Good Wednesday Evening, August 22, 2018! How was your day? I lazed around until 4pm. It was lovely. No cares. No expectations. No drama. It has been a very good day!

I am sitting in my chair, relaxing in my chamber. Oxygen is working. Pressure gauge is right where it needs to be. All is good!

Last evening I was hit with nausea and indigestion within a 1/2 hour from exiting the chamber. My body began to ache and my head started hurting pretty bad. The dizziness was apparent as I was listing mainly to the right when I walked. Yesterday I spoke of some of the symptoms I live with and headaches was discussed. I failed to tell you about the stabbing headache pain I feel often. It is midline at my forehead and hairline. It feels like a nail or a knife stab (I’ve never felt a stabbing, but this is what I imagine it to feel). I went to bed fearing a night of sleepless but I did fall asleep and stay asleep until mid-morning today. I did have nightmares of alligators trying to eat our dogs and that I was the only person to save our dogs, and I did.

I chose the title ‘We have only begun’ because this journey is only in its first week. I suppose it is like a new job or just about anything new that a person has to become familiar with. I am still trying to figure out how to get comfortable with the stuffiness I experience. I have a cool towel that I put on and within a few minutes it seems to lose its freshness and become one with the chamber’s atmosphere. I’m not complaining but I will continue to look further into cool relief. I no longer have a thyroid and parathyroids. They were surgically removed in 2011 or 2012. So I do not have the internal temperature regulator that you possess.

What have you recently just begun? A new diet? A new exercise program? A new class or new students? How about a new career? Or a new promotion at work? We are all in motion, aren’t we?

D and I recently purchased this house. What a stressor! We made it through with the help of our excellent team of loan officers and document assistants. Our real estate agent even pitched in to help us ready the house for inspection. We had our friends from San Diego drive here to help us paint and do the most immediate repairs to the house. They gave of their time and talent to make this home feel more like home. Thank you Lorraine and Bill.

Tonight’s dive is tiring me. I feel a bit worn out and I am only half way through the dive. Its ok…..We have only just begun…haven’t we?

My Mom called this afternoon with news that a family friend had passed away last week. He died five years after my Daddy passed. It was so sad for me to hear. I understand that with life, death must occur. God bless you, Marilyn and family, as you grieve the loss of George. I love each of you very much. I believe in heaven. I choose to believe that Daddy met George and showed him around. They were both able to bow to the ground together when Jesus walked by! I see it so clearly in my heart!

D just told me that thunderstorms are brewing. I love the cool air and the sweet smell of rain. It is so good that rain has come to our parched land. The fires this summer have been tough and I sure hope that the rain has helped water our land and bring the needed water to our rivers, streams, and reservoirs.

I wrote a few days ago about the early years of my life. I spoke of the difficult early years we had as a growing family. My Mom and Dad moved us from Illinois to California because of my little brother Christopher’s health, my health and Daddy’s too. We left the house that our parent built for us. We left grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and playmates behind. We left all of the wonderful memories all the way back there. Often during that very long drive to California I would look behind us and wonder if we would ever remember how to get back to what was familiar. We arrived in California to no job, no home, no city to call ours, no family in close proximity, no immediate or future plans, nothing but the dream that the warmer climate would be best for the three of us. I have no idea how we ended up in Fullerton, CA at a tiny motel next to a small airport. I was eight years old and felt all of the fears anyone would feel in a strange new place. Our grandparents, Grandma and Grandpa Komes, drove our family’s second car with us so we at least were with a few familiar faces. Michael and Joseph enjoyed the adventure. They had planes right at their back fence.

We finally ended up in a home that we rented. It was in a neighborhood not far from where we bought the house that Mom and Christopher still live in today. I did not like the house we were renting. I did not like the girls who lived next door. And I did not like the boys that lived down the street. One day the girls next door pinned me down and one of the boys got on top of me and kissed me. I was so hurt and mad. I later learned that both of those boys fought over me and one of them bit a chunk of flesh from the other boy’s shoulder. YUCK! It was troublesome for me in my third grade class because those two boys were in my classroom. School was hard to adjust to. I had been taught phonics in Illinois and California taught the see-and-say way. I truly felt as if I had been dropped off on another planet. And then…..the Hilgen family moved to their permanent residence…away from those annoying girls and further away from the two boys. I still remember the boys names, Charles D. and Jeffrey T.

We had only just begun at 1107–our new address when Gregory was born. My sweet little brother was a joy to my heart. I played with him and cared for him. He slept with me and I woke at night to care for him. Mom had a very difficult pregnancy with Gregory. She lost Gregory’s twin and the doctor has to deliver Gregory before he wanted to come out into the world! He had such a smile that captivated my heart. Mommy needed me to help her because she was alone and had Chris to care for and now baby Gregory was with us. Our first California Hilgen baby. One Sunday morning Gregory was sitting in an infant seat (back then they were so flimbsy) on the kitchen table. He was fussing. Joseph was told to watch him. Little Joe did what he was told but he did not try to stop Greg from falling off of the table. I walked into the kitchen as found baby Gregory falling from the table and lunged to catch him before he hit the floor. In the process of catching him I caught my lower lip on the edge of the table and split it wide open. I was crying and carrying him into my parent’s bedroom with blood all over his bunting. I thought that somehow I had caused him to bleed. It took a while for my parents to assure me that baby Gregory was fine and that I needed to go the hospital for stitches. Two years later Terrence was born. He had a way of looking right into a person’s soul. He would turn his head and the whole world around him would follow his gaze. He was quiet and observant. He was compliant and gentle. And then, one early morning, I would wake up to an event that I will never forget. Into my bedroom came Daddy telling me, “Suzi, you have another brother. Thomas is his name.” I was thirteen years old when Tommy was born. I was in eighth grade. What an armful! And what a character!

Three brothers born in Illinois and three brothers born in California. God chose these six boys to help frame my life. I am grateful. I am blessed. I am amazed at what each one of them has brought to my character, my very nature. God’s plans are far above anything that we could even imagine.

My dive is nearly complete. I am melting. Its very humid in here. I am humbled and elated and very grateful D just started deflating the chamber. I’m still breathing in the oxygen. It is turned on before I get in and it is the last to be turned off when I get out. The decompression seems to be going well. The gauge is slowly going down. There is still pleanty of room in here. I have mastered climbing in and out of the chamber with no complications. I am blessed to know that this is how God had always intended to get me to a place of rest and restoration and recovery and rejuvenation and renewal and revitalization. Yes, it is a life of many new adventures and challenges and hopes and dreams fulfilled. I believe dear LORD….help my unbelief.

Love to each of you,

Suz

Good Tuesday, August 21, 2018 to you. I have great news to report! I slept 12 hours. The second day in a row of extended, uninterrupted sleep. Yes, I went to bed with the flu-like symptoms of an upset stomach, headaches and body aches but I slept comfortably (for me) — except for the severe dizziness I would feel when I turned or got up to use the restroom.

Have you ever been diagnosed with Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV)? It is so unpleasant. It is described as the sudden sensation that you’re spinning out of control. Like a top in hyper motion that is somehow now in your brain. I have a video of how my eyes responded to BPPV soon after my brain injury in March, 2016. I spent a few days being treated by my physical therapist as she manipulated my head and my body rolled along at her command. I threw up, i belched hundreds of times, my eyes gyrated up and down as if on a yo-yo string and the walls of the room melted. Waves of horizontal movement occured and vertical melting from top to bottom also happened. I was miserable until the symptoms ceased. Well guess what? I’m beginning to feel those things again. I don’t know why but they are intensifying since beginning these dives. There are techniques to try at home and if they don’t help me, I will call my physical therapist and ask her for an appointment.

I am in the chamber at 1.3 psi. Its interesting how the chamber has built-in valves that let a little air out it the pressure gets toward the upper part of the blue line. Again, I am baffled by technology. I have the cannula in my nostrils. I have the cool towel around my neck. I have the battery operated fan blowing at my chin. I’m comfortable. This zero-gravity chair is so comfortable. I brought in my glass of iced coffee without a lid! I don’t want to experience that mistake again! The coffee is to sip at my Dr’s request. He said that one of my medications can be intensified with the increased pressure so he wants me to raise my heartrate slightly with the caffeinated coffee. I brought my cell phone in like I do every day but I won’t necessarily use it. I took a picture at the beginning to document the dives with pictures too.

I saw that there are hyperbaric chambers used for cosmetic purposes in the Los Angeles/Hollywood areas. That could be an added bonus for me! YAHOO…I need all the help I can get.

Today, I want to focus on the symptoms I live with since my fall at work where I hit my head on a stack of plastic arm shopping baskets. You know the ones you pick up as you enter the grocery store because you are only picking up a few items!  hehehe

TBI (traumatic brain injury) causes many symptoms. I’m going to focus on those that I struggle with currently.

1)Struggling to stay focused or on-track with you if we are talking. I used to be able to multi-task and now, just getting one task done or staying with you as you are speaking to me is very hard. I loose a thought so easily. I get lost in trying to figure out what your last sentence really means and you are saying something else that I have no idea about. Its not you. Its me. Processing a simple word like “pencil” takes me a while because I have to think in the word itself and then I have to find a reason for you to be talking about it. By that time you are talking about something else I have never heard of. I give you those stares as if I am saying, “Who are you? What did you do with that pencil?” Or I am trying to explain something to you and in the middle of the sentence I fumble and hesitate and bore you in the waiting. Another example is baking. I loved to bake before my injury. I still do but now I have to find the exact recipe I liked. Then I have to lay out each ingredient in the order that they are written in that recipe. Then I have to go over the list four or five times adjusting every item on the counter. Then I begin the instructions and if I get lost in one of the listed tasks I panic or walk away and forget that I was baking something. This is a terrible struggle I have. I choose to continue talking with you. I choose to find the word I couldn’t come up with. I choose to bake my favorite recipes…it will just take time. I have to find patience with myself. And I hope that you find patience with me too.

2) Vision problems. I could write until midnight tonight about all of the vision issues I deal with. Prior to the fall at work I only wore reading glasses occasionally.  Now I must wear these prism glasses when I am awake. Prisms bring the visual world into clarity. I do not have depth perception and everything blurs or doubles without these glasses on. I also perceive the world around me as dull and lifeless without my prisms on. I do not like glasses. I do not like pushing them up the bridge of my nose. I do not like seeing the edges of the frame. I do not like how dirty they get. I do not like carrying a glasses case and worrying about loosing my glasses when I take them off to take a shower or go to sleep. I would rather not have to live with them at all. I must. I have to. I have no choice. In the early morning my eyes are blurred from sleeping so I run into walls and furniture. I put my glasses on to survive. How sad is that? You do not look real to me without my glasses on. I can not walk across the street to our son’s house without them on because the world is not natural and slopes straight down ahead of me and to either side. If I am at church and I am watching Garrett preach, he begins to grow a wider leg. That is something you would not want to see as this thin guy gets blurry and thick and even if I blink its still distorted. Reading is impossible. Looking at the words jump around and change position is terrible. I read just fine for a while on the computer screen as long as the light is very low. Forget movement on the tv or while I am a passenger in a vehicle! Its miserable. The oncoming vehicles frighten me on a two lane road or highway. Driving through Steamboat is terrible. D has to drive in the left lane because passing parked cars and other vehicles to our left driving faster then us messes with my brain. I can’t lay back while driving because my body then is seeing all of the terrible movements and overwhelming me. Give me a shot of something strong….o yeah, alcohol would make me feel worse.

3) Headaches. O my goodness! Someone has to invent some kind of hammock that is suspended from the ceiling that I could place my head in so that it is secure and rests comfortably without any sway or movement from side to side unless I want it so…that’s while I sleep. My head hurts in every place that I lay it while I try to sleep. During the daytime I have a constant numb headache across my forehead. I have vice-gripping headaches at my temples. Sometimes they are so painful that I ask D if I can use his on the workbench outside to validate how bad it hurts. Don’t worry, I haven’t tried it. Then there are the headaches that are caused by light and sound. Our house is dark for the most part. Sounds are limited. Outside noises send my head into an abyss. I literally find myself imagining going deep, really deep into a dark place to avoid a phone ringing, or a knock on the door, or my little dog barking, or the neighbor dogs barking or a car horn blowing or a lawnmower being used. I use earplugs that are designed for people to use at concerts or on stage while playing loud instruments because all of these noises cause migraine-like headaches. Then there are the terrible headaches I live with 24/7 across the back of my head. They are caused by anxiety and tension and unresolved neck problems following the whiplash I experienced when my forehead hit with my neck hyperextended and the coup-contrecoup injury to my brain. I am drug intolerant. Simple sleeping pills send me into deep depression. I won’t do any opiates. I use tylenol and ibuprofen occasionally but I am concerned with the cummulative effect of taking them over long periods of time. When I am ready to throw in the towel because of the head pain I take a flexeril (prescribed muscle relaxant). Most often I just live with the pain and  D always knows when its terrible. Its written in my face and eyes and my countenance is not so good.

4) Sleeplessness. What a terrible part of this journey. I need rest. Everyone needs to sleep to rejuvenate and revitalize themselves. Over the past 29 months, overall I have only slept 1/4 to 1/3 of the time I should have slept. Hours of remaining awake takes quite a toll on my mental, emotional, physical, relational and spiritual health. It has been refreshing these past two days to sleep so well. I sure hope that I will be able to restore what has been lost because of the sleeplessness. Its very lonely and depressing to be awake when the rest of the household is sleeping. At times it is nice to be quiet and safe but not for the most part. I miss out on time spent with D and the grandkids. I loose out on normal and natural life events. I miss out on church and walks to the park. I miss out on enjoying breakfast with D because I am too numb from being awake and not really being completely available to my family. This is not the way to be.

5) Dizziness. I have heard it called vestibular issues. Issues for sure. I am dizzy. I fall into walls. I hold onto the rail and the wall as I go downstairs. I step sideways all of the time. I look like a full-time drunk as I walk from our house to G’s house just three down and across the street. I am dizzy while sitting still. I am dizzy turning in bed. I am dizzy turning my head to talk to you. I am dizzy at standing. I describe it as if I am on a wakeboard or a timber in the middle of a raging sea. Often I list to the right more than to the left. The bruises on my right arm prove that one! The dizziness is even more noticable if I try to look beyond what I see to either side of me. You know what I mean, just past your temples. I look up or put my head back and o my goodness, I am seasick. I feel like I am falling even when the whole world is still. I do have tinnitus since the fall. I have two aweful off-key orchestras that compete 24/7 and when they take short breaks I feel as if they have turned up the volume on their speakers and I am sitting inside of an electrical grid. Try those sounds for five minutes. You’d scream. I know that the dizziness and tinnitus are related but I do not know how or why they torment me so much.

I have only shared a few of the difficulties I live with daily. I have expressed these things for two reasons. One for the personal therapeutics and two because I strongly believe that these symptoms will begin to be resolved in my journey to recovery. I am intent on accomplishing everything that God created me to do in my lifetime. I am eager to receive and give the love I have for D, our daughter and her family, our son and his family, my Mom and my extended family, my friends and those I have yet to meet. This journey is special and God-given. I do not want to miss anything more. I want to flourish and thrive and live life to the full and then more.

It’s time. I have been in the chamber for 90 minutes. The time goes quickly. I have to find some source of cool air. Its not claustrophobic in here. Its terribly stuffy. I will do my research. The decompression has begun. I need to take care of these ears. My right one is throbbing. I can pop the left but not the right. I might have to see if our grandkids have chewing gum I can try tomorrow.

I bless you and I thank you for taking this journey with me today.

Suz

Happy Monday, August 20, 2018. It is 12:38:24 here is beautiful Northwestern Colorado.

I am sitting in my chamber and all systems are running properly. I finally have my oxygen cannula in and I am breathing as I am instructed by my Dr. The air is a bit warm. I forgot my cool towel this dive.

Early Saturday evening I got hit full-on-board with flu symptoms. My body began aching in church. I was glad that we were in the back. By the end of service I could hardly walk. My joints ached, my throat and ears ached. Even my lips and eyelids hurt. I went to bed and slept 12 hours. I have read that this is sometimes a symptom in the early days of treatment in a mHBOT chamber. I woke yesterday still not feeling well in the flu category. I moped around all day and we just couldn’t get me in the spirit to do anything but nap off and on and go to bed. I never got in my chamber! Truth will be told here!

This morning I woke angry and irritable. I got to be alone for a few hours to just process all of the feelings that were right on the surface. I was angry that we were unable get the oxygen into the chamber. I was angry with a situation in my social life that is so frustrating to me. I was angry with myself that I didn’t push through yesterday and at least spend an hour in the chamber. (It is becoming a safe place for me!) I was irritated with the barking dogs on both sides of our house. I was irritated with my inability to be who I want to be and hope to be. I cried a bit but preferred to stomp my feet and swing at the air while standing in one place (so I didn’t lose my balace and fall).

Solomon Grundy is a poem that I learned in childhood. Anyone remember the Grolier’s Books of Knowledge? How about the Childcraft Books? I devoured them as a child. I would spend hours reading them over and over again. That’s how I got introduced to Solomon. I was amazed that he had very important events occur in his life that were listed in each of the seven days of the week. I thought that he had lived a full life until that Sunday that he was buried.

If only life were that simple! Life is complicated and messy and exhilarating and adventurous and uplifting and full-of-fun. Truly, to live is a gift not to squander or take lightly. Life has meaning and purpose. I remember learning about all of the stages of human development and the milestones to expect or witness in an infant, a child, an adolescent, an adult. Each requiring achievements that are expect along the way to  the age that I am at today. That of “O My Goodness…How Could It Be” elder years?

I am 67 years old and I still can’t understand how those years slipped away so quickly. Many of them were down very slippery slopes. Some of those years were taken on rugged and bumpy roads. And still others were met with dangerous and life-threatening events and challenges. Why is it so hard for me to see those years that were full of play and adventure and excitement and great joy? Oh I had good times and good memories that I will share, but for the most part it has been tough.

A few days ago, I spoke of the tough beginning that I had at eighteen days old. To continue, I remember the early years of my brothers being born and growing up in Illinois. Daddy worked hard as a milkman and at Grandpa’s store to meet the needs of his growing family. Mom did all she could to keep up with a bunch of children and care for our house while still taking on jobs when she needed to help make ends meet. My Mom speaks of Michael (Born twelve months and two weeks after me. The Dr had told Mom that I most likely would not live and Mom was quickly pregnant. I enjoyed being close in age to my brother!) having Scarlet Fever as a baby. Daddy was sick at home for a long time (as I remember) with Polio. Joseph was born perfect and he was such a sweet little boy. Then came Christopher! He was  born premature, brain damaged and at death’s door for so many of his days. How did Mommy make it through all of those tough times? How has she survived the Hilgen terribles? (In the future, I will speak further of Gregory and Terrence and Thomas — our California brothers)

By my sixth year, Michael and I had our tonsils and adenoids removed. Mom and Dad got a two-for-one deal with the doctor. I developed rheumatic fever post-surgery. I was placed in an isolated hospital room. I was alone and afraid and I hurt so bad. I cried because every inch of my body hurt. My skin hurt to be touched and especially touch the sheets on the bed. I spent that year isolated from my classmates and my neighborhood playmates. Mom went to school for me. She sat in the classroom writing everything out to teach me because the school could not let her take my books home….the books could have caught what I had and brought it back to school and………o my! I had to have shots regularly to help my lungs (I guess) and those shots hurt so bad that the doctor would rotate arms throughout that long regime. I was told that I had developed a heart murmur and would not be able to play outside very much, or be a carefree child who would climb trees or run races. I was adventurous so I chose to read other children’s adventures to fill my mind and heart with the wonder of childhood.

That is how Solomon and I met. I still remember the page his poem was written on.

Time has come for me to say. “Ta Ta For Now!” I was able to successfully take my four doses of oxygen and the short breaks from the oxygen. I began coughing in the last cycle just before the chamber began deflation. I did notice more intense ear pain as the chamber was shrinking! I was not able to equalize my ears by pinching my nose and blowing, by yawning or by moving my jaw so I pushed on the outside of my ears and blew very gently. That helped. Funny thing happened…my coffee exploded up and out until I was able to close the top sufficiently. It was so funny. After I cleaned the coffee from the top and sides of the chamber with Thieves Oil and a soft rag, I stood to my panties soaked, my tank top dripping, and my glasses so wet that I had to hand them off to D. I smell of Christmas blend — my favorite so it wasn’t all that bad.

Monday! A very good day!

Good Saturday, August 18, 2018 to you. I’m back in the chamber. It filled quickly and it was smooth sailing to get to 1.3 psi. My left ear is aching a bit. I decided to put a tank top on because of the warmth of the chamber. It works. We can not get extra oxygen into the chamber yet for some reason. We will have to work on that issue Monday. We watched the few videos about it online last night and we seem to be doing everything that they recommend. Technology!

I chose today’s theme “Its A Wonder-Filled Life” so I could talk about my most recent brain injury in more depth. I was working the Customer Service Desk/Closing Manager position at one of our local grocery stores when the injury occurred. I loved my job. I enjoyed serving my customers, especially the most grumpy ones. My co-workers were great. I even found some measure of good in every frustrating event of each day. THEN I FELL. It hapened so quickly and just as quickly I was in pain and had visible wounds.

Now that I look back on that day I realize that in a moment, in less than a minute, in the course of a person’s life everything can dramatically change. Wondering if only this or that would have happened or thinking what if I had done this or that and saying repeatedly “Why now?” does not alter the significant event or manage its outcome.

The fall happened and today just 29 months and five days later I am sitting in the early morning hours inside of a mHBOT chamber desperately hoping for a much better outcome. Though it took a very long time (as measured in days spent with no progress toward wellness) I have chosen to close out each day and look forward to the next day and what it has in store for me to live through and smile through and cry through. It’s life and I choose to live it well!

My diagnosis of traumatic brain injury (TBI) is based on medical observation, evaluation, treatment and diagnostic tests. The MRI at seven months out showed softening of brain matter and scar tissue in my frontal and temporal lobes. The QEEG showed slower than the acceptable low hz brain waves and elevated hz brain wave activity in my sleep waves (validating my cognitive and motor skills and visual deficits and everything else in my world that changed so drastically that day). The SPECT Scan indicates that every area of my brain  desperately needs to be revitalized. Each radiologist reported the diagnostic findings without knowing my history.

I am 30 minutes in already and I am doing well. The left ear is not troubling me. The pressure has equalized. I am sipping iced black coffee too. The fan that I have blowing at my chin is refreshing. The psi is steady at 1.3. Even though it is not quiet in here, I think that I could close my eyes and go to sleep. I have noticed that about 20 minutes following the end of my dives I sneeze and need to blow my nose. Last night I felt overly spent but it ended up being a day where I didn’t get the down time that I seem to need each day.

Now, why would I consider my life “wonder-filled?” Because it is! That’s why. I can choose to wallow in the pain and confusion and dizziness and isolation and fear or I can rise even inches above it and see the wonder and experience the awesomeness of the slightest of events I experience in one day. Take this morning…I woke to D awake too early and already starting his day because he was not able to sleep well throughout the night. I could have grumbled or snapped at him. I chose to welcome the day and the hug he gave me. My alarm on my cell phone woke me fully at 6am. I began getting ready to do this dive before D would become anxious because he has to be at work this morning and guess what I smiled at? It was lightly raining outside. I opened the windows wider and took in that wonderful smell of fresh rain. AND today I will enjoy the new washer and dryer that was delivered yesterday! I am going to wash and dry our bedding! It is going to bring me such pleasure tonight when I roll into bed. Finally we will have nice clean clothes and bedding! Yahooey!!!

I have learned many good things in life. Being grateful and happy is such a joy. I begin my days thanking God for the honor it is to be alive and looking forward to another new day. Even in those times of hurt and pain and doubt and fear I choose to see His hand guiding me even when it is blurry.

WOW! This dive was fine. The chamber is deflating and I am yawning. I thank God for the finances that provide me with the help I so need. I thank each of you for joining me today.

I struggle. I cry. I pout. I stomp my feet. I even get anxious and overwhelmed. Life is hard and rough and pain-filled. There are those days when I want to throw in the towel. There are days when I review all of the terribles I have lived through. There are those moments when I hate myself and this life I was given to live out. There are too many nightmares and limitations I experience but I must thrive. Somehow I must find my footing and stand or get out of bed. There are days when the mental cloudiness is so thick that I can’t imagine any way out. But I persevere. I must. I have to. I will live.

Live Well my friends. Live Well.

I’m yawningly waking to a new day! A Very Happy Birthday to my daughter-in-law Sarah Nicole Prechtl. God blessed my life 20 years ago when He chose you to enrich my life with your beauty and your precious spirit. What a joy it is to love you so much!

How has your Friday, August 17, 2018 begun for you? Currently it is 6:39:32 here in the mHBOT chamber. The psi is steady at 1.3 but the external oxygen is not coming through the cannula like it should. After this dive D and I will work on getting it up and running for tomorrow.

We discovered that the zippers needed to be lubricated and thats why we were having trouble securing a sealed chamber on Wednesday. Now that D took care of these zippers, the chamber quickly responded as it was designed to do. I have discovered also that the cooling of the hoses is not enough for a pleasant experience and I remembered late last night that when I worked on hot days, I would wear a fan that directed cool air at my neck and chin. I found it and it works well. These 90 minutes will be very comfortable.

My Dr’s office manager, Tanya, is scheduling me for an intensive three days of clinical therapies in October and I am looking forward to everything progressing as I had hoped for. D and I will drive to Basalt, CO and spend three nights in a local hotel. Dr Hughes has quite a series of treatments lined up for me. YAHOO! I have waited and waited and waited. I can soon say, “This is it!”

Have you ever wanted something so badly that the waiting was extremely taxing and all of your hopes seemed to be deferred for too long? Me too! I’m reminded of a song that is resounding right now in my heart. It is speaking so sweetly to what I am feeling right now. WOW, I just I realized that it is my theme song. I will be addressing it throughout my journey here:

Blessed Assurance, Lyrics by Fanny Jane Crosby, (1820-1915), Music by Phoebe Palmer Knapp (1839-1908)

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine;
Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending, bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blest;
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

(The chamber is pleasantly maintaining the 1.3 psi. I have not noticed any uncomfortableness and my ears are just fine. I need to yawn now and then and that is it. Nothing uncomfortable. This is going to be a very easy and pleasant experience.)

Let’s return to my theme song. “Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine.”

In Hebrew “Bless” means to kneel, to bless. It is used over 300 times in the Old Testament. The Hebrew language is rich in its full meaning of words and expressions. I have enjoyed studying the Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek meanings of scriptures since 1990. When you look at God’s beautiful design of the Hebrew language a beautiful picture is drawn. To be blessed means that a person does something or gives something of value to another person. Its a give and receive word. So I derive from this beginning verse that God (Elohiym) gives me a gift and I in turn acknowledge that He has given it to me.

In Hebrew “Assurance” is best translated as security, confidence, safety. What richness!

When I was an infant, at 18 days old, my Mom woke to find me near death’s door. There was an infection in the hospital’s nursery that killed six of the seven babies born that day. I was the one who was still hanging on to life. My precious young and inexperienced Mom wrapped me up and taxied me to the doctor and then to the hospital. Mom prayed for me and held me close to her heart. She cried tears that fell on my cheeks. My spirit was still very much connected to hers. I knew her love. I also knew her faith. I LIVED!

The baby book that Mom kept is something that I cherish today. Mom wrote that one of my first words spoken was Jesus. Of course it was! “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”

I have known the precious gift God gave me in His Son, Jesus, through the love and prayers of a Mom who in her confidence, in her safe relationship with Him, in her rich belief that Jesus is the gift of God’s love to her life and the lives of each of her seven children lives today in me! Jesus is the comfort and peace and hope that God Himself blesses us with every day of our lives.

Thank you Mom for your love and your prayers and your godly example every day. I love you so much. I live. I live well!

D and I were able to speak with my Dr and receive very specific instructions on each of the dives I will be taking beginning a few minutes from now. I am anticipating really positive results.

Let me give you an insider’s look at the Radiologist’s findings that D and I and my Dr discussed this morning: “This is an abnormal brain SPECT study that also demonstrates focal areas of abnormal cortical hypoperfusion in the frontal, temporal, parietal, occipital, and cerebellar lobes as previously described. The nature, location, and pattern of these abnormalities is primarily consistent with the scientific literature pertaining to traumatic brain injury (TBI) and the patient’s clinical history.”

Tomorrow morning D and I will be consulting by phone with my new doctor who specializes in advanced treatment for traumatic brain injury (TBI). We purchased a vertical hyperbaric chamber to use daily here at home as he prescribed. My doctor will also discuss the radiological findings of the two diagnostics I had at Cerescan in Littleton, CO.

Medically diagnosed as TBI and PTSD.                                                                                        TBI — Traumatic Brain Injury is a nondegenerative, noncongenital insult to the brain from an external mechanical force, possibly leading to permanent or temporary impairment of cognitive, physical, and psychosocial functions, with an associated diminished or altered state of consciousness. PTSD — Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.

What a journey it has been! I’ve heard all of the usual platitudes related to my ongoing mental, emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual reality.

These are the comments I hear often…”You look fine to me.” “I’m sure things will get better.” “It could be worse.” “How could something that took 3 seconds do so much damage?” “It must be nice not having to go to work.” “Just push through it.” “It will get better…just be patient.” “Have you tried _____?” “It’s all in your head.” “You’re just too stressed.” “You are not praying enough.” “Its all in your mind.” “I’m sure that things will get better.” “You need to think positively.”  “There are others who are have it worse than you.” “It can’t be that bad.” “You need to be strong.”

I ask myself every day, “Suz, where are the “I’m here for you.” and the “How can I help?” and especially the “I believe you.” ”

Something has to TURN. I will survive. I hope to thrive. I am intent on believing for wellness and kindness, and future success. I look forward to expressed love and genuine prayers.

I look forward to my daily blogs. It is my hope that they will help others. My journey is not alone. I have D right here with me, cheering me every moment, every day, every year. I have my Mom praying daily for me and often calling to check in on me. I have our grown children and our grandchildren who have never shook their heads at me or made fun of my situation. I have dear friends who have chosen to take my hand and just spend time with me in person, by text or visiting with me on the phone.

I am grateful. I am hopeful. I am glad……..and I am sad and fearful too. Its a journey one would never choose. It was a moment in my life where everything was changed and my life was flipped upside down. I won’t give in.

Can it be? Will it be? THE TURNING.

Its been too long since I last posted here. My journey has been slow but I do see a flicker of hope on the horizon. (I am remembering a dream I had years ago. I was in a very dark place. Once my eyes adjusted to the darkness I realized that I was in a long underground tunnel. There was a tiny light ahead of me and I was determined to reach it.)

Beginning in July, 2018 I will be documenting my recovery process beginning with my first Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatment (HBOT) chamber entry. I will also be reflective and outspoken about the issues of life that have formed and transformed me.

Today, I am 26.5 months post Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). In the first year following my injury, I was active with the standard medical model treatments. Much of what I did had little resolve of the large number of symptoms I suffered. At the conclusion of the treatments that my work comp would allow, each of my providers could only offer me the standard and unacceptable , “You will have to learn to live with these limitations the rest of your life.”

What? Not me! I have fought each demon I faced in my life and I have triumphed. They came after me in my mother’s womb, then again at only a few weeks old. I suffered too many illnesses in my youth. I was sexually abused by my swim coach for years beginning at age 12. This led to other traumatic sexual, emotional and physical events and accidents that continued to threaten my life. NO MORE! I’m fighting my way out of this pit.

Today,  I am free to locate and receive the advanced neurological, medical, and emotional assistance I so desperately need. Medicare allots an amount for a certain number of years to address the few medical treatments I previously received. I will most likely use it for eye care and dental care.

The expense will be enormous and I/we can only trust in our LORD to get us through the financial responsibilities I must make in order to get better and live out my years with success. There is no way that I will resolve to live the rest of my life with the disabling headaches, sleeplessness, instability, poor eye sight, severe biological and emotional symptoms I experience from movement ie vehicle rides or going up and down stairs, inability to express myself well and the emotional rollercoaster I ride daily.

MRI findings reveal that I have softening and scarring of my mid and left frontal lobe and left temporal lobe. A specialized EEG shows that every area of my brain was traumatized by my fall at work, my brain hz waves are below the acceptable margins which indicates that all of my symptoms are consistent with these results. I also have exaggerated hz sleep waves which explains why I have such difficulty getting to sleep and staying asleep. I do not want to imagine or even think about the continued damage/disabilities I will live with if I do not aggressively manage my future.

I have arranged my initial treatment with Dr. John Hughes @ http://www.tbitherapy.com in Basalt, CO. His office is 150 miles from our home. I will begin my treatment with a certain number of daily dives (20-80) in the HBOT chamber that we will purchase for home use. Then I will travel to his office for advanced treatments during week-long visits through the next few years. I am looking forward to the future.

Further assistance will be in Chicago, Illinois, Provo, Utah and in the Twin Cities, Minnesota.

Thank you for your kind prayers for me and D and for all of your most welcome words of love. I recently received this message from a dear friend and it still is soothing to my soul. “I love you, Suzanne. Hugs.”

Yes it is nighttime and I should be asleep, I am wide awake. It has been my story for over a year. The light snores from D and Fezzi (and Aspen and Bishop too) are attractive. I am tending to this nasty headache and tinnitus that I woke with at 6am yesterday. I could lie down and try to tune it all out but I know that I would disturb D’s sleep if I laid down with this discomfort, tossing and turning and moaning like all those days before.

My story: On Sunday, March 13, 2016 I took a fall at work and recovery has been slow, very slow. I want to recover the “me” that I once was. Not that I am scarred or physically disabled. I look like me but I do not act or talk or walk or think like the “me” that I once was. I am receiving excellent care from my primary care physician, psychologist, my eye doctor and dentist and my physical therapists but the going is rough for me. You know the saying, “One step forward and two steps back?” I’m living proof that it is more than a saying!

Most of all, my relationships have changed. D has been outstanding in all of his care for me but I have little to offer him. I have lost the “me” who engaged in conversation and experiences. Now, the most that we do together is initiated by the hesitant him or the chariot driving I need assistance with to get me to and from appointments. I want “me” back for “us.” Our 44th Anniversary is next week. I want to celebrate again with my beloved.

Driving any distance over a few miles sends me entirely into weirdness for days. These sleepless nights cause me to lose a day of relationship with D and anyone else.

Movies or theaters are difficult because of the noise and movement. I hardly go to church any more either. I rely on texting family and friends because conversations are exhausting. My house is dark because bright light saps my energy.

I have tried to paint a picture for you to better understand what happened to Suzanne and why she is still in disrepair. TBI and all of the associated wounds suffered a year ago still define where I am at BUT not who I want to be. I will be happy and whole and able. I will. You’ll see!

Now is not tomorrow.

Today is not next week.

I am advancing. I am prospering. I am alive. I love. I feel goodness. I am filled with grace. I am filled with kindness. I am filled with peace. I hope that all the dreams I have will be be fulfilled.

I thank our LORD every day for each advance even if it is small.

This is why my blog is all about LIVING WELL. Choose the same along with me. Let’s journey together.

I thank you too for hanging out with me today,

Suzanne

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