. I need to play cards more often because I realized that counting and remembering the numbers was difficult, especially if Mom was talking about something else and was waiting for a response from me. An amazing things happened while we played cards. We play a game that me and our kids called “Grandpa/Grandma” because they are the ones who taught us the game. I just looked the game up online and it is officially called “Three Thirteen.” Dad and Mom (aka Grandpa/Grandma) called it Texas Poker! So, we played today and I did not score one point the entire game. That has never happened to me. Mom had a very low scoring game with less than 35 points (I do not remember the actual number but it was very low). We marveled in the fact that in the 11 hands I won 9 of them. Nice!

So, my left ear is tender and does not want to pop but the initial pain is not present. I also found out yesterday that resting my back against the cool vest was pleasant enough so I did it again today. I am resting my neck on the cool towel too. I did remember to bring in the personal fan that I aim directly at my chin.

What An Education it was to better understand the pressure inside this chamber. Do I really understand? No, I am not physics knowledgeable. D has sent me a few texts trying to assist me in understanding ATA and psi. All I know is that I do experience life differently in this chamber and I am trusting that it is benefiting my brain.

My Mom and I talked about my high school education today. I am so grateful for the parochial education that my parents paid for. I am grateful that I did not have to experience public education until college. But I had a terrible experience in my junior year of high school that is still evident when I talk about it. I drove to school one day with a girl who lived close-by. She jumped into the back seat of my car in the parking lot and made out with her boyfriend. I had no idea they were going to do that! I got called into the high school principal’s office that morning and there sat my Mom. I was so worried that something had happened to my Daddy. Mom was crying. I ran to her and asked her what was wrong. The principal told me to sit down and explained that I was expelled and to go to my classroom and my locker and clear out. I was to leave the school grounds immediately and never return. I did not understand what had happened. I was not a bad girl. I did nothing wrong. Why was the principal punishing me? I returned to the classroom and removed my belongings in tears. My teacher called me over to her and I told her that the principal has expelled me for something I did not do. Friends of mine told our teacher that as soon as I parked my car, I had gone to the grassy area where we always sat before class. They had seen me leave my car. The teacher gave them permission to go the principal’ss office and report what they knew. The principal did not want to listen to them. She was not going to believe them. I never returned to my high school. I wanted to graduate with the girls I had grown up with. I was forced to leave in disgrace when I was completely innocent. I might have graduated from another parochial high school but it never felt like home. I was removed from my safe haven and punished for someone else’s actions. The girl who was in my car that morning never admitted that she was the person in my car nor was she ever confronted by the principal. The girl graduated from the high school pregnant by the guy. Sad. I have heard that she is divorced too.

Life….What An Education!

Suz

Its Sunday evening, September 2, 2018 21:39:40 and all is well in my chamber. Today was a good day. Yesterday was not so good. Seems the way things are in the TBI world. We can have ok days and not so ok days and we can have bad days too. I have learned a big lesson about life….To Go With It No Matter How The Day Is!  Yesterday I had difficulty lifting my head from the headrest on my recliner. My head hurt so bad and my neck just didn’t want to be the support it was designed to be. Miserable and in pain, intense pain.

D went to the airport for Mom’s arrival this afternoon. I stayed at home while our neighbor was putting in the plumbing on our new kitchen sink. It is so good to see my Mom. Her 90th birthday is this coming Friday. I bought her a tiara to wear! I love her so much. Thank you Mommy for choosing to celebrate your special day with us!

This dive is a bit different. I did not put on my cool vest. I am pressing my back against it. I do not have the cool towel wrapped around my head. I have it rolled and at the back of my neck. I do not have my personal fan because I forgot to bring it in. I did bring in some bars to chew on and a cold glass of pom juice to drink. It is a bit warm but I am not going to fret. I ordered a few cold packs to bring in with me. I will let you know how they do in making the air in here more pleasant. I put peppermint oil on my ear lobes and neck just as Ginger recommended. And, I feel as if I could take a nap. That’s awesome. It means that I am becoming more comfortable with these dives every time I am in here. The psi is steady at 1.3 and the valve is not too loud today. One of the things that I also tried today is opening up both windows in the room and turning the ceiling fan on high and letting the chamber cool before I got in. I am pretty sure that it helped a bit anyway. Oxygen is on and I will only use it during the dive itself. I will not begin it until the pressure is where it needs to be. My left ear is aching a bit but not terribly. O, I realized that I need to put lip gloss on before the dive or my lips feel really chapped. It is so interesting how well I have learned to adapt to this new activity.

I vividly remember the first year following my fall at work. The physical symptoms were overwhelming. I remember my physical therapist asking me, “So, what did you bring me today?” In other words, she was not able to keep her treatment plan and that frustrated her a bit. She did try a number of therapies that mainly made me feel worse and never advance me to any degree of recovery. My speech therapist and occupational therapist did all that they could and felt that their knowledge and expertise had been exhausted so they discharged me. I loved seeing them because they helped me recognize the deficits I had and helped me challenge myself which is really good for an overachiever like me. My primary care physician learned a lot about concussion/TBI with me. Until my work comp cut me off it seemed like a broken record of filling out a concussion symptoms record and checking my balance and physically examining my forehead and temples that were so sensitive. And then there was a counselor who would call me and ask me about my pain level and motivation. Once work comp received the report from an MRI seven months following the fall that read in layman’s terms: softening and scarring of the frontal and temporal lobes they turned into monsters. It was terrible. They cut me off from all treatment and I was left to figure out who and what and where and how my life would be lived out without the help I so needed.

I am nearly 2.5 years post-brain injury and I have taken the reins. I am now in control of my future recovery. I pick who I want to see for the lingering symptoms and continued troubles that I face every day. I researched the best and most innovative treatments for TBI over the year + that I waited for things to settle enough to be in the place I am in now. I think about all of those who are stuck because typical medical treatment is not enough for them to advance. I hope to one day be in a position of advocacy for TBI survivors and their families.

There was a precious time in my life when I was a food bank director. It was a ministry at our church in So Calif. I would load my truck with food from a centralized bank and provide nourishment to many individuals and families. Our food bank gave out tons of food and non-perishables and it was the thrill of my life to assist those in need. One day I received a call from a mega-church in the area stating that they had x# of subway lunches for me to pick up and distribute. How awesome was that? One church helping another church feed dinner to multiple families! And then there was an early evening call I received from a local bakery. They had an over abundance of baked goods and they had heard about us being able to distribute food quickly. Again, our truck was loaded with breads and bagels and tortillas and donuts and cakes and cookies. My assistant and I drove to a barrio close-by. We parked our truck and honked our horn. It was such an overwhelming experience. Every item was gladly accepted and the children were singing. It still is a very special memory.

Why did I share this? Because No Matter What I will push myself to recover. There are other amazing opportunities for me to touch and bless and be a part of. I have wanted to be the Suz I once was but I am convinced that going backward is not the answer. I must work toward to the goal set before me. No Matter What I will accept what that day brings me and I will embrace it. Even if it is a day where I can’t do more than pray for another person that I know who was crushed by life’s troubles or call a friend who I haven’t seen or heard from in a while. On the ok days, I will put a leash on my Little One and walk over to our son’s house to see of our grandchildren want to walk with me to the park. Or I will call a friend and see if we can have a lunch together either at my house or downtown. No Matter What I am going to put one foot in front of the other and walk into the next moment with wonder and hope and delight in my heart. No Matter What I will cry when I need to and even scream if I need to and journal if I need to and do something that might stretch me because I need to get out of the crappy feelings I am in.

No Matter What I will love myself! This is who I am today. This is where I am today. I am fine with it. I did not choose it. My NOW chose me but I am responsible for the reality I live in NOW! It’s not easy. Its down-right frustrating and depressing and awful if I let NOW define me.

Guess What? I’m in a new NOW now! I am perpetually living in NOW. Choose to live in your NOW with me. I would like that! See you tomorrow morning for pumpkin latte,  chocolate chip scones and eggs scrambled with fresh veggies out of my garden.

No Matter What

Suz

Good Friday, August 31, 2018 22:19:55. I have been inside my chamber for about 30 minutes. Thanks to Ginger for reminding me of the benefits of peppermint!

I had a fairly good day. Minimal headaches. Slight dizziness. My left ear is improving. My cognition was a bit off but not too bad. I actually woke eager to tidy up our back patio. I did that successfully and took my shower and then sat down to a cup of coffee and FB all before 10am. I did a few extra things that really needed to get done. One load of wash in my brand new washer and dryer set. LOVE THEM! I brought my shoes in from the garage. I taped a box for return to Costco. And ate a tuna fish lunch. Then I took a two-hour nap. O what a nap it was. So nice and quiet. Little One laid on my lap as I reclined. It was simply lovely. About a half hour later our son was here to replace our kitchen sink. We had a nice visit. Then issues came up and it looks like he will have to cut the opening slightly bigger. So he will be back in the morning. Not a bad day for this lady!

I am engaged with the peppermint essential oil, oxygen, psi at 1.3, my chair very comfortable, my cool vest getting warm and the nice ice pack at my neck. Pretty good stuff and I feel more comfortable every day in this chamber. I am grateful for the roominess too. Its like I am in a personal teepee.

Today’s theme is Improvements because that is exactly what I am all about in this chapter of my life. Where are you in yours? Good question!

In two weeks it will be 2.5 years since my fall at work that really defined why I need specific improvements in my life. I am grateful for the advanced medical treatment that is available to us today. I am expecting that what I am doing now will be common practice in 5-10 years.  The standard concussion questionnaire will be significantly updated. More radiological diagnostics will be performed. And most importantly, a TBI patient will be managed biochemically. My brain is  the mainframe of who Suzanne is. I do not have separate lobes that function in one way. Each area works together with one another for my good….my best.

IMPROVEMENTS:

10 I am doing these daily dives to help the needed oxygen get to every cell and work its intended purpose of healing and restoration inside of me. Google defines Hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT) as a medical treatment which enhances the body’s natural healing process by inhalation of 100% oxygen in a total body chamber, where atmospheric pressure is increased and controlled.

2) I am using auxiliary oxygen from an oxygen concentrator outside of the chamber for given amounts of time while I am inside of my chamber as prescribed by my current treating doctor.

3) I am already realizing the benefits of HBOT with sleep. Prior to these past few weeks I have had a tough time sleeping. There were months where I slept maybe 30% of what I should have been doing. There were days when I slept better in the daytime. There were nights when I couldn’t even get 20 minutes rest. It has been really bad in the sleep category. Without the needed sleep my headaches were worse. My emotional and mental state was not good at all. I was sleep deprived. Today, I am averaging 10 hours of sleep per 24 hours. I am blessed. Even my two-hour nap this afternoon was a blessing!

3) I am energized after I get out of the chamber. I love the rush of pleasure I feel. I get very tired about 30 minutes later so that’s why we have chosen to do my dives just before bedtime.

4) I am pleasantly looking forward to the future. It doesn’t seem so bleak anymore because I am getting glimpses of improvement. I had a difficult day yesterday but look at me today. That’s life, isn’t it…some days are better than others.

5) I have been wanting to get back into praying and journaling what I am learning from my LORD. I have been eager to read my bible and do bible studies again. I miss reaching back into the original languages of the Old and New Testaments. I’m not there yet but I have a new excitement brewing inside. It will return. I downloaded an audio New Testament, Psalms, Proverbs and Song of Solomon and I love listening again to the Word of God. It is filling those voids that kept getting wider and deeper….but today there is hope.

6) I am realizing just how special D is. He has walked through this whole thing without complaining or abandoning me. And now I am getting back the desire to be more than the one he cares for in a therapeutic way. I really want to dream again with him and look forward to sharing our new home together and just having fun.

7) The fog is lifting. Yes, that oppressive cloud of dense fog is clearing. With that comes the realization the I am alive and well and eager to improve and keep improving. This is delightful! If I could do somersaults like I did as a child! In my mind’s eye I am!!

You see…improvements are small and they are medium size and they are big and full. I will have days like yesterday. AND I will have more days like today.

Thank you again Ginger!

IMPROVEMENTS!!

God bless you,

Suz

Thursday evening, August 30, 2018 @ 19:37:20 and I am sitting here watching the gauge rise. It is nearly time to put my oxygen in my nose. I am geared for another 90 minute dive. I didn’t take an antihistamine this evening. Left ear still struggling but this too shall pass. Today I am resting my head against my cool towel because my neck has been really sore today. I brought in some frankincense to also help me through.

I post a picture of me in the chamber on FB each day before I begin my blog. As you can tell, I do not look like the “dork” of yesterday! Our daughter pointed that out yesterday and I agree. With the towel around my head a looked like I was getting ready for a very hot day gardening!

“Its Been One Of Thos Days!” I woke to D leaving for work this morning. I realized immediately that it was not going to be a very productive day. Truly, it has been a terrible day with headaches and mental exhaustion. I walked over to our son’s house to drop off some food and stumbled with my thoughts. I was glad that our granddaughter brought me home. I found some material for her to play with on her new sewing machine. She sill be sewing her first project tomorrow or Monday. She has chosen to make a pillowcase for her bed as her first sewing project. That’s a really good idea.

On days like today I get down on myself. The old tapes run…you know the ones that are reminders of previous failures, disappointments, accidents, etc. I know when I am able to remove myself from those thoughts that much of the time they are triggered by physical pain. But when I am in the raw moment I can not easily think correctly.

Yesterday I copied a list of negative mind-sets we have on occasion. The person who posted it said that her therapist gave her the list so she could identify what is happening. I am going to share a few that have been partnering with me today.

PERSONALIZATION: Attributing personal responsibility for events which aren’t under a person’s control. “this is my fault” — This has been the primary mind-set I have had all day long. And it has been partnering with OVERGENERALIZATION: Making sweeping conclusions based on a single event. —-Yep! This is where I have been all day long. The single event was not waking to be with D before he went to work. Because of that, if he has a hypoglycemic moment it is because I was not up to provide him with a healthy breakfast and then he will get terrible headaches and will be unable to continue working all because I was lazy this morning. Then I moved right into MAGNIFICATION: “Making a mountain our of a mole hill” – blowing things out of proportion. — So I lived there all day long worrying about my husband’s health and on and on it went. Not one bit of it was a reality but I lived there all day long.

I know that I am stressed and overstimulated and exhausted just like most of my TBI friends but darn it, why can’t I see the light of day and relish in the realization that all is good with my soul, if even for a while? Why do I have to live in this cyclic place of confusion and fear and loss and dread? I am not hopeless or suicidal, it’s just a sadness that comes like a wave especially when my head is hurting so much. I have plenty of love and life in me. I wast to thrive and be all that God intends for me to be. I want to be a complete wife, mother, daughter, sister, grandmother, friend but each of you have to take what measure I can give you at any given moment. That’s what is hard. I used to enjoy multitasking and now I can’t even stay on track watching a movie or reading a few pages in a book.

It’s time to change the channel. Suz, look at the best in you……….

O the joy of gardening, of crocheting, of praying, of drinking tea with a friend! O the joy of watching our grandchildren play and dance and sing. O the joy of holding D’s hand and us dreaming together. O the joy of laughing again. O the joy of fishing. O the joy of seeing our daughter and her family again. O the joy of life! That’s where I need to be when I lay my head down tonight. Sleep well Suz. I love you.

Good Wednesday Evening, August 29, 2018 @ 20:46:10. It’s a perfect time to take today’s dive. I don’t want to sound like a broken record but it is true that I am getting used to this new routine. The pressure gauge is at 1.3 and the O2 is engaged. I am cool with the towel around my head and the cool vest on too. I am thinking about locating a circulating fan that I can put down at the floor to move more of the air around me. I took another antihistamine before I came in. My left ear is still sensitive but the descent was hardly noticeable. It’s interesting how the inflation of the chamber is actually a descent and the deflation of the chamber is an ascent especially when I live at an elevation of over 6000 ft above sea level! Trivial but interesting.

I mentioned a week ago that the song Blessed Assurance is the theme of this chapter of my life. The writer was blind and she wrote over 8000 hymns, multiple poems and two books. Another hymn that she wrote is To God Be The Glory. I, Suzanne, am assured that God Is and He Is My Story.

I am a bit congested. I need to remember to bring some kleenex in here. Maybe that’s what the hook on the wall of the chamber is for….stuff.

In a few days it will be Labor Day Weekend. I have a large number of seedlings that I hope to plant in containers to wait out the fall and winter temperatures. They should be very hardy to plant in the spring. D has purchased most of the items I need to create an elevated garden. We have eight truck tires that will be stacked to accommodate potatoes. We have multiple 12′ pots for some of the plants. We have three very large round planters that will have the strawberries, the lemon grass, the peppermint and spearmint and the basil and chives that I am preparing for next spring to continue to flourish. We also have two six-foot sheep troughs and eight cinder blocks and four ten foot poles to create the larger plots I will plant next years crops in. We are going to store everything inside of the large plot that was already here when we moved in. We will need to clear it of all weeds and aspen tree babies and lay some ground cover and then put something down so I can walk around it comfortably.

I have been in the chamber for about 40 minutes. The time goes by fairly quickly. It’s really good to have a full battery on my phone and on my computer when I come in here. What a great idea! I also decided to bring a cold glass of ice water in here. I love water and drink it all day. But last night I noticed that biting/chewing on the ice was good for the ascent with this sensitive ear. I am sure also that as I get more accustomed to daily dives that my ears will react positively as well.

D asked me today if my headaches were declining. I did my best to explain what I am experiencing. The constant intensity is not as evident but I continue to have a numb feeling across my forehead and temples with focal pain in my eyes and across the back of my head. Laying flat usually is when I get more painful headaches or when I am suddenly faced with really bright light or a suddenly loud sound. So, I suppose that I am noticing a difference but not really a decline in headache pain.

The dizziness is still not good. For the past few days my eyesight is bad whether I am wearing glasses or not. I did notice that putting my reading glasses on helps when I am working a crossword puzzle or reading my bible or a book. I also do not like the mental dullness I experience. Its pretty much all of the time now. Simple things are now more complex but yet in a different way from the first year following my fall at work when nothing made sense. Now, I deliberately look into whatever is not right and try to resolve it. I was vacuuming the living room today and had trouble trying to remove the dirt collected. It was puzzling to me. I did master it but I looked at what I was doing and shook my head at myself until I got it right.

Ten more minutes and this dive will be over. WOW! Pretty good! 12 dives @ 90 minutes each. 18 total hours already! Now, that’s an accomplishment I can cheer about! Good going Suz. Thank You LORD for providing the income, the space, and the incentive to do this very good thing for me.

Have I mentioned that in mid-October, I will be going to my Dr.’s clinic for further advanced treatments that will include stem cell, protein rich plasma, cranial manipulation, and hard shell hyperbaric? Yes, I will. Keep praying for me and believing that the very best that God has for me is right around the corner. I truly need the support of those who love me. The road I have chosen to journey is less traveled so it has its unknowns. I came face to face with the demon that has tried to take me down and I am advancing daily in the direction I believe that God has chosen for me. I won’t give in. I won’t give up. I will put my RAMBA gear on and kick that demon right in the belly. Your support and encouragement and constant intercession for me is what I need to stand and keep on standing against all odds. I need this. I need my God. I need D. I need our family. I need my friends. I need me too!

This Is My Story!

Suz

Good Tuesday, August 28, 2018 to you. It is 21:00:44 and I am inside my chamber for today’s dive. Yahoo!

I am on a roll after about 12 dives in. I think its 12..might be 11. I have set a schedule that works for me and D and our doggies too. Fezzi and Little always greet me when I exit. So, I will be doing my dives in the evening after dinner. It works out best with D’s work schedule too. I am already seven minutes into the dive. I have my cool vest on and my cool towel on my head. The cannulae is on and my personal fan is blowing at my chin. I am comfortable in my zero gravity chair. The psi is steady at 1.3 so we are good to go. I took a cold medicine before I came in here because my left ear is still pretty sensitive. I am swallowing and yawning and stretching. I have an ice-cold coffee between my legs so I can type freely. The drinking, actually gulping seems to help to regulate my ears also.

I have been noticing that my tiredness is increasing. I am experiencing blurred vision also. So basically I am not feeling energized yet. Eventually I will though! Right now, I feel that my body is adjusting to all of the changes I am making to my health. I am sore all night long as I sleep. D says that I moan a lot more than usual in my sleep. The room looks like it is gently waving or softly roller coastering every time I stand up or turn quickly when I am sitting down. I steady myself more when I walk. I am sure that if the neighbors watched me walking across the street to our son’s house they would wonder if I am a full-time drunk. Cognition is not great but ever since my fall at work that has been the case.

‘It’s My Choice’ is today’s theme. I have been asked quite a few times by well-meaning family and friends and even my primary physician if I knew what I was doing regarding this mHBOT chamber. YES folks! I do know what I am doing. I researched hyperbaric treatment for traumatic brain injury for well over one year. I read the best book available on its use for multiple medical needs. If you are interested please take the time to educate yourself with  “The Oxygen Revolution, Third Edition: Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy (HBOT): The Definitive Treatment of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) & Other Disorders by Paul G. Harch, M.D. and Virginia McCullough” I chose well. You see, I am going to live well too!

I am going to talk about how I met D. Its My Choice….Right!

Its Monday, August 27, 2018 21:31:45 exactly. How are you today? Hoping that you are well. I woke very early this morning. It was just before 5am. My headache was bothering me laying down. I know from experience that sitting up in my recliner helps me tolerate things better so off I journeyed to the living room. I did try to rest but it was not going to happen. I dressed early and had a light breakfast of cereal and coffee. By 9am I was ready for a nap. I took Little with me and we slept until nearly noon. Not too long later I received a call from our daughter Sarah. She is a full-time college student and loving it. Today was her first day observing four-year olds for her child development coursework. She loved it and gladly told me about the great time she had with the children. I am so proud of her!

All is going well inside the chamber. I put the cool vest in the garage refrigerator today to cool and it is actually really pleasant. My cool towel that I like to wrap around my head is frozen so I am leaning against it at my neck and I like that too. My cannulae is in place and I am deliberately breathing in and out like I should. My left ear is still pretty tender but I did not take any cold medicine before I went in. Adjustments are a part of life!

My title for today is “Measure Up” because I have been battling with an all too familiar performance demon that has chased me around most of my life. When I fell at work I immediately recognized the opinions of some co-workers about my recovery. I was told by my primary doctor that I could return to part-time work six weeks after my injury. I couldn’t hardly stand straight. I was put on a 20 hour work schedule and I was not doing well. Within two weeks I was taken off work completely. The job that I so enjoyed was no longer a possibility. Grocery demands employees to be on their feet at all times. I had difficulty standing without leaning on a counter. I couldn’t walk a straight line. It took me a long time to complete one task. I had forgotten all of the codes I needed to know. I had difficulty counting money. I was not ‘measuring up’ to anyone’s expectations. It’s very hard to be a customer today in my store because people just do not understand how a simple fall could cause such damage. I do not ‘measure up’ to their interpretation of what happened and how my body and mind was affected. Some of them even turn abruptly when they see me as if I am going to attack them. Laughs and sneers have been sad to see but I am not them and they are not me.

When I was a child I did not want to get in trouble for anything. I did not want to be spanked (that’s how discipline was back then) and I definitely did not want to have to report to the priest on Friday night that I had done something bad. Our family would go to church every Friday night and pray a special rosary and go to confession so we would be clean to receive communion on Sunday morning. I would fret about what I was going to say to the priest and it always went something like this, “Bless me father, for I have sinned…..I kicked Mike, I didn’t brush my teeth last night, I pretended to be asleep last Saturday, I forgot to feed my bunny…” That was the extent of my sins. I was determined to not ever disappoint my parents or teachers and definitely I never wanted God to frown down on me.  I went to parochial school from 1st grade through 12th grade. I liked my uniforms and the oxford saddle shoes I wore. I enjoyed walking to school and playing tether ball or kickball or dodgeball. Most of the girls at school liked dolls. Not me, Give me a bat or a nice basketball and I will take you on. Well, in eighth grade my teacher, a nun, told my parents that I would be a prostitute when I grew up because I liked playing with the boys. When my parents came home that afternoon, I got a spanking as my Daddy cried. I wrote in a prior piece that I was molested by my swim coach and so I had to ‘measure up’ to the label that was placed on me. I silently lived through terrible times at the pool and didn’t tell my parents because that’s who and what I was and now my Daddy and Mommy knew what a bad girl I was.

I didn’t do well in high school. My parents paid for my education but I was so messed up from the stuff I was secretly living through. Here’s another part of that whole mess…Years ago I saw a guy that I swam with and he was now a student at either UCLA or USC. He asked me out on a date for Saturday. It would be a late night as he had plans for a swell time. He picked me up in his convertible white Corvette. Before we had left my neighborhood he told me that he remembered my reputation with the swim coach and he was taking me to a sex party. I was so outraged. I demanded that he pull over and let me out. I walked back home in tears. My reputation? I didn’t understand because I had blocked much of the details of those years from my mind and now they were flooding back in to torment me again. I was not going to ‘measure up’ to what this guy expected of me. I was a child forced to do terrible things. I never heard from that guy again. Just recently I looked him up online and it seems as if he has chosen to live the dream. House on the beach, cars, boats, beer, girls, parties…..how shallow and terribly sad. I chose to fight my way out of the past and into the wonder and beautiful future God had planned for me.

I am doing very well today in the chamber. I have a slight headache in the right temple right now. My eyesight is not really clear…but then it is 10:30pm. I will be out of here in about 40 minutes. My left ear popped while I have been in here. It sounds kinda funny on my left side. My body still aches as if I have a lingering flu. I am enjoying less-intense headaches throughout the day for the most part but the tinnitus is still raging. My balance is not good. I look forward to that improvement. I got really emotional today. I wonder if its part of my recovery. A flat-effect is not good for mental health so I am happy with how I am doing. The oxygen is not causing any nasal issues. I am hoping that the ascent will go smoothly. I do like this cool vest it helps me stay cooler. I actually like the cool towel that is still frozen against my neck. Good stuff. Tonight has been very pleasant.

I also remember a boss, who expected me to harm my family by purchasing a product every month to meet a certain quota. It didn’t matter whether I needed that product or not. I had to ‘measure up’ to that bosses expectations of me. The day came when I finally listened to God. He told me that I had given that product more value in my life than Him. O my goodness…NO. I called my boss and said that I was done. I would never again hurt myself, my family and my relationship with God. Of course, I lost that position and today I am so glad that I made it through a dark valley again to find God graciously giving me a way out and back into the safe place I have found in Him.

I want to be a perfectly imperfect individual who has nothing to measure myself by except the Love of Jesus/Yeshua, my Lord. He receives me daily, no mater how imperfectly I did things. I surrender all of my hopes and desires to Him. He is the One Who defines me. I choose LIFE!

Always,

Suz

Good Sunday, August 26, 2018 to you. It is nearly 6pm here and I’m sitting in my chamber. I took last night off because of nasty ear pain yesterday. I think that I have been saying it wrong. It is my left ear. You know, the ear on the side of my body where my heart is! Also my wedding band is on my left hand.

I was told years ago that I am “perfectly imperfect.” That’s how I am going to look at things in my life more often. Today, I slept in until about 9:30. I was waking up every 1.5 hours to use the restroom, get a drink, and pray for my hurting ear. I looked up my symptoms and the use of hyperbaric. I learned a lot of things that I will begin implementing. Today, I tried a cold medicine. I took one that dissolves in water. I drank it down about 20 minutes before I got in here. I read that either decongestants or an antihistamine could be tried. Another help is gum chewing and that was not working for me last time I was in here. I have kept the gum to try again, just in case. If not, my grandchildren will enjoy the bubble gum themselves. I learned that the swallowing and yawning and pinching of the nose and blowing out gently are things to do. I continue to do them. It also says that the ascent is when the ears have more difficulty so we are going to deflate the chamber over a longer length of time today. All of these helps will benefit me and also others, as this is my hope. Oh, another thought that I had, was not to start the  extra oxygen until the chamber is up and running. So I did not put the cannulae in until the psi was 1.3. There might be an ear benefit in this too.

So the chamber is completely inflated. The valve is working properly letting out a little of the pressure to maintain the 1.3 psi. My right ear continues to pop when I need to assist it with a yawn.  My left ear still has trouble adjusting to the pressure. The swelling and tenderness from yesterday has lessened but it is still not responding the way that I hope it will. I will tenderly take care of my ears. I remember the terrible earaches and middle ear infections I would get on occasion when I was a competitive swimmer!

I am yawning a lot today. I know that it is because of my left ear pain and being tired but I think it also has to do with the stress I have taken on. This stress is a result of not knowing or understanding everything that goes on around me. I need to know my world. The knowledge includes my husband and children and grandchildren, the dogs, the weather, the condition of the house, all of the tasks I need to complete before my Mom arrives next Sunday, and certain events that are brewing that will impact our lives in different ways. I know that its life but when I am cognitively impaired it makes things more difficult. I react to things dramatically. When I don’t know every little detail I freak out. My family looks at me as if I have grown the biggest zit on my forehead right before their eyes. I just don’t understand. So I yawn.

It took me hours to complete a simple reservation I needed to make online. I stumbled and cried and dropped it and picked it up again and fussed and looked at lesser places that a cockroach wouldn’t like and then I would inch forward toward what I wanted and then back off out of fear and then pick it up again and move forward until the reservation was made. I yawned often with this one.

So, I am already fretting about dinner this evening. It won’t be ready until after 8 and probably closer to 9 by the time I get out of here. That’s a late dinner but I am hungry. D will make the fish we are eating. I will make the gluten-free ramen soup. I bought the mushrooms and onion and garlic for the soup on Friday. The rest of the ingredients we already had. I’m yawning not out of boredom. I’m yawning to minister to my ears!

D just told me that it is raining outside. I have a tiny window facing one of the windows and I can’t see the rain. The skies are cloudy but not dark. Looking out at the bright sky made me yawn really big!

Yawning pretty much indicates being tired or low in energy. I just remembered a funny thing from years ago. Before D and I began dating, one of D’s football friends asked him if he would set him up with me for a date. The guy was short and stocky.  I think that the guy played semi-pro football as a kicker. I was so interested in dating D that I agreed to a dinner at my apartment. That way I controlled the entire evening, and brother, it was very boring. I don’t remember too much about the most boring date ever..but I do remember yawning repeatedly at the table, while doing dishes hunched over the sink as he watched me, and then pretending that I fell asleep in an arm-chair watching something on tv. Thankfully the guy left quickly and quietly. If I am remembering correctly D called the guy “Stumpy!” I was bored and o yeah, so glad it was over. There’s another round of yawns.

I have only been here for 3/4 of an hour. Really? Was I yawning?

Let’s discuss this chamber now. We purchased a Grand Dive Vertical mHBOT. It is from Summit-To-Sea. The chamber and all of its components came in multiple boxes. There is a flash drive that is provided for set-up and care. We discovered it after we put it together. What a task it was without instructions. We imagined it as a puzzle with lots of big parts.  It is nearly tall enough for me to stand upright in. I am 5’7″ and it is wide enough for two small ottomans or someone to sit on the floor next to me while I sit in my very comfortable zero gravity chair. I can not lounge in the chair but nothing is touching the walls. It is very comfortable. I think that the smaller size would have worked out for me just as well. I am going to ask D if he wants to join me tomorrow in here. Its plenty roomy for the two of us. I will take pictures if we do get in together. The frame is internal. It is made of pvc piping. There are two rounds (larger at the bottom and smaller at top) that have three attached y’s for the three upright poles and they are labeled too. The pvc structure hold the weight of the chamber when it is deflated. There is a nice round rug at the bottom of the chamber that my chair sits on. There is a really sturdy round that fits inside of a separate zippered bottom of entire chamber that keeps the shape well. There’s even a hook in here to hold something. Maybe a backpack! I am glad that the chamber is white. It makes for a more comfortable dwelling place inside of my larger dwelling. How convenient is that!

My left ear has not popped yet but it is not troubling me yet. Remember that it is iI n the ascent that the ears have difficulties. So we will work on it in due time. I continue to try to release the pressure in my eustachian tube but only get a slight cracking sound like my ear is under water and wants out. O yes, I continue to yawn.

The cool vest is not cool enough. I need more ice. I will try the ice pack again with the cool vest. And I won’t forget the cool towel for my head. I really notice the stuffiness because I do not have the towel in here.

Big yawn! Right ear doing well.  Hey there left ear…cooperate and pop! I yawn again!

Fifteen more minutes. I just heard the thunder outside from inside this chamber. I failed to mention that this is a noisy place but soothing all together in one space-capsule like experience.

I can hardly get my mind around the fact that September is in a few days. Where has the year gone? In some ways this summer has seemingly lasted long but the neighborhood kids are back in school already. My garden vegetables are producing less. The night air is getting crisp. And my precious crabapple tree is so heavily laden with quarter to half-dollar size red skinned apples. I am not going to harvest them this year. I will pick four gallon bags of apples for the freezer. I use them in our dogs raw food I make for them. I have one gallon bag remaining for them in the freezer so the four will take me through this coming year. I made two dozen pint jars of crabapple butter last year but this year I am not motivated. We will see. I do have the jars so I might make a dozen.

Its time to begin my ascent. Let’s see how things go for me! I took the oxygen out of my nose. I am beginning to feel the effects in my right ear. It is properly adjusting. My left ear still feels like it is underwater. Fulness. No pain yet. And I yawn and yawn. I am putting my head back and opening my mouth and still the fulness remains. Its ok. I will find success. I won’t give up. I won’t give in. I will yawn my way to freedom. I must say that the slower ascend is working well. This is truly what we will need to do to better care for my ears. It is by trial that we learn! Much more pleasant. Nearly done. Yahoo!

God bless you.

Suz

Friday, August 24, 2018. Its 20:37:34 and we are at 1.3 psi here inside of my chamber. I speak grace to my right ear. I speak healing and wholeness to my right ear. I am perfectly designed to be a complete person and my God made me just like Him. My right ear is not happy. Not at all happy. I tried to chew gum, just like I said I would try, and it is already in the wrapper. My right ear won’t pop or regulate. My left is responding well. There is pain down I assume the eustachian tube and every effort brings a sound of fluid or bubbles deep inside my ear. I will work on it and hopefully the pain will go away.

Speaking “grace” to every situation, every moment, every person, to every problem, to every heart motive, to everything is what I will continue to do every day of my life. You see, grace is given freely by God and we are also extenders of His grace. It is my desire that my grace will look more like His every day. You are asking the same question I once asked….What is grace?

This computer says that grace as a noun is 1) Simple elegance or refinement of movement. I think of a dancer of course but I also remember when I would swim and how I made my movement in the water smooth and powerful. I was confident and convinced that I would win the race. I also played with water ballet but never took it too seriously. I was elegant and confident that my movements under and on top of the water were refined. On land I was only graceful if I was kicking a ball or playing tether ball or hitting a baseball or smacking a volleyball over the net. I took the time to evaluate each movement and found great joy in performing well.

Grace is defined again as a noun by 2) (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings. Okay. That’s what I found online but it is my experience that God’s grace is protective and powerful. He has rescued me from far too many times of great trouble. I consider each of them to be blessings but more than that, somehow and for some reason that has to be eternal, He has far exceeded my understanding and surpassed all barriers to care for me. I am amazed at His attention to even the littlest of details and extreme patience He has had with me when I was in quite a fix. Here’s an example: I was 18 years old. I was attending a local community college. There had been a terrible event months before that I had somehow survived. (By God’s grace.) One day I was driving my vehicle and was sitting at a stop light. There were a number of cars also waiting for the light to change. It was after 5pm. It was a warm day so I had the windows rolled down. In an instant there was a gun at my temple. It was a long barrel six-shooter. I recognized the gun and looked up at the person as he was getting ready to end my life. All of a sudden an assurance came over me. I knew that I was not going to die. But this was the moment that I knew would happen one day. Instead of fear and maybe a scream (I don’t know) I told the person that I had been looking for him. As a matter of fact I was on my way to his house. You see, he was going to kill me if I did not agree with his agenda. I told him that since he had already found me, I would turn around and head back home to grab the suitcase I had prepared and meet him at his favorite place where he used to do terrible damage to me. This guy had so messed with me for over two years that I was a wreck emotionally and spiritually. It involved disgusting sexual, physical and emotional abuse. It was a pattern of abuse that had lasted too long. What I said was a lie but the words were so convincing that he lowered the gun and returned to his car. That was God’s grace and I thanked Him all the way home as I cried totally freaking out. That terrible day was the beginning of my being stalked by the guy for over 20 years. It ended with his  premature death in 1990. God protected me time and again because of His Amazing Grace.

Grace is defined as a verb in 3) do honor or credit to (someone or something) by one’s presence. WOW. This is God in my life. This is my husband. This is our grown children. I have messed up so many times and my loving family have shown me in word and deed that I am loved. They actually love me! Grace! God sent me a person when I was 17 years old who wore God’s Grace. I was wanting to die. I was done with living. I had written a letter to my parents. I was going to end my life. I saw no other way. The person that God sent me was Father Charlie. Yes, a Catholic priest, who laid down his life for me. He saw my brokenness and brough God’s love to every fractured part of me. He did not hear my confession and give me five prayers to say and send me on my way. He walked out all of the ugly, foul, hurting, abused and neglected parts of me and helped God put me back together. He even punched out the guy from above just three days prior to the most terrible time of my life. (My first very bad TBI) I was not ashamed to tell Father Charlie of the awful things that I was enduring at the hands of that other person. He promised to help me speak with my parents and get the psychological help I needed to survive. That’s not how things happened immediately but over the next few years I received all of the love and support through a very kind Catholic priest. He helped form the person I am today. Father Charlie walked through nasty nasty stuff with me. Father Charlie also presided over D and my wedding. That’s GRACE. I am honored and I credit him for our success. Today I call him Charlie. I spoke with him five years ago and thanked him for his willingness to be God’s grace to my life. Thank you Charlie! I love you so much.

This is a very important part of my life story. I wrote about these events in today’s blog to  help me recover from the “terribles,” those difficult times that I have gone through. Each of them define in many ways why I am here today in this chamber. Transparency is necessary to defeat the demons that are assigned to destroy us. I am not going to give in. I am not going to give up. I am going to win. There is a race set before each of us. And it is our race…my race…your race. Let’s be those who are cheering one another on and extending the grace to one another that we need. We need one another. We need the encouragement. We need the “I Love You” and the “I Am Here For You” and the “You Are A Very Special Person To Me” and every GRACE-FILLED encouragement we can give to one another. Stop for a moment and think of one person you can bless today, right now with a kind word or deed. It’s never too late. It’s never too late to be GOD GRACERS!

My parents were married for nearly 64 years at my Daddy’s passing five years ago. Today is their Anniversary. I had flowers sent to Momma today. I called her twice. I thanked her for loving Daddy. I said that I love her. I kissed her. I showed her the love that Daddy asked me to give her after he was gone. I promised to send her a gift every Christmas, every Anniversary and every Birthday. What an honor it is to extend the GRACE of my Daddy’s Love to my Mother, my Mommy, my Momma, my Mom!

Its nearing time to end this dive. My right ear seems to have relaxed but has not popped yet. The body aches and headaches were less today but the dizziness is still increased. I like it in here. The 90 minutes goes by quickly. I could take a nap in here. The ice pack at my chest is really good. It keeps me cool and less anxious because of the stuffiness. This is going to be very good. It is good!

God’s Grace and Love to you always,

Suz

Happy Thursday, August 23, 2018 to you. Its 2100 hours here in NW Colorado.

Yesterday’s dive left me in a lot of body pain, headaches and dizziness. I fitfully slept and finally left the bedroom at just before 5am. I brought the dogs with me hoping that they would leave D alone so he could sleep a bit longer. At about 5:20am the electricity went out and remained out for hours. It only flickered once but didn’t last. I had the windows open and heard most of the neighbors opening their garages manually. A few commented to one another but it really didn’t seem much of anything so I started my day. I was able to heat up day-old coffee and cook eggs, refried beans and leftover steak for D and prepare a mixture of fresh sliced bananas and strawberries for both of us to enjoy together before he left for work. I was back asleep by 8:30 and woke at 11. The electricity turned on some time in the 10 o’clock hour. Another morning in the day of…

This dive finds me experimenting with ways to make it more pleasantly cool in the chamber. I wrapped my cool towel around my head and put a bag of ice on my chest. I have it secured by the personal fan that is blowing at my chin. My ears are hurting today. The repeated pressure is new for my ears. I wonder how flight crews get used to it. I had little motivation today so most of my day was spent cleaning up my email box and enjoying a nice conversation on the phone. I also watched a movie on Netflix. I did some trimming of Little One’s hair on her legs too. O, and I washed some dishes and cooked dinner.

The continued flu-like symptoms and the cognitive fog along with headaches and dizziness are draining. I accept this and look forward to times when I can put my head back and snooze while inside the mHBOT. I have also realized that drinking enough fluids is necessary to feel better while recovering.

I spoke on five symptoms that I live with that follow the TBI. I want to talk today about the symptoms that I live with related to the second diagnosis I have been given.

PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a real part of who I am especially since my fall at work.

1) Re-experiencing sensations/flashbacks are a major thing that I deal with daily. I wake suddenly to fighting my way out of a falling sensation. I do not have much stress related to the moment when I began to fall. I was just trying to brace myself from hitting the floor. But then my forehead hit with terrible force. The resounding of my forehead hitting the stack of arm baskets never goes away. Do you know who Gallagher was back in the 1980-1990’s? He was a comedian who would hit watermelons and other items with his sledge-o-matic and get the audience wet and full of all sorts of things. Well, my head rehearses that resounded and crushing sound over and over again every day. Can you imagine a compressed brick of potato chips being hit by a huge sledge-hammer? That’s what I live with every day. It is especially bad when I am alone and the headache is so bad. The flashbacks are of a co-worker who said something very hurtful to me as my boss was assisting me and they are of the physical pain I felt that day and live with today as well. It’s not just a simple bump on the forehead. Its not just a trip and fall. It’s hauntingly real.

2) An elevated startle response has altered every moment of my days. I need quiet and dark. I need little to no activity or movement. So when a child screams in our neighbor’s yard or my precious Little One barks or D is watching anything on tv where there are multiple noises or movements I freak out. Last summer our son and his family lived with us. I spent most of my time in our bedroom because I wanted them to enjoy their lives but I needed quiet. Garrett calls our bedroom The Bat Cave and he is right. When I enter our bedroom today I want the peace and quiet it provides me. Last Halloween our neighbor across the street had a recording that was triggered by movement. It was a mad dog barking. I locked myself in the house with all of the windows drawn. I put earplugs in and noise reducing headphones on to stop the terrible barking outside. I sit at the very back of church with my earplugs in and I sometimes go outside because there are certain sounds that send me. I can not handle a bright light or a window blind open. I jump and twist and turn to avoid what it does to me. D has to keep his cell phone off for the most part. I can hear the pings in the middle of the night from far away and I jump, startle, freak out, lose sleep, and then the fear becomes a giant monster of confusion.

3) Avoidance was defined by The Bat Cave but I have become isolated and withdrawn. I do not want to have to fight for myself so I avoid phone calls, knocks on the door and speaking with neighbors. I also avoid paying bills (but I found a way out of that place. I pay them or set up a payment as soon as I receive the bill), avoid making decisions, avoid intimacy with D, and avoid caring for myself like I should, as I deserve. I’m being honest here and it’s not feeling too good.

4) Hypervigilance has invaded every aspect of my life. If I do not understand everything I lose it. If you say something that I can’t figure out I act out and the stubborn rebellious me begins to rage. I do not like this part of me at all.

5) Nightmares have been troublesome for too many years. Ever since my years of being molested I have had very graphic dreams and nightmares. I wake from most of them not knowing if what I just dreamed was real or not. I still fret over some of them that have been recurrent for decades. I have learned to talk with D about them. He helps me through many of them but there are those that I am too ashamed to talk about. I violently throw off the blankets on our bed when I am inside of the nightmares. I am not observing them…I’m in them. And then when I do not sleep well for days, the nightmares take on more reality probably because I am sleep deprived. These hauntings have increased over the past few months too.

My, how the time in here has gone by so quickly. D is deflating the chamber already. The towel around my head helped keep me cooler. The bag of ice with the personal fan holding it against my chest was a great idea. I will think of more things to do to make my journey more accommodating. My ears are popping more tonight. I haven’t tried chewing gum. I have to remember to get some at the store. Wearing little clothing helps a lot too while I am in here. I find that the tank tops keep me cooler. I am happy with the additional oxygen that my Dr has me on. I take deep breaths in and blow out. I am glad that I chose to use a cannulae instead of a mask. It gives me more freedom.

God bless each of you. I will be back tomorrow.

Hugs always,

Suz