Good Wednesday, January 20, 2021 to you. It is 11:50am here in Denver, Colorado. Admission to Presbyterian St Luke Hospital is in three hours. Surgery begins in five hours. NPO since midnight….and I am hungry and thirsty!

When I wrote last, I said that I would focus on Psalm 116 beginning today. Below, I will write it in a prayer over myself. Please feel free to pray it for yourself by exchanging my name with yours! It’s my gift to you!

What a day this is! 1) the day of my surgery to stop the continued CSF leak 2) the day that will define the future for America and the population of the entire world 3) the first of of a ten day event from 1/20/21 to 1/29/21 called a Palindrome Event. It amazes me that life truly is numeric. 4) today is the day before our daughter, Sarah’s 43rd birthday 5) today is two days before our son, Garrett’s 40th birthday And 6) our youngest granddaughter will be having diagnostic procedures this week also. Please pray for her. Thank you. I would say that it is a very busy week.

The End And The Beginning!

Dennis and I look with anticipation to new beginnings following this surgery. We are hopeful that the leak will stop. This will be “The End” of years of symptoms related to the moderate TBI I suffered nearly five years ago and also of all of the years prior with a runny nose that I thought was allergy related. Yes, since my nose plant in 2007, and maybe even earlier. My doctor showed us CAT scan pictures of two large facial fractures that never sutured. The diagnostics I had earlier last month revealed that the leak was coming from the left sinus. This is where the surgery will take place and more repair is needed as my body compensated for the leak with other issues related to my nose. I have a deviated septum that will be corrected and the right nostril has built up extra mucosa to compensate for the leak on the left side. What does that say about how marvelously we are created? WOW!

Following the surgery, we will be resting here in a very comfortable Airbnb for a week and then seeing my doctor and nurse practitioner for follow-up. I have prepared for the week with light foods that I will most likely prefer. We brought a wedge pillow for me to be elevated while resting. I will note all of the symptoms I have post-op and the changes I hope to realize regarding all of the troubles I have endured since the moderate TBI. We understand by way of my doctor explaining things to us that the leak prohibits the proper flow of CSF and thus, the enhanced symptoms I am experiencing. The threat of meningitis and/or encephalitis is always an issue when a person has a CSF leak. As I mentioned in a blog post earlier, my CSF has too much protein in it. That can also indicate why I have not enjoyed a fairly normal life for quite a while. So, we look with hope toward our future!

Dennis will be in prayer while I am in my surgeon’s very capable hands. I will be sleeping! This is an Ending and a Beginning day! I bless you with love, hope, peace and joy today dear ones.

Hugs,

Suzanne

Psalm 116 The Passion Translation

Suzanne Is Saved! 

1 I, Suzanne, am passionately in love with Adonai, my God, because He listens to me. He hears my prayers and answers them.

2 As long as I, Suzanne, live I’ll keep praying to Him, for He stoops down to listen to my heart’s cry.

3 Death has stared me in the face many times, and I, Suzanne, came close to slipping into its dark shadows. I was terrified and overcome with sorrow.

4 I, Suzanne, cried out to the Lord, “Adonai, my God, come and save me!”

5 Adonai was so kind, so gracious to me. Because of His passion toward me, He made everything right and He restored me.

6 So I, Suzanne, have learned from my experience that Adonai, my God, protects the childlike and humble ones. For I was broken and brought low, but He answered me and came to my rescue!

7 Now I can say to myself (and to all who listen), “Suzanne, Relax and rest, be confident and serene, for Adonai, the Lord, rewards fully those who simply trust in Him.”

8 Adonai, my God, has rescued my soul from death’s fear and dried my eyes of many tears. He’s kept my feet firmly on His path

9 and strengthened me so that I may please Him and live my life before Him in Adonai’s life-giving light.

10–11 Even when it seems I’m surrounded by many liars, and my own fears, and though I’m hurting in my suffering and trauma, I, Suzanne, still stay faithful to God and speak words of faith.

12 So now, what can I ever give back to Adonai, my God, to repay Him for the blessings He’s poured out on me?

13 I, Suzanne, will lift up His cup of salvation and praise Adonai extravagantly for all that He’s done for me.

14 I. Suzanne, will fulfill the promise I made to God in the presence of His gathered people.

15 When one of God’s holy lovers dies, it is costly to the Lord, touching His heart.

16 Adonai, because I, Suzanne, am your loving servant, You have broken open my life and freed me from my chains.

17 Now I’ll worship you passionately and bring to You my sacrifice of praise, drenched with thanksgiving!

18 I, Suzanne, will keep my promise to you, Adonai, my God, in the presence of Your gathered people, just like I said I would.

19 I will worship You here in Your living presence, in the temple in Jerusalem. I will worship and sing Hallelujah, for I praise You, Lord!

Good Monday evening, January 11, 2021. Hoping that you are managing life’s very difficult moments. I am viewing each day with surprise, disappointment, and most of all concern for the future. These are very trying times.

D and I tackled thorough carpet vacuuming and cleaning of the top floor today. It was truly a workout. We will continue with the lower level later on this week.

While I was cleaning the vacuum cleaner out, I removed a large ball of dog hairs, carpet fibers and long threads. They were wedged into every area of the brush. It was truly a tangled and smelly mess.

I asked God what HE might want to tell me. I immediately picked up the mess and understood exactly what HE was saying.

DIRTY MESS!

*TPT Genesis 2:7 Yahweh-God scooped up a lump of soil, sculpted a man, and blew into his nostrils the breath of life. The man came alive-a living soul.

Yahweh-God is telling man that he will live his life with the consequences of his choice to sin and not repent here: *TPT Genesis 3:19 “You will painfully toil and sweat to produce food to eat, until your body-taken from the ground-returns to the ground. For you are from dust and to dust you will return.”

The dirt ball I was holding held so much truth. I thought about all of the events in my life that defines who I am today. The dirt of life forms many mindsets. Those mindsets form perceptions and reactions that become habits. These either break our backs or strengthen us. I often ask God, “Why must there be dirt of life?”

The New Testament refers to this dirt as “flesh.” Please follow me, as I refer to a few verses in Romans 8.

*TPT Romans 8:5 Those who are motivated by the flesh only pursue what benefits themselves… Romans 8:6 For the mind-set of the flesh is death… and Romans 8:7, 8 In fact, the mind-set focused on the flesh fights God’s plan and refuses to submit to his direction, because it cannot!   For no matter how hard they try, God finds no pleasure with those who are controlled by the flesh.

Keeping these scriptures in mind, realize that in just a few minutes I visited them as God was showing me the true battle that we each fight every day. I still needed to thoroughly clean the carpet cleaner. There were so many animal hairs to clean out of the machine. I needed to reach inside and do a deep cleaning to rid the machine from the dirt. The black water needed to be flushed. It was too filthy and full of pebbles and sand. I found a 1/2 inch of sludge at the very bottom that I had to rinse out a few times before the container was clean.

God again spoke to my spirit. He explained that every day I am faced with real life issues where either I address them in “the flesh” or with the “Spirit of God living in me.” I choose throughout each day to either rage or rejoice; judge or forgive; fail or advance in joy. I choose to either live in the dirt of life or in the freedom I know in Jesus Christ. Life is a wondrous mystery!

Let me now share with you the complete verses that I referred to above. I am italicizing the parts I left out.

*TPT Romans 8:5 Those who are motivated by the flesh only pursue what benefits themselves. But those who live by the impulses of the Holy Spirit are motivated to pursue spiritual realities.

*TPT Romans 8:6 For the mind-set of the flesh is death, but the mind-set controlled by the Spirit finds life and peace.

And *TPT Romans 8:9 But when the Spirit of Christ empowers your life,  you are not dominated by the flesh but by the Spirit. And if you are not joined to the Spirit of the Anointed One, you are not of him.

I am not saying that I do everything right … always. No, not at all. My life is full of dirt. But God has given me the pleasure of relying on Jesus Christ’s best gift, His Holy Spirit. Reliance on Him sure removes the burden of living life at my whims and carelessness.

DIRTY MESS!

Life is just that, but I have a Divine Helper. I couldn’t do this life without HIM.

TPT Ephesians 2:10 We have become his poetry, a re-created people that will fulfill the destiny he has given each of us, for we are joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. Even before we were born, God planned in advance our destiny and the good works we would do to fulfill it!

Hugs always,

Suz

*TPT The Passion Translation

Good Tuesday morning, January 5, 2021 to you. I have been awake for a few hours enjoying our snow falling here in NW Colorado. We have about 4 inches of new snow accumulation. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Two weeks from tomorrow, I will be in a Denver hospital undergoing the surgical repair of my CSF leak. It is quite an extensive procedure as there are multiple repairs that will be done. Your prayers and kind thoughts will be appreciated.

What a journey! What an often difficult and painful life it has been. How much more can I handle? How long has the facial fracture and subsequent tear in the dura been happening?

An internet definition of a CSF leak: A CSF leak is a serious health issue. It involves this type of fluid escaping through a tear in the dura mater. The symptoms of a CSF leak include fluid drainage from the ears or nose and a headache that worsens when the head is upright.

For decades, I have thought that my dripping nose was indicative of sinus allergies. For decades, I have taken up to 10 antihistamine/nasal decongestive medications daily to manage sinus headaches and a constant nasal drip. Could it possibly be that the first serious head injury (over 50 years ago) began this serious condition? Yes. It certainly could be so. Any or all of the numerous injuries could have been the culprit.

A few months ago, my doctor took a look at the CT disc that I brought to the initial consult. He pointed out two unhealed facial fractures; one in my left sinus and the other, just over my left eye. The CT confirmed that a hospitalization was necessary to identify the location of a CSF leak and also look at the condition of my CSF. Multiple treatments were scheduled. I first had a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) to draw CSF for laboratory evaluation. Then I was injected with a radioactive substance for three consecutive days of nuclear CT studies. I also had pledgets (three gauze pads secured inside of each nostril) shoved up as high as possible into my nose and a large pad taped to my face to keep them from falling out. It was painful but necessary to endure for over 48 hours.

The pledgets confirmed the location of my CSF leak. My doctor ordered a sinus CT to assist him in preparing for his surgical procedures. The CT clearly outlined the fracture site. It also identified the extent of septum deviation and a buildup of mucosa in both nostrils. All will be addressed in the upcoming surgery. We also discussed the findings of the CSF lab work. I have a high amount of protein in my CSF. The internet states: Increased protein level may be a sign of a tumor, bleeding, nerve inflammation, or injury. (I have to…DUH!)

This is where I am today. Waiting for the surgery. Hoping for the successful healing of the leak and the elimination of excess protein in my CSF. AND…the promise of a new chapter lit by God’s Love.

LEAD ME BACK!

I am amazed at these last two verses of Psalm 139. God is speaking directly to me. Thank you LORD.

Psalm 139: ²³ God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart.
Examine me through and through;
find out everything that may be hidden within me.
Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares.
²⁴ See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on,
and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways—
the path that brings me back to you.

I often personalize scripture in prayer. I am happy to type my prayer. I invite you to look as through a window, into my heart as you read my prayer with me.

“Dear Adonai, this morning and every moment of my life, I invite you to look inside of me. My heart is Yours. My very breath is Yours. I desire Your every examination and Your every scan. Every time that You scrutinize and inspect my heart, I pray that You locate all that is deeply hidden and disguised inside of me. Yes, dear LORD, put me to the test. Show me my strengths and weaknesses. Reveal the truths and the lies that I believe. Prove me in the fire of Your Love. Reveal to me ‘Christ in me the Hope of Glory.’ Root out the falsehoods that have taken residence inside of me. Free me from the self-imposed misgivings and hopelessness framed by all of the evil things that framed me. Help me realize Your compassion and sovereignty. Your Goodness follows me all of the days of my life. Thank You for being so conscientious, so faithful in examining me so carefully and bringing revelation to me by Your Holy Spirit. Thank You for Your wonderful care for every one of my anxious thoughts, words, and actions.

Dear Heavenly Father, You have brought me to Psalm 23. You are my Good Shepherd. You have shown me the way I am to go in future blogs in Psalm 116. And most of all, Your goodness led me to the Psalm we have been reading over the past few weeks. This very special Psalm 139. And so I conclude my prayer with the last verse.

I pray that You attend to the real matters at hand; the pain that still remains so evident inside of me. I look inside right now and I see a gigantic snowball filled with debris. The past is completely influencing my present. I confess that I can not remain in this place of uncertainly. I am lost, confused, hurt, and abandoned. My heart in one moment is full of thanksgiving and in the next moment it is full of fearful dread. Seriously, I pray, I want off of this un-merrygoround. Dear Lord, help me pull the plug on this cycle of pain. Help me recover Your true intent for my life. Help me to see the salvation that is available to me. Help me to forgive myself primarily. You know how many times I have forgiven those who harmed me. I continue to do so because I truly want them to repent and come to know the depth of Your Love. Romans 8:35 says ‘Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?’ I choose to hold Your hand right now. You guide me and I ask Your counsel often. But do I truly listen and obey? Forgive me LORD. Forgive my lack of faith.

Yes, I see exactly where You are leading me today. I am listening to my Savior, Jesus our Christ as He spoke to the doubters who eventually put Him to death. This is my prayer, Dear and Loving Father, I choose the one and only path that leads to all truth. I “Love my LORD and my God with every passion of my heart, with all the energy of my being, and with every thought that is within me.’ And I ‘must love those You created in the same way that I love myself.’ I pray this in Yeshua’s most holy name. Amen.”

Thank you for sharing today with me.

Hugs always,

Suzanne

¹⁹ O God, come and slay these bloodthirsty, murderous men!
For I cry out, “Depart from me, you wicked ones!”
²⁰ See how they blaspheme your sacred name
and lift up themselves against you, but all in vain!
²¹ Lord, can’t you see how I despise those who despise you?
For I grieve when I see them rise up against you.
²² I have nothing but complete hatred and disgust for them.
Your enemies shall be my enemies!

December 30, 2020; 13:53 MT

Since my last post, I have been in the deepest place of hurt and pain that I have ever experienced at any one time. The verses above truly reflect what I have been dealing with deep inside of me. I truly believe that God is present right here, right now, in this very moment to guide me into His safe keeping.

I have been reviewing the years of loss and it is so overwhelming. All of the “why’s” and “how could you’s” and “no…stop hurting me” have been haunting me. They have been leading me into and through the painful events, post events and future hurts that in such unspeakable ways led me through my entire life…to this point.

I am at a crossroads. I am at the end of myself. I’m hoping for HIS presence to guide me into every promise HE has spoken to my spirit, soul and body. HE truly will encompass me with HIS LOVE! I believe…Help me LORD…heal my umbelief.

LORD, I GRIEVE!

Hugs always,

Suz

Psalm 139: ^17–18 Every single moment you are thinking of me!
How precious and wonderful to consider
that you cherish me constantly in your every thought!
O God, your desires toward me are more
than the grains of sand on every shore!
When I awake each morning, you’re still with me.

Now that we are back home and on schedule, I am able to unwind from last week’s experiences. Today, my faith is being rekindled. It is the very foundation of my life. Our God, Adonai, Lord Of All is my primary source of strength. HIS very breath is what I breathe.

“Every single moment you are thinking of me!” What a blessed assurance! Considering all of the horror of my youth, the difficult years of being stalked, and the multiple medical issues I have suffered through my years, I remain comforted by this truth…I have not been alone, abandoned or forgotten by my God!

YOU CHERISH ME CONSTANTLY!

Over 40 years ago, I was pregnant with our Sarah…but western medicine said that I was not. My Ob-Gyn said that my body was experiencing a hormonal pregnancy and that I had not conceived our first-born. One month later, a second Ob-Gyn agreed with what the first doctor had said. He convinced D that his treatment plan to give me an injection to start my period was in my best interest. I screamed and cried as I was getting the injection for Jesus to save our baby from being spontaneously aborted.

D and I attended a service at Shekinah Glory in downtown Long Beach, CA. During the service the pastor walked to the center front and pointed at me. He spoke prophetically, “You are pregnant. And your baby has the spirit of Elijah and David.” Thank You LORD! You spoke directly to my aching heart. I was not imagining the impossible. I was a “Mom” to a very special baby growing in my womb.

D and I went to a third doctor who specialized in home birth. The doctor trusted me. He was not concerned that my pee test was negative. He examined my belly and then listened with his fetoscope. A few moments later, the doctor handed the fetoscope to D and asked D if he wanted to hear our baby’s heartbeat. What a miracle! Our baby had a healthy heartbeat. Our baby was thriving!

Sarah was born 4.5 months later! Yes! She had been in my womb just as I had known. She was born healthy and beautiful. She looked like a little china doll. Every day of Sarah’s childhood (and Garrett’s) are recorded in my heart as the best days of my life! Motherhood is quite a blessing from God.

This God-fearing doctor attended to the live births of Sarah and Garrett and also helped me through the tragic death of our middle child in his seventh month of gestation.

YOU CHERISH ME CONSTANTLY!

I had a vaginal hysterectomy in the early 1990’s. The surgeon (who no longer is licensed) harmed me severely. I needed a bladder repair and a thorough cleaning of my pelvic area. There was infection everywhere. One third of my bladder had died. The surgery was hours long. Following surgery, the recovery nurses had trouble waking me and elevating my body temperature. Hours later, my Mom was called in to get me to wake up. Once I did wake, my intestines took one week to wake from their slumber. I left the hospital wearing a leg bag and was trained in changing it and in using a different urine bag for nighttime use. I was humiliated and downcast. I had to wear the bags for six months while my repaired bladder recovered. I have a scar that begins above my belly button and ends really low. A friend of mine called me daily with words of encouragement. D did everything he could to show me his love and the love of my Heavenly Father. D’s love and prayers helped me get through the shame and humiliation of that terrible time. God never left me. HE sat with me. HE held me when I cried. HE comforted me when I had no more strength to think well of myself. HE showered me with love from our daughter and son. I am loved! I am blessed!

Today, I am remembering these and other painful times in my life. I have reviewed the multiple times that my brain has been injured. I am considering the future as well. How am I going to wait it out until surgery and not get sick? How am I going to enjoy Christmas and New Years? How am I going to handle the aftermath of the surgery?

In HIM. With HIM. And through HIM. That’s how. I am assured of that truth! “…When I awake each morning, you’re still with me.”

God bless you today dear ones.

Hugs always,

Suzanne

Psalm 139: ¹³ You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside
and my intricate outside,
and wove them all together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex!
Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking.
It simply amazes me to think about it!
How thoroughly you know me, Lord!
¹⁵ You even formed every bone in my body
when you created me in the secret place,
carefully, skillfully shaping me from nothing to something.
¹⁶ You saw who you created me to be before I became me!
Before I’d ever seen the light of day,
the number of days you planned for me
were already recorded in your book.

D and I returned home late last night from Denver. Our trip home was a tiring 6 hour drive due to road work on I 70 at Idaho Springs (gold was discovered here in 1859).

The alarm woke us at 6am. We were dressed, coffee’d, packed and checked out of the hotel by 8am. My appointment was scheduled for 9:10. We sat outside the Dr office for a half hour before we were met by my angel (NR, I love your sweet kindness) and her amazingly strong and compassionate husband. They had an appointment just before mine.

We were called into the exam room and waited not too long before my Dr. came in wearing an amazing Christmas outfit. He was dressed in the most festive Christmas suit, tie, mask and red Christmas ornament socks! He’s the most genuine Dr. I have ever met. Dr. Hepworth began by telling us how sad it is for him to be a presenter at a conference and basically laughed down by his so-called peers, at the procedures to help people like me.

I have a CSF leak. I need a surgical repair just as soon as it can be booked at the hospital. I may have to wait until February. I will know when the surgery is scheduled in a week or so. The entire repair was outlined by Dr. Hepworth and then explained further by his nurse. His nurse made an appointment for me to have another CT scan; this time of the sinuses only, at noon before we left Denver for home. Dr. Hepworth needs to prepare for my specific fracture repair. He will also repair the deviated septum and correct the right side where a thickening of mucosa occurred to compensate for the CSF leakage on the left side.

Here is a short video that is available online from Dr. Hepworth. This piece was created at the hospital that I was treated.

BEFORE I BECAME ME!

…the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book.” This line in Psalm 139 has always been in my thoughts. All of the troubles, hurts, scars, and goodness are all known by God and HE is not unaware of the struggles and the joys I have lived….all of my life!

Dr. Hepworth also confirmed that the elevated protein in my CSF indicates a priority in getting the fracture repaired. Elevated protein in CSF but not in the blood is an indicator of Multiple Sclerosis or other conditions. Dr. Hepworth also said that once the surgery is successfully performed that the progression of MS is abated. There are other conditions that can also be considered with elevated protein in CSF but this seems to be consistent with the symptoms I am experiencing, coupled with the symptoms I experience with a history of multiple TBI’s.

God knew what I would be experiencing today and what is in my future. HE also sent HIS angels to watch over me. HE Is Always With You and Me!

Thank you for sharing this adventure with me. I will continue writing tomorrow.

God bless us everyone!

Hugs always,

Suzanne

Psalm 139: ⁷ Where could I go from your Spirit?
Where could I run and hide from your face?
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you’re there!
If I go down to the realm of the dead, you’re there too!
⁹ If I fly with wings into the shining dawn, you’re there!
If I fly into the radiant sunset, you’re there waiting!  Wherever I go, your hand will guide me;
your strength will empower me.

I was finally discharged from the hospital at 3pm today. What a difficult time the past two and a half days has been!

Diagnostics for very specific conditions are tedious and impressive. I am very pleased with the excellent care I received. Two RN’s were assigned to me every day and one RN in the night hours. The food service personnel were great. I truly enjoyed the kind transport staff who kindly cared for me. I received eight silk long stemmed pink roses from our housekeeper. She was so sweet, caring for me like she did. What a wonderful unexpected blessing.

I am grateful and exhausted. D and I are melting into the king size bed in a couple of hours. I packed most of the room since we will be checking out in the early morning.

Tomorrow morning I will see my Dr. He has quite a reputation as the most comprehensive and compassionate doctor at the hospital. My Dr. is one of 26 specialists in the US that focus on CSF leakage. His Nurse Practitioners both told me that their office has new patients lined up into June 2021.

How in the world did I get to see my Dr. and be hospitalized for the diagnostics so quickly? I was referred to him in late September. I saw him two weeks later. I waited only two months of the multiple procedures I just completed. It’s truly miraculous.

WHEREVER I GO, YOUR HAND WILL GUIDE ME!

I could go to the most remote places on earth and He will be there to help me get on or stay on track. God has always been right beside me. I am completely comfident that God has my back!

Tomorrow, I will most likely not write anything since it will be the day that we travel back home from Denver. There is a new snow storm due to arrive in our area of NW Colorado tomorrow. D and I are dealing with the exhaustion of this very busy week. The drive will be just enough for me and D to handle.

Pray for our protection on the road and for weather and road conditions to be favorable while we are traveling.

I sure do appreciate all of your prayers.

Hugs always,

Suzanne

^{Psalm 139:6}  This is just too wonderful, deep, and incomprehensible!
Your understanding of me brings me wonder and strength.

I have been here at the hospital since yesterday @ 7:20am. The events that followed admission quickly reduced my strength until I finally fell asleep @ 8:30pm. I was able to sleep until just before midnight when the night nurse woke me to get my vitals. I then stayed awake until 3am and slept again for a few more hours. This morning was a whirlwind of things that had to be done. I did not settle down until D arrived near 11am.

From admit to waking this morning: Blood draws, IV, Lumbar punch and four vials of spinal fluid drawn, then nuclear medicine injected into my spine, a very difficult and painful nasal packing with six pledgets, throwing up, taped gauze mustache, 1st nuclear scan, replacing gauze mustache every time it got soaking wet (which averages every 2 hours while awake), walking multiple laps around the 9th floor, eating finger foods as best I could, trying to sip a straw without most of the water ending up on my chest, finally given zinc oxide ointment to put on my upper lip, sleeping while mouth breathing, waking to dry mouth and eventually having a sore raw throat.

From waking this morning to now: I woke to change my mustache gauze and washed out my crusty eyes, my NP visited me and ordered a personal humidifier to sleep with so I do not suffer any more ulcers in the back of my throat tonight and she ordered a throat spray for the sore throat, my 2nd nuclear scan, finally having breakfast with D, continuous changing of gauze, washing up and changing into warmer clothes, walking laps, taking a short nap, eating dinner with D and now sitting here looking forward to going to sleep.

Tomorrow morning I will receive the 3rd nuclear scan, they will take blood, my NP will remove the pledgets for lab analysis, and hopefully D will bring me back to the hotel room before noon. I will shower and crash into the evening. Our room has a kitchen so D will be able to feed both of us.

I have my follow-up appointment with my Dr. Thursday morning. There he will give me all of the results of everything found and a treatment plan will be initiated.

As I wrote last, this is testing that will determine if I am leaking CSF, where I am leaking it and what my blood and spinal fluid reveal about my brain and CSF. My Dr. has an excellent reputation here at this hospital.

WONDER AND STRENGTH

I am honored to be my Dr.’s patient. I am in wonder at the way I was referred to him. I am strengthened by the way that God put it all together for me and my future. Western medicine basically wrote me off. I have fought this sentence to “a new normal” with D but certainly on my own. Even with everything we purchased, I utilized in hopes of recovery, only got me somewhat on the road to recovery. I am grateful for my Integrative Medical Dr. and his amazing Nutritionist. They took me from dispair to hope. Then things seemed to plateau until early this Fall when I met an angel. She gave me the gift of real strength by referring me to my Dr. here in Denver. Thank you NR! And yes, thank you to my most dedicated physical therapist for not giving up on me or writing me off.

I will continue to write about the multiple brain injuries that brought me to today. Right now, I am going to get ready for bed.

Good night, God bless you.

Hugs always,

Suzanne

Psalm 139:5  You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way,
and in kindness you follow behind me
to spare me from the harm of my past.
With your hand of love upon my life,
you impart a blessing to me.

Tomorrow morning begins a new chapter of discovery and the coordinated plan for recovery from a lifetime of brain injury related events. As a reminder to myself and anyone who is following my journey, here is a brief description for better understanding.

As a young pre-teen, my swim coach raped me and then used me in sexual acts that are unspeakable. Boys and men were involved. At that time, only me and one other girl on the swim team were trafficked. How in the world did such despicable things happen? By threat and intimidation. I was just a child and thought as a child. He told me that he loved me and that these behaviors are how adults love girls my age. I remember hitting my head against the pool wall one evening while working out. It was probably the first coup-contra coup injury. I would cry in the water and beat it in response to what I was forced to do. I won a lot of races because of the deep pain I was already experiencing. I no longer had personal choices or was able to think as a child. Instead, I found comfort in going so deep inside of myself that I lost who I was. Psychology call it dissociation….if only they knew that it was the only way I could escape from the constant pain of being violated. Self-hatred had taken root. At the age of 15, I finally found enough courage to stop swimming for my abusive coach. A few years later, I was asked out on a date by a past swim team member. Within a few minutes of the beginning of the date, the guy told me that he had asked me out because we were going to a sex party at USC. I was shocked. I had him pull over to the side of the road. I was truly confused and hurt. He then said that he had asked me out because he remembered my reputation. I immediately exited his new shiny corvette and told him to go to hell. Yes, being trafficked is a curse that follows it’s victims.

Shortly after that soul wrenching experience, a girl who I was forced by family need to befriend introduced me to a neighbor of hers. He was four years older than I. His best friend was a guy that my friend wanted to date. (She eventually married the guy, raised a few kids, divorced and died in her early 50’s) The neighbor that she introduced to me took over where the swim coach had left off. On my 16th birthday, he gave me a birthday present that he said I would never forget. He raped me. That rape set up terror-filled decades of terrible pains. I was forced by gun point to do things that I assume only the darkest porn evidences. I was beaten, death threatened, and made to do terrible acts any time and as often as this terrible person perpetrated these acts on me. I had to pretend to “love” him or the knife came out and the loaded gun to my head. I am sure that those times that I got thrown down against hard surfaces harmed my brain too. One month before my 18th birthday, God sent a young Catholic priest to my rescue. I had so deeply left myself, I was prepared to end my life. Charlie is my God-sent angel who rescued me. He even punched the guy and proved to me that God had my best interest in mind when HE brought Father Charlie into my life. Father Charlie sat with my parents and told them that I was in need of their constant careful attention and to never allow that guy to ever return to our house or see me again. Charlie had a committment that he had to keep but he promised my parents that in two days he would return to further assist them in rescuing me from the deep despair I was in. Mom and Dad promised this Catholic priest that they would do as he requested. The first day was good for me. The second day began again in restoration but everything changed when I found that the evil guy was waiting for me to drive me home from high school. I was betrayed by my Mom. She apparently had a need that was greater that my life. The guy made it very clear to me that he was going to hurt me. He gave me his itinerary and I went deeper inside than I had ever gone. I no longer existed. Then something happened and I do not remember the events of since I still have amnesia regarding those events that led to my near-death. I believe that I was pushed out of his vehicle. Reports are that I was dragged by the vehicle and then by the driver’s efforts I flew from the vehicle landing on the right side of the back of my head. A neighbor had just returned from work and found me convulsing in the gutter. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital where I was placed in medically induced coma because of brain bleeds. I woke five days later to my Dad holding one hand and Father Charlie holding the other. I was blind, had multiple abrasions, a huge sutured area at the back of my skull and no understanding of what had happened. Charlie is the one who kept the guy from returning to the hospital while he was there at least.

Charlie helped my parents understand the extent of my emotional, physical and sexual pain. He told them again that they were not to allow the guy back into my life. So began my recovery from the first terrible brain injury. Mom only heard that I was sexual. Based on what I understand today, Mom had her own dark secrets that motivated her to do the most terrible thing she could have ever done to harm me. She conspired with the guy to marry me off. She wanted me out of her home and most likely out of her remembrance of the terrible event I had just suffered at the wrong choice she made. Yes, I found out that in two weeks I was going to be married in our family Catholic church, against my will and that my parents had no regard or concern for my future. How did I cope with this terrible realization that my life was disposable? I attempted suicide. What else was left for me to escape even the unsafe family I was raised in? My Dad found me hanging myself in my bedroom.

Through the wonderful help of Father Charlie and an amazingly talented Psychiatrist, I was on a journey looking for the road less traveled….it’s not one I ever walked! As I mentioned earlier, that guy continued to harass me and threaten my life and the lives of my husband and children from 1969 t0 December 1990. He stalked me. Every home we lived in, every grocery store I visited, every church we attended was captured by his presence. He even once stopped me in traffic with his gun at my temple. I lived in terror all of those years until his death to brain cancer. All that my inner person knows from age 12 to today is FEAR. I mentioned it in yesterday’s post.

I take the words of Father Christmas with Lucy to heart often.

In The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe we read:

“Why, sir?” said Lucy. “I think- I don’t know- but I think I could be brave enough.”
“That is not the point,” he said. “But battles are ugly when women fight.”

I fought, I fight, I will keep on fighting my way out of FEAR and into my Loving Father’s arms!

To be continued.

Hugs always,

Suzanne

Psalm 139

For the Pure and Shining One
King David’s poetic song
¹ Lord, you know everything there is to know about me.

My life is God’s poetry. Your life is God’s poetry. He wrote each line in His love for you and me. As I write from my perspective of Psalm 139, please hold my hand as we journey together in this amazing Love.

¹ Lord, you know everything there is to know about me. As I have written before, the life I have lived has been filled with pain, loss, trauma, and tragedy. So has my life been filled with promise, hope, and great joy. God knows everything about my story; every moment, every day, every month, every year of my life; everything. I was not alone as I so often thought. He has cared for my every breath. God kept every tear I have cried.

Psalm 56:8 You’ve kept track of all my wandering and my weeping.
You’ve stored my many tears in your bottle—not one will be lost.
For they are all recorded in your book of remembrance.

YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT ME!

Most of my life, I have struggled with unbelief. What am I saying? I believe in God and His sovereignty. But….is this really true? Do I really believe in Almighty God? Yes, I do, but tragically, I allow the wounds of my past and even present wounds to so overwhelm me that I lose sight of Him.

My unbelief is founded in “He loves everyone but must only tolerate me.” My self-pity leads to self-abandonment and hopelessness. Wednesday night, I was caught up in so much self-pity that I became irrational and continued in those thoughts by saying irrational and illogical words. Hurtful words have only one intent — to kill. I was so fortunate to have my husband, son and daughter-in-law there to bring me back from that very dark place. Thank you God for Your Love!

What ever took me so quickly to such darkness? FEAR! Fear caught me in it’s net. I took the bate. In other words, I believed a lie and then acted on it.

2020 is a FEAR-filled year. History will define 2020 as the worst year in world history…the beginning of the end. OR will history define 2020 as the year where a worldwide collective spirit of empowerment changed things? Will it be FEAR that killed world’s societies OR will it be God’s Love birthed through hopelessness and despair that saved mankind? History will then write: 2020 became the catalyst for mankind to run to the Loving Arms of Almighty God.

Today’s scripture says the latter.

Meditate on what I have written. Meditate on those thoughts you had while reading todays blog post.

I bless you. I thank you for joining me in discovery and truth.

Hugs always,

Suzanne